The Bachelorette -- Still Embarrassing

Hi, it's Megan again. Due to a DVR conflict (there are really too many things on Monday nights!), Marin missed the first 45 minutes of The Bachelorette, and so I will provide my comments (as well as Marin's, received via text, from the portion of the show she did see).

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9:17pm (at which point I pressed play on my DVR)

ropes courses do not build real relationship "trust"

um, helmet = not flattering

can she please stop bargaining with kiptyn for kisses

so embarrassing

also, i hate when she winks

AND WEARS JUMPERS

i can't deal with the fantasy suite - rose petals and whatnot

not looking good in the confessional shots - but not looking as bad as lest episode with the center parted hair (busted)

oh christ - helicopter - that shit is getting really old

i would be like, "no thanks, i'll meet you where you're going"

she's so NEEDY - i NEED him to tell me how he's feeling, i NEED to hear that he's ready for marriage. hello, you've been dating for 2 weeks

"are you ready to propose at the end of this" = not romantic

bubble bath - too ridiculous

um, ed's tank top is NOT OK

are they lying on a trampoline? wtf

his tiny green bathing suit is also not ok - why is he dressed like a european gay man

why does his chest hair creep up onto his neck

NEITHER OF ED'S PARENTS ARE REMOTELY ASIAN - marin and tiffany are so busted

enough with the rose petals

what is that henley-slash-negligee?!?

it's a poor man's boyfriend T

R U WATCHING THIS SHIT

um they are rubbing oil all over each other - this is R rated

AS A CAMERA MAN AND BOOM MIC are one foot from them

OMG - why don't they just come right out and say that ED CAN'T GET AN ERECTION

it's so fucking surreal - how could anyone get it up

oh god these stupid fucking video messages

OMG - reid just referenced what happened in the fantasy ssuite as the "best night of his life"

um reid just called himself her honey bear, please shoot me

what the hell is ed wearing ot the rose ceremony - pale blue blazer? weirdo

she's having another bad hair day at this rose ceremony

why don't they just come out and say ed had an erection problem? it doesn't violate FCC rules

i don't know if that's what happened - it kinda just seemed like neither of them were int he mood. am i retarded?

no, it was clear that jill was just covering for him - when she pulls him aside and he basically says in code "i can get an erection, don't worry"

i don't know

what would YOUR level of concern be

my main concern would be that i had sex with 3 different guys in 3 days

i mean - i guess if there were 10 camera people in my face, i was covered in rose petals and my parents were 15 feet away, i can't blame him

that's what i'm saying.

poor reid. how do you do sexies with someone and then dump them the next day - so weird

luckily for reid, jillian looks like shit during that goodbye

marin rosenthal - risa said she'd fight me for him, but i think we're more compatible because of trust issues and committment issues, etc.

no, you are 100% incompatible because of his germ issues - he would walk into your apartment, collapse on the floor and actually die

i'm just going to facebook him and ask him who he wants more - me or risa

10:32pm (end)

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And there you have it folks! Open threads for the comments -- is Ed gay (not that there's anything wrong with that, but it would explain why he couldn't get it up with Jillian)? Are jumpers OK (they look fine on people with cute bodies like Jillian and Risa, but really? Shorts/pants connected to a top? Must be annoying when you need to pee).

P.S.: Addressing a concern raised in the comments to my previous post -- let me reassure you that she still has ZERO health insurance (at least until she completes her "probation" period at her new marketing/sales type job). Accordingly, she can still make jokes about no health insurance (and hence the fund for her impending root canal by a "superstar" endodentist).

Fisticuffs at Max Brenner

The shame, deep; the desserts, deeply delicious

So on Tuesday I was drunk as a skunk with Risa and we accidentally decided to go to Max Brenners, despite the fact that I stand by my opinion that it is the most ridiculous place on earth. As we were approaching the door, two guys got there first and opened it and let me and Risa walk through first, because that's what's you're supposed to do in the presence of very refined ladies such as ourselves. Anyway, so as I walk in I say "Thank you" to the guy holding the door (Let's call him A), who does not hear me say "Thank you" and mumbles to his friend, "What a bitch!" The friend (B) says, "I heard her say thank you," to which I turn around and say, "No need to call me a bitch, you fucking asshole - I said thank you." As we are standing in the chocolate wonderland area of Max Brenner's waiting to be seated, B then says "You're a real class act" while shushing me and letting me know that he was "done talking about this," to which I respond that I'm not done because I haven't yet pointed out his square-toe Kenneth Cole shoes and monstrous peacoat from J.G. Hook.

Deeply embarrassed about his Macy's ensemble, B then calls me a "c*nt" to which I respond by marching up to the hostess, informing her that B has just called me a c*nt and that by virtue of this he should not be seated, or at the very least, Risa and I should be seated first. The hostess then says "ok" and motions for me and Risa to follow her to a table, and I turn around and say, "Fuck you, suckas!" at which point I realized that I was claiming victory about being seated first at Max Brenners and then briefly contemplated suicide.

Facebook Cover Ups

Today Risa Gchatted me that this girl that we both know appeared to have ended her engagement on Facebook. A quick review of her profile revealed that she had enacted what is arguably the oldest trick in the book - which is that the engagement was obviously broken off weeks ago, but the status change was only today. What happens is that when people break off their relationships or engagements, they then "reach out" to all their random acquaintances on Facebook, start writing on peoples' walls like it's going out of style saying absurd things like "hey! we should get together this weekend!" in order to fill up their mini-feeds with loads of "friends" and ridiculous correspondence. They also make sure to bring their camera to every social function they go to and take "hilarious" pictures of themselves having an AMAZING TIME, living and LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE!!!!! That way, when they announce to the Facebook world that they are broken up and buzzards like myself immediately click on their profile in the hopes of seeing pictures of them crying or depressing U2 quotes or condolence wall posts from friends and then snickering to myself, we are supposed to be confronted with the copious mini-feeds and absurd "happy single gal" pics and pretend that it's completely normal and in no way overcompensating.

Like if I was engaged and then we broke up and then the next day his wall was filled with pictures of him in a sombrero and hundreds of wall posts saying "hey man, good seeing you last night," it would be so unbelievably corny that I would probably call him up and then break off the engagement AGAIN because I would not be able to marry anyone who resorted to such lame and obvious Facebook strategies.

List of Names That I Accidentally Called The Movie "Something's Gotta Give" in a Gchat with Risa

1. Give It A Rest
2. As Good As It Gets
3. It Gets Better
4. It's Not Enough
5.Too Much is Not Enough
6. When Things Fall Apart
7. I'm Telling You For the Last Time

The Bachelor Analysis I

Whose dream of marrying someone this corny will end tonight?

Transcript of official The Bachelor analysis taken from a Gchat conversation last night between Bachelor authority Risa and myself:

Risa: that show is way too long

7:43 PM me: seriously

7:44 PM Risa: he's not that interesting

me: it's hard to assess his personality

he doesn't seem hilarious

Risa: no he doesn't

me: or that intelligent

7:45 PM Risa: he seems pretty average

me: i bet he has a temper

he seems pretty boring

Risa: yeah

me: none of these girls is hilarious

none of the girls is ever hilarious

Risa: true

me: it's all just serious

Risa: they're all ready to move

for love

me: it's really nutty

7:46 PM no one is funny

they live in a world

where no one laughs

Risa: no

they are all desperate

and make women look beyond pathetic

me: love is on the line

Risa: "it was always my dream to be taken shopping!!!"

7:47 PM in the next episode, a girl gets to wear a really expensive necklace!!!!

7:49 PM me: so dumb

why the hell

would i care

if got a necklace on loan

Risa: because it is your life long dream

for a tv show

to give you a necklace

to wear temporarily

7:50 PM me: ha

Risa: jason is so amazing

i think he's the one that got away from me

me: ha

haha

Risa: they also talked about his body

me: hahaha

i want to talk about his hairline

Risa: although

i saw he had back-ne

me: really

i didnt see that

Risa: it was spotted by me

in a close up

the foreign woman

was wearing the yellow dress

that kate hudson wore

7:52 PM in how to lose a guy

me: oh really?

i thought the dress

was bizarre

and too big

from Zum Zum or Jessica McClintock

VERY embarrassing

Risa: yeah

me: if deanna wins this

i won't be able to go on

it would be too cruel

7:53 PM who died and made her king

Risa: she's the new trista rehn me: ugh

nikki is hideola

she looks like swamp thing

and the stretch marks

Risa: i'm not sure who i like

me: on her boobs are ridiculous

i mean

this show is not broadcast in hi-def

and i could SEE those stretch marks

abort abort

Midgets and Models

Is this a joke

So on Friday night, Risa and I were doing the Trail of Tears around the East Village and LES, as usual wondering where the hell everybody went, why there were like 5 people (from NJ) in each of the 5 bars we hit up and trying to figure out which bar would have the highest number of R$CH men. Among our stops on the Oregon Trail was La Caverna, which plays SHAMAZING music but looks legitimately like a cave where the Flintstones might live, with like stalactites hanging from the ceiling.

As Risa and I are sitting on a banquette waiting for the rich and goodlooking men to arrive and be obsessed with us, an approximately 6'3" model wearing a spandex haltertop unitard walks in and stands RIGHT NEXT TO US. This is not acceptable. This brings me to my next question, which is why would god bother creating me when there are people like this roaming the earth? What is the point in my existing when there are members of the Ubermensch race going to the same bars I go to, ruining my life, blowing up my spot and in general beating me at my own game. Can someone explain the purpose in my spending hours and boatloads of ca$sh dyeing my hair, hitting the gymnasio, purchasing luxxxurious and exxxpen$ive clothing and bags, paying someone $8,000 to punch me in the face and give me a better nose and blowing $300 every six months on botox to deprunify my chin when I roll up to bars to compete with people who are one foot and three inches taller than me, who last ate in 2001 and who doesn't rely on smoke and mirrors makeup tricks like "contouring" and Sephora 209 eyeliner.

This reminds me of when I was interviewing for law firms and it was my last interview of the day at Paul Weiss and they showed me to this woman's office and her name was something boring like Alison Smith or something along those lines and so I presumed I'd be better looking and then I walk into the office and the most outrageously gorgeous person known to mankind is sitting behind the desk. She was 6 feet tall, blonde, thin, nice, funny and talking to me about the corporate department. I basically told her that while I was flattered she was impressed with my extremely impressive resume, unfortunately due to the fact that she was employed there, I could obviously add nothing to the firm and there was absolutely no point in hiring me when they had someone like her patrolling the halls and if she could excuse me for a moment there was a window that I had to jump out of.

Queen of the Garbagemen

I just got back from the cafeteria and one of the maintenance workers tried to start up conversation with me. On the way to work today, one of the small Dominican men who works at the hardware store on my corner told me to have a nice day. One of two things is going on here, I either a) have an absurdly good looking face and shamazing body or b) am the patron saint of blue collar workers. This shit happens to me and Risa all the time - we walk by a bank or some corporate place where very sexxxy and r$ch men work and the guy picking up the garbage in a blue prisoner jumpsuits outside of the bank yells "you go, shorty." I have never once walked by anything and had any dapper men in suits say "work it out" or "damn!" or "hello?...HELLO?...I love you" and this is because I simply do not attract men in suits despite my best efforts to look amazing at all times.

I've done extensive analysis about why only minimum wage workers are into me and Risa, and I have concluded it is because only minimum wage people are into shapely badonkadonks, of which both me and Risa are in possession. Apparently thin, and ethereal is "in" in corporate America, and short and bootylicious is "in" in the elevators, on the streets and pretty much other places that need to be cleaned or maintained. I will seriously be lodging a complaint very soon because frankly there is nothing I can do to reduce my butt size (but luckily it does not have cellulite on it which is a plus).