Popcorn on the Train

Repulsive

Last Thursday I was on the rush hour train to Montclair, NJ to see the Counting Crows - SEE, I DIDN'T EVEN BLOG ABOUT IT LAST WEEK. I obviously made it onto the train with 1 minute to spare so I was standing between cars with a bunch of people sweating and furious that I am always late for things and always running around and getting sweaty and agitated. As I was trying to calm myself down from killing someone, this fat couple in belted leather coats next to me whip out this olde tyme circus popcorn in those white boxes with the red vertical stripes that says crap like "pop corn" and "hot, crisp, delicious." This is not Pop Secret Lite, this is the kind of bright yellow popcorn that you get in a giant bag if you buy a new car and is rubbery, gross and under no circumstances delicious.

Anyway, so these people are clutching their boxes of popcorn and cramming it into their faces, with half of the kernels falling onto the floor and then greedily washing it down with Coke Zero (HAHA) which the guy then handed to the woman who replaced it into her ludicrously fake Louis Vuitton bag on the floor. Apart from this completely unacceptable scene, the stench from the popcorn was overpowering and infiltrated the air for the entire train ride. It was basically the equivalent of these people slathering themselves in tuna and acting like they weren't ruining everybody's air. I mean, if you're going to open popcorn or salami on a closed train, why not just grab a fan and blow farts directly in my face. In any event, my anger increased to the point of no return and so I attempted to exact my revenge by saying to the person next to me, "Smells like the Big Apple Circus in here," which the person unfortunately pretended not to hear, thereby making me look like a fool in front of the fat couple who continued to eat their popcorn, the latter of which scenario is not acceptable in any way.

Dressing up for the Train

Showcase Showdown

So Thursday I went home to break my er, "fast" at my parents house, but I had to spend the afternoon getting reading to look SHAMAZING on the train. Jewish holidays are high-traffic times where run-ins with popular people I went to high school with, and other assorted people that knew me ten years ago when shit wasn't looking top notch are extremely likely to occur. It is therefore extremely important that I look unbelievable in case of the aforementioned run-ins so that the news of my enhanced beauty can travel far and wide and people will conclude that I'm wildy rich, successful and happy.

So I hobbled in a dress and Miu Miu heels to the train, thereby giving myself 7 blisters, 4 new bunions and 25 calluses, and, as was predicted, my pain and effort to look amazing paid off because I ran into a guy I went to high school with who was in the cool crowd, a guy I made out with in high school who was traveling with his girlfriend, and a very good friend's ex-boyfriend on the subway. Had I been looking horrible, all people would have reported back to their respective friends that I was looking hideous and that time had not been kind to me, but luckily because I was looking insanely good, I have prevented that catastrophe from happening and am now one step closer to achieving victory over all my high school tormentors, many of whom are fat or in nursing programs.

Ferdinand Magellan

Confusing

So I went home for the past two days for Rosh Hashana, primarily because I don't have a job, and when I'm home sometimes I need to drive places, like the mall or the train station. Unfortunately, when I was growing up I never took note of street or highway names, I just memorized the way to go and winged it. Much like the time when I refused to learn fractions in elementary school, the winging it has backfired and I am unable not only to give directions, but to follow directions when they're given to me in street names. Sadly, this affliction also affects both of my sisters, so when I picked Aliza from the train station yesterday and then had to go pick up my grandmother, we sat in the car for literally five minutes at the train trying to give each other an accurate description of the way to go:

"Drive like you're going to Millburn high school and then keep going until you hit J. P. Lee's."
"Not J.P. Lee's, there another block after that I think - the one with the Runner's Shoes store with the 70s lettering."
"Whatever - just make the right turn at that corny furniture store on the near corner and go past Taylor Park and then make like you're going to Aunt Nikki's old house and then you'll see the turn off for Nana's house."

Other examples of this include getting to route 280 East, "Drive like you're going to King's," the NJ turnpike, "Go past the Turtle Back Zoo and keep on going past Joseph Wildman's new oncology office until you get to that rinky dink street, Whiteham or Whitehall or Whitchsam - you know what I'm talking about," and the Garden State Parkway South - "Go past the funeral home up that weird road and you'll see signs." I would say that the directions situation is pretty much getting out of hand and that this can't go on for much longer, mainly because it embarrasses me in front of people to act like everything is a treasure map and need landmarks like giant Xs and oak trees to get anywhere.