Unacceptable: Biggest Loser Romances

Logistically impossible

Yesterday, I went to the Us Magazine site as usual to ensure that no celebrity news had happened overnight, and I was assaulted with the horrifying news that Rebecca and Christian Daniel from the Biggest Loser are now “dating.” I'm happy that they've "found love" or whatever and they seem like decent people but could anything be more disgusting. Two regular sized people touching each other is already disgusting, but add in obesity, loose skin flapping everywhere and nothing could be worse. If they are touching each other, it should happen in private in the dead of night with parkas on and there shouldn’t be an entire article TALKING about how much they talk with each other and “connect.” I do not want to hear that and frankly neither does America.

Bachelor Spinoff With Fat People A Horrible Idea To Put It Mildly

Prince Lorenzo Borghese will not be on the show

I just read the terrifying news on People that The Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss is collaborating on a Bachelor-esque show called "More to Love" which will feature a fat "Kevin James-like" bachelor and "average" women vying for him. Why would anybody watch a show about hideous monsters when there are plenty of other shows that feature goodlooking people?If I wanted to see ugly women or revolting men, I would just step outside my apartment or walk around the block a few times. The point of tv is to make fun of better looking and more in shape people in order to feel better about yourself; if people are uglier and fatter than me then how am I supposed to tear them down and what will happen to my self-confidence? I don't even want to think about that - too disturbing.

What's even MORE ridiculous is that People and Mike Fleiss do not seem to realize that this EXACT show has already been on tv. Nice try, but it was called "Average Joe" and the bachelor was Adam Mesh. Last year I actually ran into Adam Mesh at Canyon Road on the Upper East Side as I was waiting to consume margaritas at their fine establishment, and I told him "you're not average to me" which is true becuase he is actually worse than average and bears an alarming resemblance to David Gest. In any event, the girls on Average Joe were sad sacks themselves - dumpy, in need of nosejobs, etc. - and because the show had to limit the hottub scenes due to the fact that nobody wanted to see that stuff, it was not renewed for another season. All I have to say is thank god for small miracles because More or Less show will be on Fox, meaning that nobody will be watching it, except for myself purely for anthropological study purposes.

P.S. Wait for me Lorenzo

Friendly Reminder: VH1's Tough Love Premieres Tonight

Just a friendly reminder that Tough Love, which is a cross between He's Just Not That Into You and The Pickup Artist, premieres tonight at 10pm EST. In the show, women who aren't necessarily hideous trolls live in a house and get lessons from a douchebag guy in how to acquire a boyfriend, since they have previously been unable to do so. This show appears to be absolutely key and, in conjunction with The Millionaire Matchmaker, will provide critical insight into the minds of very rich men.

Pardon the Interruption

Last night, I was minding my own business watching the The Biggest Loser on my couch, when all of a sudden my regular programming was interrupted by some random speech Obama was giving to Congress. WHAT?!? Is that some sort of joke? Fine, I could understand if this was some sort of emergency speech where we were declaring war or he was announcing that the recession was over and I would now be eligible for a job, but this was just some stupid speech about how we live in a great country and it's going through a recession and we need to be strong and band together and do another ambiguous things that may or may not result in me getting a job.

As a result of this, only the first hour of The Biggest Loser aired. That means I did not get to see their "last chance workout" or their weigh-ins or the elimination ceremony, all of which will be airing next week in a one hour "encore" show, as opposed to the normal two hours show. Let me break this down for you - that means that because of this speech I am getting screwed out of a full TWO HOURS of tv that I otherwise would have watched. I know Obama talked about how Americans would have to make some sacrifices in this economy, but cutting my shows is simply crossing the line. If this continues to be a problem, I will take back my vote for Obama and give it to someone else and let me assure you, you do not want that to happen.

Update on My Modeling Career

I'll be seeing you guys shortly

You may recall that in the past I complained about how America's Next Top Model allows fat and blind people to be on the show, but draws the line at short people, because you have to be 5'7" to apply. Well, this morning I awoke to find that Megan had sent me an email revealing glorious news: AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL CYCLE 87 13 IS CASTING EXCLUSIVELY MODELS UNDER 5'7." FINALLY, my modeling career can proceed as planned. Taking this news, plus the Rachael Ray chin rehabilitation, PLUS the Oprah stuff, I think it's clear that god wants me to be on tv. He really does.

Follow Up to Chin Deprunization Email

Click on picture to reveal full horror of the prune

As threatened, I responded to the Craigslist posting which advertised help for troubled chins. And because my email came from the heart, they got back to me. Turns out, it's The Rachael Ray Show, and they're casting for a segment called "I Can't Stand My..." Below, for your enjoyment, I cut and paste my back and forth with the show, beginning with my original reply to the ad. I am still awaiting confirmation that the pics I sent are sufficiently bad as to merit a place on the show.

>>>>

Hello -

My friend sent me your craigslist ad looking for people who despise their chins. It is a well known fact among those who know me that I have struggled with my hideous chin nearly all my life. When I smile or talk, my normal-seeming chin wrinkles bizarrely and contorts into a an uneven, pointy prune.

When I was in elementary school, I cracked open my chin. The muscle fell out of it and so when they were sewing it back up, they tucked the muscle back in. But the muscle has contorted weirdly ever since.

I have tried to address this via Botox - like injecting my chin so that it doesn't prunify-up - but this also has the effect of paralyzing the depressor muscles and my metarsis muscles, which then affect my smile. As a result, when I get Botox, I can only grimace for the first few months following the injection, until the Botox dissipates. So I'm forced to choose between having a wrinkly chin or having no smile. It's a terrible choice with which nobody should be faced.

Anyway, I have several pictures of my chin that I can send, but I'm reluctant to just send them out to an impersonal email address on Craigslist. If you could provide me with a little more information as to how you intend to use the pics (if at all), I'd be happy to send them along. You will be completely horrified by the prune, I assure you.

Thanks,

Robespierre

>>>>

Hey Robespierre!

Thanks for your response. My name is [redacted] and I am an Associate Producer for The Rachael Ray Show. We are working on a segment about people who are unhappy with the size, shape, appearance of their chin, etc. It is a part of an ongoing series called "I Can't Stand My ..." Please email me back as soon as possible with your name, age, location, email address, phone numbers and the following recent pictures:

• Close up of face above the neck (hair back, clearly showing your chin/jaw line)
• Side profile of face above the neck (hair back, clearly showing chin/jaw line)
• Full length picture of you smiling.

I will give you a call as soon as I get this email and I look forward to speaking with you this weekend. Hopefully our expert can help!

Take care,

[redacted]

>>>

Hi [redacted]-

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm attaching pics.

As you can see, the problem is that on the left side of my chin, the muscle bizarrely seizes up. There's also a dimple on the right side of my chin. It's worse in person. However, when I don't smile, my chin looks normal, but my jawline is completely amorphous and uneven, and looks like I might be headed for jowls in the future. From the side, you can also see the jowly-esque quasi-double chin situation. I would describe my jaw situation as being akin to Demi Moore's in the movie Ghost, and earlier. She had an amorphous "mushy" jaw situation, and the I think she later may have gotten a jaw implant to rectify it.

Basically my jowly/chin situation does not make sense with the rest of my body, which is slim and petite. I'm happy to provide a closer full body shot if the one I attached is too far away. Even if you do not select me for the show - I would be eternally grateful if you could provide me with the name of your expert...I need to get this situation fixed one way or another.

If you'd like to discuss my chin further (after all, who wouldn't?!?), my contact info is below. I look forward to speaking with you!

Job Prospect: Chin Deprunization

Thankfully, my friends are always on the lookout for jobs for me, which helps in my all points assault on my unemployment status. I have long complained about my prune chin, which I botox for deprunization but unfortunately has the side effect of paralyzing my smile for 3 months and making me look like I have bells palsy. It's a price I'm willing to pay to eliminate the dreaded prune, but it looks like Ariel just sent me an answer to my prayers, from Craigslist:

Reply to: job-1043275582@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-02-20, 4:22PM EST

Do you hate your chin? Nat'l TV Show wants to know!
It's a part of your body you might not think about unless it's a problem – your chin! Do you feel like your chin is so sharp that it almost comes to a point? Do you have small bumps on your chin that you feel like everyone can see? Is your jaw so pronounced that you don't even feel feminine? If you'd love to some help to make your chin look fabulous, let us know! E-mail us at tvshowdaytime@yahoo.com with your name, age, phone number, and a recent photo (if possible). We hope to hear from you!

I am applying right now. Not kidding.

I'm BaaAAAAAAAACCKK....On Oprah

Set your DVRs...my Oprah episode re-airs Thursday, February 19th at 4pm on ABC. The show promises to be even more ridiculous the second time around - more exaggerated reactions, more cursing on national tv, more insane facial expressions. Once is never enough.

In Memoriam: Jamie from Top Chef

On Wednesday's episode of Top Chef, it came down to Hosea, Leah and Jamie who screwed up when trying to imitate Eric Ripert's dishes. Hosea forgot to let the monkfish "rest" which was weird because it was already dead. Leah didn't understand what her dish was about and kept on adding butter to the miso sauce when she could have just gone to Nobu and gotten some very delicious miso sauce. Leah also forgot to stop whining and being a quitter during the quickfire challenge. Jamie "overreduced" her celery and it became too salty and ruined everything. It seemed pretty clear when they cut to commercials that they were going to do the right thing and eliminate Leah because of her general lameness and terrible attitude, but then they ended up eliminating Jamie, the only woman on the show who actually had a chance at winning Top Chef.

The reason they eliminated Jamie which was not shown on the show was that Tom Colicchio was about to eliminate Leah, but then the producers ran out and said that they had to keep Leah because she and Hosea might have sex, and they showed Tom two charts, one showing the number of viewers who would tune in if the Leah/Hosea tension continued which featured an upward trending diagonal line, and the other showing what would happen if Leah was eliminated and Hosea was only left with his girlfriend in Colorado and the enormous gap between his two front teeth, which featured a downward trending diagonal line. Tom told the producers that he had to honor the ingredients and tell Leah to go home, but then they threatened to reveal to viewers that his restaurant Craft was mediocre, so he had no choice but to kick off Jamie.

Immediately following the show, a Gchat from Risa confirmed my suspicions that the producers kept on Leah so that she and Hosea could sexify, and then Megan called me in hysterics saying that she was certainly NOT going to watch a rigged show anymore and that her first order of business tomorrow was hunting down Leah and making her pay and then flying to San Francisco to console Jamie.

P.S. Megan has requested that if Jamie is reading this, that she immediately call, text or two-way Megan.

No Time for a Job

A few weeks ago someone asked me how I didn't get bored "doing nothing" all day. While it is true that I am "technically" "unemployed," I actually am busier than ever. In the mornings I have Wife Swap, What Not to Wear and Trading Spouses on my DVR, and my afternoons are jam-packed with Maury Povich paternity tests, Oprah and Dr. Phil. I never even have time to go out at night anymore, because every single night of the week I'm booked solid with The Bachelor, The Biggest Loser, Intervention, Top Chef, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Tool Academy, Rock of Love Bus, Sober House, Confessions of a Teen Idol and Say Yes to the Dress. Add that to keeping on top of Us, In Touch, Star, People, Celebrity Life & Style, Marie Claire, Lucky and Glamour and mentally preparing for Millionaire Matchmaker and I Love Money 2 which is coming up in February, and it's a grueling schedule.

Remembering the plotlines and coming up with fresh insults for everyone on the shows is no easy task, so when people tell me that they're getting killed at work I know EXACTLY how they feel because I have never worked harder in my life than I do now. At any moment I could be quizzed by Megan or Risa via Gchat about Fergie's hideous wedding dress or asked to imitate alcoholic Marie from Intervention ("I wuv you Bora") and I take my job VERY seriously and need to be prepared. A few days ago someone emailed me about Howie Mandel being hospitalized with an irregular heartbeat, and if I hadn't known about it before that person sent me the link it would have been humiliating.

Howie Do It

I can't take it

Some of you may remember during the '80s when Howie Mandel was already a washed-up comic from the '80s. You may remember him from Shelly Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre on Showtime, where in the Princess Who Had Never Laughed, he played a "hilarious" medieval peasant named Weiner Head Waldo with a Jehri curl mullet who loved his pig, sang a song entitled, "A Pig is A Person Like You and Me" and successfully made the princess laugh despite all his jokes being embarrassingly bad. You may also remember him from the early 90's cartoon "Bobby's World," which was certainly a piece of shit.

In any event, when came in vogue a few years ago to start giving 80s and 90s D-list celebrities prime-time game shows (i.e., Bob Saget hosting 1 v. 100, Dennis Miller hosting Amnesia, Jeff Foxworthy hosting Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?) so that America could see for themselves just how desperate these guys had become, Howie Mandel lined up to get his ridiculous game show, Deal or No Deal. Seeking to distance himself from his old "goofy" look, he shaved off his mullet, got an ear piercing and started wearing form fitting clothes. Obviously nobody expected this show to succeed, primarily because it's ridiculous and secondarily because it was hosted by Howie Mandel, so at the time Howie was able to put outrageous clauses in his contract that were tied to the success of the show that Fox Broadcasting only agreed to because Fox obviously thought the show would be canceled after one episode. Unfortunately, one of these clauses stated that if the show was not canceled after two seasons, Howie would have carte blanche to do another comedy show of his choosing and Fox would be powerless to stop him. Well, it appears that that cursed day has arrived, because I just saw a preview for Howie Do It, a version of "Punk'd" where Howie pulls "hilarious" "pranks" on "unsuspecting" "viewers." For instance, in one of the sketches, Howie puts on a bad toupee and pretends to be waiter in a restaurant and hands a customer a glass of water while sticking his finger in the glass. The customer is horrified, but then Howie rips off the toupee which had COMPLETELY disguised him before and immediately recognizes the waiter as HOWIE MANDEL, and starts screaming because he's a huge celebrity and he's pulled a hilarious prank on her. Frankly if Howie Mandel put on a wig and attempted to serve me dirty water I would just ask him why the hell he was wearing that wig and then ask him if he knew where my real waiter went.

My point in explaining all this is that in the future we can avoid shows like Howie Do It if we all band together and stop watching the original bad shows, like Deal or No Deal. That show is objectively terrible, and yet someone somewhere is watching it, which makes the network think that America is craving more Howie Mandel when that's really not the case at all. So what I'm saying is that even if there is absolutely nothing else on except for Deal or No Deal, you need to remember the tragedy of the commons and stop being selfish and turn off the tv and just Gchat for an hour so that we can stop encouraging this crap.

Emergency Edition: I Want My MTV

Baby come back

Well, I thought 2009 couldn't possibly be worse than 2008, but it looks like I was 100% wrong. Beginning on 12:01 AM, January 1, 2009, TIME WARNER CABLE WILL NOT CARRY ANY VIACOM SHOWS DUE TO A DISPUTE WITH VIACOM.

In layman's terms, this means that Rock of Love Bus, Tool Academy, Daisy of Love, Megan Trophy Wife, Sober House and all other VH1, MTV and CMT shows (the latter of which is now the only networking running Wife Swap and Trading Spouses) will not be available in New York, LA and other places. At this point, I would like to remind you that the PREMIERE of Rock of Love Bus 3 is scheduled for Sunday, January 4, and if this dispute between TWC and Viacom is not settled by then, that means that we won't get to meet the girls and then hear Bret's reactions. That is unacceptable. Frankly, it is nothing short of a miracle that Bravo is not part of Viacom, thereby leaving Millionaire Matchmaker, Work Out and The Real Housewives OC/Atlanta/NY safe, because if that shit was canceled, I fear the worst.

Viacom is urging people to call TWC and "Just Say No" to no VH1 or MTV, and I cannot think of a worthier cause or something that more urgently deserves our attention. Please, if you've ever cared about Bret Michaels or his extensions, or if you've ever watched an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen and then made fun of the people on there, I am BEGGING you to call TWC and vote "No" on Prop. No VH1. Together we can win this.

Modeling Career Imminent

I am on the far left with the black hair

So tonight Megan invited me to the filming of next season's catwalk "walkoff" for the two finalists on America's Next Top Model. At the end of the season of ANTM, they always flash something on the screen that says something to the effect of "Are you interested in becoming a top model? We're looking for all different kinds of girls of different shapes and sizes from diverse backgrounds" because every season that they have at least one blind model or fat model, so when I apply my gimmick would be that I'd be the short average looking model who takes mediocre pictures. So last season as I was threatening to send in my application, Megan cut and pasted to me a disclaimer on the ANTM site which says in very small print, "Applicants to appear on the show must be at least 5'7." Because you can be fat, blind and NOT EVEN A WOMAN to be a female top model, but they have to draw the diversity line somewhere and being under 5'7 is just unacceptable and IMMEDIATELY disqualifies you to be a model. Well, apparently Tyra and Miss J haven't seen my Blue Steel look and my bunion, both of which I will be showing them tonight, and once they do I am pretty confident that their 5'7" requirement will go out the window. I remember telling my neighbor Becca when I was 7 years old that it was my dream to become either a ballerina or a model and now I feel like my persistence in this arena has finally paid off.

Thank You - Really

I've received so many nice comments via here (and elsewhere) about the Oprah show, so I just wanted to say thank you (really) to everyone who has been so kind and supportive. I was obviously scared shitless about how I'd look on tv, in the sense of both the plastic surgeries I'd need after seeing myself and the way I'd come off to viewers, and love it or leave it, I think what you saw was pretty accurate overall.

My mom (who is a psychiatrist) called me after she had seen the show and said "You came off as histrionic and a little bit emotional...which is true" at which point I said that I would actually prefer not to broadcast my alleged personality disorder which she had NEVER BEFORE TOLD ME I HAD on national tv and that in light of this conversation I would be jumping off the nearest cliff, which she responded to by saying, "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."

The entire time the Hapro crew was making over my apartment, I "struggled" with the question of why me? Like was this god/Oprah rewarding me for past good behavior or was this god/Oprah saying that I was on the right track on my life or was this completely random and was not indicative of anything I might have done or not done. In the end, I think Occam's razor is that the producers - who were some of the most gracious people I've ever met (seriously) - by the grace of god, liked me. Whatever the case, I was/am humbled that they chose me and believed in me and am deeply DEEPLY appreciative that Harpo thought I was worth spending so much time, money and effort on. And yes, the place is still clean.

Oprah Slideshow

Classic

Click here for a slide show of pics and some information that you won't see on today's show including these quotes from me:

"Complete genius."
"Stop the cameras, I can't deal."
"It looks like I've lost my mind."

Note in particular picture 20, which potentially is the most unflattering picture of all time, I appear to be half asleep and only have 3 teeth. Great!

More Oprah Footage

"Are you F*&(&!! joking me?"

Click here for increased insanity and me cursing on national television like the class act that I am.

Oprah Time

Just the beginning

So my Oprah show airs tomorrow, ABC at 4pm, and this preview clip I would say makes me look moderately insane. Not that I really have any disclaimer for what you'll see tomorrow if you tune in. They stormed my apartment completely randomly (I was not nominated) and filmed me for two days, which became a total of about 10 minutes of tape for the actual show. I think the producers chose me because they liked my story (quit corporate job to pursue writing dream) and because I seemed like a character out of Sex and the City by virtue of owning bags full of shoes and immediately announcing my nosejob just to clear the air, and some of the filming was aimed toward building those ultimately deleted storylines. My reactions to their surprises are crazy to the casual viewer, but they are in line with my usual overreacting self and the spirit of the entire footage. So if I come across as needing to go to Bellevue IMMEDIATELY it's because a) I probably do, and b) you're not seeing everything. And if I end up on The Soup for this, someone will pay dearly.

Polar Bears

Getting one for Hannukah

One of the problems with watching tv is that sometimes commercials come on that make it clear that my entire life up until this point has been a complete joke. So yesterday afternoon as I'm watching MTV's True Life: I'm Deaf, this commercial comes on with Sharon Lawrence who I think appears in Law & Order: Criminal Sex Unit talking about how polar bears are disappearing. The camera cuts to footage of two insanely cute polar bears on a small patch of ice that is adrfit in the water, and Sharon explains how the polar bears' natural habitat is disappearing and how mothers are too weak to feed their children and polar bears are drowning, and unless I give $16 a month, I am personally responsible for murdering the two polar bears in the video and possibly liable for the extinction of all polar bears, both of which assertions I fully agreed with.

Well, at that point I cried hysterically, scribbled down the address of the World Wild Life Federation and made plans to close up shop here, move to the Arctic Circle and spend the remainder of my days blowing cold air onto the ice so that it doesn't melt and the polar bears could continue to roam free. Right before I was about to delete this blog and bring Perry to the pound, somebody texted me to ask me if I could not delete The Pick Up Artist on my DVR from this week because her DVR forgot to record it and I got distracted and forgot about the polar bears situation. This has definitely happened to me before, where I swear I'm going to devote my life to some noble cause because of some moving commercial or an Oprah show about poverty in South Africa, and then The Da Vinci Code comes on TBS and makes me lose my focus.

The only way I can assuage my guilt in these situations is that I firmly believe that it's the thought that counts and the polar bears know that I'm with them in spirit and thinking about them and the fact that I have already cared for a stuffed Gund polar bear named Snuffles for many years. I know the bears would give me $16 a month if they met me and heard about my plight but they might not move to NYC, so I'm going to pay it forward by giving WWF $16 per month but hold off on moving to the Arctic Circle for the time being which I think is a reasonable outcome.

P.S. Here is the WWF page.

Tricks of the Trade

Picture of Mystery and wingmen Matador (left) and J-Dogg, prior to Matador's taking steroids and wearing fishnet shirts and J-Dogg's getting cut from the show for being short

This past Sunday I settled in to which usual A Real Chance of Love, Charm School and The Pick Up Artist in order to be prepared for my conversations with Megan the next day. As I was watching the part of Pick Up Artist where the nerds go into a bar to attempt to implement Mystery's methods and the bar is secretly being filmed so that Mystery can watch the nerds and criticize them, I realized that Mystery has been teaching these losers the EXACT SAME pick up lines that he taught the nerds from season 1. There are apparently three key "set openers" - i.e., the golden line you use to force your way into a conversation, one being "Hey, did you guys see the fight outside? Two girls fighting about a guy named George" another being "Hey ladies, would you ever date a guy named Herman?" and the last being "Mick Jagger - hot or not?"

So basically, this season, as in last season, these guys are traipsing around the bar, interrupting conversations and asking COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS questions. Season 1 was filmed in Austin, Texas and Season 2 is filmed in Phoenix, but apparently the producers assumed that no one in the small shantytown of Phoenix a) owned a TV, b) watched VH1, c) had been to the VH1 blog or d)watched The Pick Up Artist on VH1. Well, turns out the joke's on me because apparently people in Arizona do NOT own TVs because women in bars act like these are interesting and original pick up lines when these nerds approach. Frankly if a nerd came up to me and asked whether I'd seen two girls fighting about a guy named George, I would say no, but that I HAVE seen The Pick Up Artist and that they can go now and stop embarrassing themselves.

Genealogy of VH1 Shows

Some of you may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about when I'm referring to The Pick Up Artist, Rock of Love, I Love New York, etc. The whole "problem" with VH1 is that you have to have been there from the beginning season of Flavor of Love to know what's going on and why you should care about the current shows and how they all fit together. Accordingly, I've drawn up an amazing chart documenting the ancestry of VH1 shows for your reference because that's the kind of spare time I have. Click on the picture above to enlarge.