Monday, July 14, 2008
Midgets and Models
So on Friday night, Risa and I were doing the Trail of Tears around the East Village and LES, as usual wondering where the hell everybody went, why there were like 5 people (from NJ) in each of the 5 bars we hit up and trying to figure out which bar would have the highest number of R$CH men. Among our stops on the Oregon Trail was La Caverna, which plays SHAMAZING music but looks legitimately like a cave where the Flintstones might live, with like stalactites hanging from the ceiling.
As Risa and I are sitting on a banquette waiting for the rich and goodlooking men to arrive and be obsessed with us, an approximately 6'3" model wearing a spandex haltertop unitard walks in and stands RIGHT NEXT TO US. This is not acceptable. This brings me to my next question, which is why would god bother creating me when there are people like this roaming the earth? What is the point in my existing when there are members of the Ubermensch race going to the same bars I go to, ruining my life, blowing up my spot and in general beating me at my own game. Can someone explain the purpose in my spending hours and boatloads of ca$sh dyeing my hair, hitting the gymnasio, purchasing luxxxurious and exxxpen$ive clothing and bags, paying someone $8,000 to punch me in the face and give me a better nose and blowing $300 every six months on botox to deprunify my chin when I roll up to bars to compete with people who are one foot and three inches taller than me, who last ate in 2001 and who doesn't rely on smoke and mirrors makeup tricks like "contouring" and Sephora 209 eyeliner.
This reminds me of when I was interviewing for law firms and it was my last interview of the day at Paul Weiss and they showed me to this woman's office and her name was something boring like Alison Smith or something along those lines and so I presumed I'd be better looking and then I walk into the office and the most outrageously gorgeous person known to mankind is sitting behind the desk. She was 6 feet tall, blonde, thin, nice, funny and talking to me about the corporate department. I basically told her that while I was flattered she was impressed with my extremely impressive resume, unfortunately due to the fact that she was employed there, I could obviously add nothing to the firm and there was absolutely no point in hiring me when they had someone like her patrolling the halls and if she could excuse me for a moment there was a window that I had to jump out of.