Vincent Longo Diaspora from Sephora

Mama's coming

As if discontinuing Sephora eyeliner #209 was not enough, last week I walked into a Sephora in Soho to replace my Vincent Longo Gel Lipstain in Liquid Kiss which I have been wearing for 5 years now. The display was not in the usual place which did not immediately alarm me, since they're always switching things around at Sephora in order to confuse customers. I asked one of the sales associates in insane drag makeup where the Vincent Longo display was now located and she said "we no longer carry that line." I see.

Putting aside the fact that Vincent Longo along with Nars, Clinique, Lorac and Stila were the ORIGINAL brands carried by Sephora and that it is an unimaginable betrayal to just kick out the brands that made them great, was Sephora ever planning on alerting their customers about this? What did they expect, that I would just somehow consult my runes or divine from the atmosphere that Sephora was no longer carrying Vincent Longo and that I should immediately proceed to the nearest store and buy up the remaining stock of Liquid Kiss or did they expect me togo about my business regularly using Liquid Kiss and then when my supply ran out I was just supposed to go to the store only to discover that the linchpin of my makeup routine had been exiled and then replace it with some piece of shit gloss from Cargo or Kat von D and act casual? Any fool knows that if you build an entire makup routine around an enviable berry-kissed lip, you can't just replace one lip product with another and have the entire makeup look ideal. While I have been waiting for Gel Lipstain in Liquid Kiss to arrive from the shady Vincent Longo website, I was actually forced to purchase some "chocolate berry" lip plumper gloss from Clinique as a feeble substitue and a recent decline in my being hit on attests to the inadequacy of this product.

At first I thought it was just bad luck that my Stridex Foaming Face Wash was discontinued,but with the discontinuation of Sephora #209 eyeliner, the closing of the Missha stores (where another key lip gloss originates) and now the diaspora of Vincent Longo from Sephora, it has become perfectly clear that someone is trying to destroy me. I have an idea of who it is and let me just say that this person will be very, very sorry.

Midgets and Models

Is this a joke

So on Friday night, Risa and I were doing the Trail of Tears around the East Village and LES, as usual wondering where the hell everybody went, why there were like 5 people (from NJ) in each of the 5 bars we hit up and trying to figure out which bar would have the highest number of R$CH men. Among our stops on the Oregon Trail was La Caverna, which plays SHAMAZING music but looks legitimately like a cave where the Flintstones might live, with like stalactites hanging from the ceiling.

As Risa and I are sitting on a banquette waiting for the rich and goodlooking men to arrive and be obsessed with us, an approximately 6'3" model wearing a spandex haltertop unitard walks in and stands RIGHT NEXT TO US. This is not acceptable. This brings me to my next question, which is why would god bother creating me when there are people like this roaming the earth? What is the point in my existing when there are members of the Ubermensch race going to the same bars I go to, ruining my life, blowing up my spot and in general beating me at my own game. Can someone explain the purpose in my spending hours and boatloads of ca$sh dyeing my hair, hitting the gymnasio, purchasing luxxxurious and exxxpen$ive clothing and bags, paying someone $8,000 to punch me in the face and give me a better nose and blowing $300 every six months on botox to deprunify my chin when I roll up to bars to compete with people who are one foot and three inches taller than me, who last ate in 2001 and who doesn't rely on smoke and mirrors makeup tricks like "contouring" and Sephora 209 eyeliner.

This reminds me of when I was interviewing for law firms and it was my last interview of the day at Paul Weiss and they showed me to this woman's office and her name was something boring like Alison Smith or something along those lines and so I presumed I'd be better looking and then I walk into the office and the most outrageously gorgeous person known to mankind is sitting behind the desk. She was 6 feet tall, blonde, thin, nice, funny and talking to me about the corporate department. I basically told her that while I was flattered she was impressed with my extremely impressive resume, unfortunately due to the fact that she was employed there, I could obviously add nothing to the firm and there was absolutely no point in hiring me when they had someone like her patrolling the halls and if she could excuse me for a moment there was a window that I had to jump out of.

High Alert: Discontinuation of Sephora Liner #209

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor,
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an ever aching need.
I say love, it is a flower
and you, its only seed.
-"The Rose" by Bette Midler

A few days ago I lost my Sephora #209 pencil liner after a drunken night out, so I headed to the Sephora in Soho to get a new one. Well, turns out that the entire 209 row was cleared out, including the tester which I thought was weird but figured maybe it was featured in Lucky magazine or something as the number one most shamazing liner of all time for green eyes which I have used EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS. So today I go to the Sephora in Union Square and AGAIN the liner is completely sold out, so I asked the sales person what the hell was going on. She looked in the computer and saw that they were still available online, so she called two other Sephoras in the city and they too, were sold out and at this point I was pretty much having a goddamn heart attack, so the sales person calls the Sephora Emergency Hotline and puts me on the phone with the emergency technician.

I asked the technician what the deal was with the 209 liner, and she revealed that because Sephora has such a wide variety of liners, this one was being "discontinued" in order to "streamline" the collection and package it differently. I asked her if this meant that the exact 209 color, i.e., this exact blend of pebbles and kohl, would be coming back but with different packaging and a new name like Dusty Road and would be $3 more, and or if it was just being eradicated from the face of the earth for all time and she said it was being discontinued and couldn't tell me whether it would ever reappear. I then told her that I had tried to find this liner at no less than 4 Sephoras and they were SOLD OUT because obviously people NEED this liner to go on living and Sephora was making a grave and rookie error by eliminating this and I would call my Senator and tell him what was going on.

She then said that there were 150 209s left in the Sephora factory and that I could place a special order, so I ordered 20 for immediate delivery, and then hung up the phone and had a panic attack that I should have ordered more, so I called Megan to ask if she thought that 20 was too few for the rest of my life, and by her calculations 20 will last me ten years, but "hopefully I would find a replacement by then." I then asked Megan whether, if she walked into a Duane Reade one day and they were out of Physicians Formula Gentle Cover Stick (682 Light) and then called the company and found out that they were shutting down production on this product, she would just say "oh well" and then just start using some orange clown paint from MAC or Lorac and pretend everything was normal, or whether she would immediately rent a u-haul, drive down to Louisiana, buy however many cases of 682 lights they had left and then call it a day. She confirmed it was the latter.