Pardon the Interruption

Last night, I was minding my own business watching the The Biggest Loser on my couch, when all of a sudden my regular programming was interrupted by some random speech Obama was giving to Congress. WHAT?!? Is that some sort of joke? Fine, I could understand if this was some sort of emergency speech where we were declaring war or he was announcing that the recession was over and I would now be eligible for a job, but this was just some stupid speech about how we live in a great country and it's going through a recession and we need to be strong and band together and do another ambiguous things that may or may not result in me getting a job.

As a result of this, only the first hour of The Biggest Loser aired. That means I did not get to see their "last chance workout" or their weigh-ins or the elimination ceremony, all of which will be airing next week in a one hour "encore" show, as opposed to the normal two hours show. Let me break this down for you - that means that because of this speech I am getting screwed out of a full TWO HOURS of tv that I otherwise would have watched. I know Obama talked about how Americans would have to make some sacrifices in this economy, but cutting my shows is simply crossing the line. If this continues to be a problem, I will take back my vote for Obama and give it to someone else and let me assure you, you do not want that to happen.

Ted Kennedy Collapses

The "Lion of the Senate" collapsed from a seizure yesterday at a luncheon for newly elected President Obama in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to steal the spotlight. Seriously, this reminded me of 6th grade gym class when it was my turn to jump over the pummel horse in my new Mickey Mouse shorts and Danit pretended to faint because of low blood sugar. She just couldn't let me have my moment, she had to take it from me by force.

Before I get millions of hate comments (read: two hate comments), I'm not suggesting that Ted Kennedy could control the seizure, and I'm not suggesting that he's faking a brain tumor; I'm just saying that the timing is a little suspicious.

B-Day

Today marks one of the most important and historic days in our nation's history. Millions of people have been waiting for this moment since early November. That's right - today I will be inaugurating Botox into my chin at 11:30am. Stay tuned for up to the minute coverage of this momentous occasion.

Passing Over

Light as a feather, stiff as a board

I just saw this article on CNN about how when Obama was asked whether he'd been in contact with past presidents since his election, he said that he had been in contact with all "living" presidents because he didn't want to get all Nancy Reagan on people and do seances. HAHAHAHAHHAHAAH. I knew there was some reason I voted for him. Seances are amazing and 100% hilarious.

Obama Speech Channels Billy Joel

As I was listening to Obama's victory speech last night, I got the sneaking suspicion that I had heard it somewhere before. Well, as it turns out, Obama's speech is basically EXACTLY the same as the lyrics of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire. Frankly if he wanted to go with song lyrics he probably should have gone with Paradise City or Your Remind Me of My Jeep by R. Kelly, both of which are superior songs. Below I present to you the evidence:

Barack Obama's Speech:

At a time when womens voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that We Shall Overcome. Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

VERSUS

We Didn't Start the Fire

Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I", and "The Catcher in the Rye"

Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Regardless, if McCain won I would have had a heart attack ack ack ack ack.