Tool Academy

For an apt comparison of the VH1 show Tool Academy to law firms, check out my post today on ATL.

When Nerds Attack

My revolutionary/Les Mis boots

Yesterday I was at ANOTHER horrible CLE thing (and en route there I saw Nastia Liukin -Miss Liukin if you're Nastia - being filmed fake talking on a cell phone), about ethics. So as I'm sitting in the back eating Swedish fish and reading In Touch, I notice this pock-marked Bill Gates doppelganger two rows ahead of me looking back at me like every 5 minutes. He was short and ugly and wore glasses and was basically staring at my shit the entire time, most likely because I was wearing my sizzlingly hot revolutionary soldier/Les Miserables boots. In any event, during the break as I'm cramming trail mix into my mouth outside of the room, he was just standing there awkwardly and I could tell he was THINKING about coming up to me and saying something so I gave him my best "talk to me and die" look and luckily he did not approach.

When the CLE was over and I bolted out of there to watch Project Runway in time, this guy pretty much CHASED after me so that he was directly behind me in line to have our forms "authenticated" and then when I left he held the door open for me and said "Hi" and attempted to start some sort of conversation but I attached lightening bolts to my feet and raced the fuck out of there. While I will admit that most of the men at this CLE were old and bald, there were some young and fairly rich looking ones and my main questions are a) on what planet is it ok for someone who looks like, but is not as rich as, Bill Gates to approach me, b) why weren't better looking people approaching me and c) why has this blog not made me $10 million dollars yet.

P.S. This guy better put up a missed connection on craigslist or else

Greetings from a CLE

I am currently at one of these ridiculous CLEs where I just sit at a Westlaw-sponsored computer, pretend to listen to some woman telling me how to do a Westlaw search more effectively if I cared(which I do IN NARNIA), check my email, wait an hour, and am magically granted one skills CLE credit which allows me to keep my law license so that I can charge people for things in the future.

In any event, at these CLEs you have to "sign in" and list your first and last name, your "title" and your firm affiliatiation. So I sign in with my first and last name, list my title (Attorney/Taurus) and then write "N/a" under firm affiliation due to my zesty unemployment. So at the end of the first grueling hour of Westlaw garbage as I'm standing behind lawyers with jobs holding my Century 21 bag filled with two pairs of digustingly beautiful shoes that I have just purchased, waiting to get my gold-sealed certificate of attendence and authenticity, I roll up to the table and the lady looks at the sign in sheet and says "Marvin?" and I say "Marin" and then she nods and continues filling it out and then gets to firm affiliation and says "Na?" and I say "Um, not applicable." In the distance, my mother weeps softly. End scene.

More Robbery from the Bar Assocation

Scales they use to measure the money which they steal from you

By way of background, all lawyers have to keep their lawyer license "current" by getting something called Continuing Legal Education (CLE) credits. CLEs are exceedingly boring seminars about boring legal topics that often have zero relevance to whatever field you practice in. You have to fulfill certain credit areas (like ethics, professional practice and "skills") every year before the anniversary of your admission to the bar, my anniversary naturally being 9/11 (not kidding). In any event, before I left my firm, I tried to stock up on CLE credits by going to the free CLE seminars offered at the firm, but it still wasn't enough so I just planned to ignore it after I quit my job and felt confident that the problem would just go away.

Well, unfortunately the problem DID NOT go away, so last week I had a goddamn panic attack because I started searching online for CLE classes that were being offered before 9/11 and pretty much there was absolutely nothing in NYC which meant that I would either have to apply for an extension and pray or just get my license suspended and then calmly proceed to the nearest bridge and jump off. Luckily, resourceful Megan found some free skills credits for me, but literally the ONLY ethics credit class available before 9/11 is a $355 NYC Bar Association class entitled "Ethical Considerations for Corporate Investigations - Updates 2008" a topic that anybody know knows me knows I'm passionate about. IN NARNIA.

That's right, they're requiring me to show up with an Us magazine, read it for 3 hours during the class, following which they will grab me and turn me upside down so $355 falls out of my pockets, and give me a piece of paper apparently made of shards of the Heart of the Ocean which then entitles me to renew my legal license for $360 per year, and which will then give me the privilege of paying $360 per year thereafter until I die or get disbarred. Basically what this means is that unless you're a millionaire (which I luckily am), might as well stop wasting time, write your own disbarment letter to the NY Bar counsel now and start panhandling ASAP. Is this a joke.