More Unicorn Horns

This summer I took an abnormal psychology class at Pace University, and as part of the class we had to do a Powerpoint presentation on a varieties of illness. I got stuck with dissociative disorders (like amnesia) and sexual and gender identity disorders. As it turns out, all the shit you thought were medical problems - like erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, etc. are all classified as MENTAL DISORDERS. Alrighty. Based on my research, it appeared that nearly all of the men's disorders were solvable and women with sexual disorders were basically screwed because there was nothing on the market like Viagra or whatever that is proven to help.

This CNN article reiterates that if you're a woman with a sex problem, your options on how to deal with it are limited only by your willingness to throw science to the wind and immediately enter Narnia. As suggested in the article, why not take Cialis or Viagra, or better yet, strap on a testosterone patch and pray that you don't turn into Teen Wolf. If that doesn't work, try medicinal herbs such as ashwagandha, astragalus or panax ginseng purchased from the local side show minstrel, or, if possible, get an enchanted rose that will bloom upon the kiss of true love. And if supplements are ineffective, another way to combat lack of sex drive is to put on a hair shirt, take up the Cross, make a pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela, wash the feet of 10 beggars en route and kiss the forearm bone of St. James once you arrive. Is CNN a joke.

FDIC "Insured"

A friend and I got into a debate the other day about checking accounts. I was complaining to him about paying the $3 Chase ATM fee because I will leave Commerce Bank over my dead body, and he suggested I open up a second checking account at Chase because it's "convenient" and I could "stop paying the ATM fees." Great idea - that would just mean that I would have to find my passport, withdraw ten stacks of money from Commerce, carry it over to Chase, wait 20 days to get access to it, switch all my Ebay and online shopping accounts, have two debit cards, overdraw each one every day and generally not know where any of my money is at any time.

After I made all these arguments, my friend said that people open multiple checking accounts "all the time" because of the FDIC insurance limit. For those of you who don't know what FDIC insurance is, it means that the government will insure your money up to $150,000, but if you have $151,000.00, you will need to transfer $1,000 to the other bank to make sure you get those monies back. I asked my friend whether, if Andrew Jackson returned to office and we had a Savings 'n Loan crisis and all the banks shut down, he really believed that the first order of business of the U.S. government would be cutting him a check for his measly $150,000, and he said yes. Well, unfortunately he and everybody else who believes in this FDIC insurance lunacy is living in Narnia because if a meteor hits the earth and all the banks shut down, my last name could be FDIC and I STILL wouldn't get my money back because I'm guessing all the money in the banks will go towards removing the meteor and the U.S. government won't care that I need it for ebay. Listen, if you're going to waste time splitting money up into different banks to get FDIC protection, why not cover all your bases and purchase pieces of the True Cross and some saints medallions for additional protection, or better yet, why not invest the money in cloning technology and time travel.

P.S. Could Capital One Bank calm down and stop opening a new branch in NYC every two seconds.