Facebook Cover Ups

Today Risa Gchatted me that this girl that we both know appeared to have ended her engagement on Facebook. A quick review of her profile revealed that she had enacted what is arguably the oldest trick in the book - which is that the engagement was obviously broken off weeks ago, but the status change was only today. What happens is that when people break off their relationships or engagements, they then "reach out" to all their random acquaintances on Facebook, start writing on peoples' walls like it's going out of style saying absurd things like "hey! we should get together this weekend!" in order to fill up their mini-feeds with loads of "friends" and ridiculous correspondence. They also make sure to bring their camera to every social function they go to and take "hilarious" pictures of themselves having an AMAZING TIME, living and LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE!!!!! That way, when they announce to the Facebook world that they are broken up and buzzards like myself immediately click on their profile in the hopes of seeing pictures of them crying or depressing U2 quotes or condolence wall posts from friends and then snickering to myself, we are supposed to be confronted with the copious mini-feeds and absurd "happy single gal" pics and pretend that it's completely normal and in no way overcompensating.

Like if I was engaged and then we broke up and then the next day his wall was filled with pictures of him in a sombrero and hundreds of wall posts saying "hey man, good seeing you last night," it would be so unbelievably corny that I would probably call him up and then break off the engagement AGAIN because I would not be able to marry anyone who resorted to such lame and obvious Facebook strategies.

Proposed Economic Fallback Plans

Diamonds on my wall

As you may know, I am a big fan of get rich quick schemes, pyramid schemes, ponsi schemes and schemes in general. My attempts to acquire employment have thus far been thwarted in this "economy" so I was brainstorming on ways to make boatloads of money that do not involve me actually working. Here are just a few of my ideas, if you can even believe that I have more where these came from. Do NOT steal them.

1. Opening a petting zoo, with Perry has the main/only attraction. $10 entrance fee, $5 per each pet.
2. Scraping the Swarovski crystals that are on the wallpaper that Oprah gave me, and selling them as diamonds on Canal Street.
3. Going to every Duane Reade in the city, and opening every Secret Flawless deodorant to find the fake sequin hidden under the cap, which is redeemable for a 1 carat "flawless" diamond, which I will then sell for ice cold cash.
4. Plastic surgery consultant, whereby if you think someone has had plastic surgery but are too afraid to confront them about it, contact me and I will provided a detailed analysis of likely plastic surgeries, along with percentage of likelihood breakdown and name of probable surgeon.
5. Personality/dating analysis, whereby I meet you and tell you the truth about why you're still single.

When Nerds Attack

My revolutionary/Les Mis boots

Yesterday I was at ANOTHER horrible CLE thing (and en route there I saw Nastia Liukin -Miss Liukin if you're Nastia - being filmed fake talking on a cell phone), about ethics. So as I'm sitting in the back eating Swedish fish and reading In Touch, I notice this pock-marked Bill Gates doppelganger two rows ahead of me looking back at me like every 5 minutes. He was short and ugly and wore glasses and was basically staring at my shit the entire time, most likely because I was wearing my sizzlingly hot revolutionary soldier/Les Miserables boots. In any event, during the break as I'm cramming trail mix into my mouth outside of the room, he was just standing there awkwardly and I could tell he was THINKING about coming up to me and saying something so I gave him my best "talk to me and die" look and luckily he did not approach.

When the CLE was over and I bolted out of there to watch Project Runway in time, this guy pretty much CHASED after me so that he was directly behind me in line to have our forms "authenticated" and then when I left he held the door open for me and said "Hi" and attempted to start some sort of conversation but I attached lightening bolts to my feet and raced the fuck out of there. While I will admit that most of the men at this CLE were old and bald, there were some young and fairly rich looking ones and my main questions are a) on what planet is it ok for someone who looks like, but is not as rich as, Bill Gates to approach me, b) why weren't better looking people approaching me and c) why has this blog not made me $10 million dollars yet.

P.S. This guy better put up a missed connection on craigslist or else

Double Dating = No

All double dating occurs here

A few months ago, I was dating somebody and the time had come to break up. One of the things that lit a fire under my ass to initiate breakupization was that this guy had scheduled a DOUBLE DATE WITH HIS CO-WORKER AND HIS CO-WORKER'S FIANCEE. Let me just clarify that I would rather die than go on a double date with anyone at any time, mainly due to the fact that double dates should only be performed if everybody is from Grease 2 and also due to the fact that I cannot deal with the corniness of having to talk to the other girl about celebrities and fashion and pretend to be interested in her boring career that she'll give up when she gets pregnant anyway while the guys chum it up and talk about buying low and selling high. Granted, I've never BEEN on a double date, but I think the entire thing might end with phony hugs and cheek kisses, and promises that everybody will Facebook each other and then the other girl will promise to send me that Perez Hilton article she was talking about tomorrow from work, and then everyone leaves and says "She/he seemed nice," waits for the other person to agree, and then qualifies the "nice" statement by saying that the girl was also mildly ugly, fat, dumb or fake. I actually can't deal with these situations so I obviously broke up with the dude prior to the date and gloriously avoided this double date.

Unfortunately, certain people were not aware of my firm policy regarding duplicative dating, so my friend told me that she and I and our respective "beaus" would definitely have to do a double date, and I told her that that seemed like a great idea and I was 100% on board IF I LIVED IN NARNIA and that there was no way on god's green earth that I would ever be going on a double date so if she could just accept that idea and move on that would be ideal for all parties involved.

Doggie Bags & Brunch Plans

This past Friday I was on a datetastic and since I knew that I was DEFINITELY NOT paying for myself, I starved myself all day in order to gorge on free food and delicious alcohol that night. So after 3 vodka gimlets, 2 refills on the bread basket and a pear, gorgonzola and apple salad appetizer salad that I requested to be supersized to an entree, I was pretty much about to explode. The waiter came back with the dessert menu and asked if wanted to have dessert, and my date looked at me and I made my usual throw up noises to indicate that I was exxxtremely fully, so the waiter took the dessert menus away. So as we're sitting there and I'm working the Marin Magic (TM), the waiter brings back the check and I pretend I don't see it when the waiter asks me if I would like the rest of my salad wrapped up to go. I look at him like he has just asked me if I wear underwear on my head routinely and I said "Um NO" because the last thing I want to do when I'm so full that I'm seriously considering lap band surgery is eat EVER AGAIN and least of all eat the same shit tomorrow that I just ate. Like if I'm about to die of fullness do waiters really expect me to say "Yes - I definitely want the leftovers" and then look like an obese loser carrying around food for the next four hours and pretend that I'm not extremely repulsed by the food and plan for the future by envisioning that tomorrow I might be hungry at some point because that will never be happening.

It's the same thing with brunch plans - like Megan asked me on Thursday night after I had just inhaled two of her delicioso enchiladas whether I wanted to do brunch on Sunday and I told her that unfortunately I could never imagine a time when I would be hungry again so my answer was definitely not and maybe she should check back in a few days and see if the situation had changed.

Faust

Some people live here

Normally I don't blog about people I date or have dated because it's bad karma, but this story is a CLASSIC tale of someone living in Narnia. In October right after I had my chin Botoxed to remove the prune from it so my smile was all fucked up, I was supposed to go on a date with this guy Randy. Normally I would not agree to go out with anybody named Randy or Pat or Toby or any gender neutral name, but at this point Megan was running my dating life so I had to go out with him. We agreed that we'd go out on a Sunday, but it turned out I had to work at my magnificent job and so the date got pushed off and when I got back from the office the last thing I wanted to do was blow dry my hair and shelaque on my makeup. Anyway, so he and I were gchatting and I asked if we could reschedule and he got really offended, so I said he could come over and we'd just order food and watch tv.

So this guy comes over, he's doused in Adidas cologne, talks about himself incessantly and uses Elevator Captive Network words of the day like "vitriol" and "solipsistic" and "vituperation" on me and actually used the phrase "le sigh" in conversation while telling me that he reads over 300 news articles a day. He went to Bucknell and hated it because it was too white but he himself was white and also told me he sang in a Medieval/Renaissance choir and explained to me he sings "monophonic music, not polyphony like you're used to hearing, Marin" despite the fact that I hold a degree in medieval studies from a VERY prestigious institution. He converted to Judaism from Quakerism because his former girlfriend was studying to be a rabbi and we ordered Thai food which I paid for (not acceptable). Afterwards, he said to me "Do you want me to leave?" and I said "I don't really care if you go or stay" which was a lie because I wanted him to leave so I could call 10 people and make fun of him, and then without a word he gets up, bends down to pet Perry, says "take care of your mom" and walks out. I then call up the 10 people and tell them that I've just met a highly arrogant jerk who obviously studied the Microsoft Word thesaurus in an effort to make other people feel like garbage which didn't work on me being that I memorized the Princeton Review Hit Parade word list so I'm on top of that shit. However, two days later I receive this hilarious email from him:

Marin-

It was nice to meet you the other night. I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with you. I wish you the best of luck trying to find a more suitable job or career and taking care of your pup.

Best regards,

Randy

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. I had a bunch of responses I wanted to send, including "This is devastating news - I thought we had something," "Get help ASAP," and "That's odd, I am interested in pursuing something with you" but under Risa's wise supervision I have a rigid 24 hour waiting policy on all hostile email communications so I never ended up sending it because he would probably think I was just hurt and actually wanted to date him which is FALSE.