Monday, November 30, 2009

Let Live and Let Die

Not in my backyard

Um, Perry and I were literally just taking our evening constitutional and we were standing outside of a funeral home that is directly across the street from my apartment which really lifts my spirits in the morning, when these two guys were TAKING A DEAD BODY OUT OF THE BACK OF A CAR. As I'm standing there staring and pretty much shitting my pants, this obese guy with a lazy eye opened the trunk of a HONDA MINIVAN and slid out a dead body covered in a dark gray wool blanket, and then the board that the dead person was on magically turned into a gurney and they just wheeled this person across the sidewalk about 5 feet from me and into the funeral home, as if transporting dead bodies on the streets of NYC within inches of living people was perfectly normal and acceptable behavior for 6:45pm on a Monday.

I was just standing there gaping and then three other people were walking by me and saw what was happening and I said "UMMM" very loudly to try and get them to agree with me that this was absolutely preposterous and naturally they ignored me and kept on walking because dead people come out of the back of hondas and are on the sidewalk ALL THE TIME. Why not just start transporting dead people on the subway during rush hour. I don't know what to say except that while I recognize that I live near a funeral home and I should have suspected these sort of things, apparently every person who has died and used this funeral home in the past two years had the decency to get wheeled in while I was either at work or sleeping or was otherwise disguised in some way so that I didn't know with 100% certainty that in fact there were dead people near my apartment.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

Rare vintage photo of old nose, which has been replaced with a better one, THANKFULLY

Happy Thanksgiving to all you three readers out there today. In the spirit of the holiday, I have made a list of all the things I am thankful for, in order of thankfulness, from most to least. Here it is:

1. Regrowth of my eyebrows since ACCIDENTALLY over tweezing
2. Perry
3. Michael Jackson
4. Friends/Family
5. Not having HPV
6. My job
7. Ebay
8. Being a wonderful listener and friend
9. Celebrities
10. My nose job
11. My landlord renting my apartment to me again at a lower rent
12. Bret Michaels
13. Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew
14. More insider reports on Scientology
15. Compliments
16. Noticeable lessening of my prune chin due to cumulative effects of Botox over time
17. Vacations
18. My parents finally stopping trying to suggest that I should go back to working in a law firm
19. Looking better than most of the people I went to high school with
20. The American Express smiley face commercial
21. Dog shows

What are you thankful for? Tomorrow I will post a comprehensive list of things that are still left to complain about.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

The View from Narnia

Lumineer computer rendering of how I would look with veneers,
4 extra teeth and a piano in my mouth

In Memoriam: Myles (1998-2008)

Yesterday, LIN commenter Rachsky's Pomeranian, Myles, suffered a ruptured gallbladder and tragically died. Myles was ten years old and Rachsky rescued him three and a half years ago. I only met him once, but he seemed to me a happy and mischievous boy who adored his owner. Just three weeks ago he snagged honorable mention for his giraffe costume in the Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade and took home the coveted bone-shaped cookie cutter prize. Since all dogs go to heaven, something tells me that Myles is in the big Louis Vuitton bag in the sky, eating a steak doused in peanut butter. Rest in peace, Myles. Please keep KC and Pretty Boy company. We'll miss you.

"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"

--Sir Walter Scott

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Unacceptable: Biggest Loser Romances

Logistically impossible

Yesterday, I went to the Us Magazine site as usual to ensure that no celebrity news had happened overnight, and I was assaulted with the horrifying news that Rebecca and Christian Daniel from the Biggest Loser are now “dating.” I'm happy that they've "found love" or whatever and they seem like decent people but could anything be more disgusting. Two regular sized people touching each other is already disgusting, but add in obesity, loose skin flapping everywhere and nothing could be worse. If they are touching each other, it should happen in private in the dead of night with parkas on and there shouldn’t be an entire article TALKING about how much they talk with each other and “connect.” I do not want to hear that and frankly neither does America.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

Swine Flu Vaccine: No Thanks

So today, the HR manager at my job walks into the room where I sit and informs us all that there is one extra swine flu vaccine left if anyone wanted it, because a few months ago she had booked some vaccines and I guess someone who thought they wanted it chickened out last minute. When she first sent out the email I spent a full day panicking about whether I should sign up because every segment on 60 Minutes and Dateline is like "Veterans from Iraq with Swine Flu" and they're making it seem like literally everyone has swine flu. Well, I have news for you because nobody I know has swine flu and if they did they certainly would never admit to it because who gets these sort of things unless they're a medieval peasant.

Anyway, I ultimately came to the conclusion that I was certainly not going to voluntarily ALLOW someone to inject this disease into me on purpose, so when everyone was asking me today why I didn't just grab up the "free" vaccine and I had to explain to them that now that I am no longer an international bunion model, I am forced make my living based on my intelligence and I can't afford to go around getting autistic from these vaccinations. My boss then attempted to claim that adults can't get autism from vaccines, which is ridiculous because if the whole idea is that these vaccines CAUSE autism in babies, why would you miraculously stop catching it when you're an adult? In any event, I conceded that even if I WAS to become autistic it wouldn't be a huge deal because autism is now curable with a wheat-free diet and certain Scientology prayers.

Perry Doodlehead, Healer

In my ongoing quest to figure out what the hell you’re supposed to do during the day on the weekend, I got an email last week saying that this charity organization where dogs go to hospitals and cure people by their mere presence, was having a “casting call” for wannabe therapy dogs. I kind of didn’t want to go to this thing at first because their website said that if you get accepted into the program you have to sign a pledge where you agree to bathe your dog within 24 hours of a facility visit, which appeared to be code for bedbugs. In any event, I decided that we should go because they framed it as a “casting call” and since Perry has already been on Oprah AND in The New York Times AND is literally an Ambassador for his breed the next stage in celebritydom is getting involved with a charity.

In any event, we roll up to this doggy daycare place and apparently every dog owner in downtown NYC thinks their dog has what it takes to be therapeutic. I had to fill out this four page form where they asked leading questions like “Does your dog bark excessively?” and “List some of your dog’s dislikes” which immediately put me in the the awkward position of having to conceal Perry's rabid hatred for dwarves and pug faced dogs.

Finally, the trainer calls Perry and three other dogs into the training room for our “skills” test and right away this bitter old woman with a Papillon makes some underminer comment to the trainer saying like “I don’t think you’ll be out of here by 3 today, there’s a lot of people waiting outside,” and then trainer says that she doesn’t care and that actually this audition is a test for the temperament of both dogs AND owners - ZING. So she had us do all these tests, like give your dog commands and see if he listens and doesn’t bite. The worst test was that the dogs were supposed to walk by a pile of sumptuous treats and somehow IGNORE them, walk away, sit, stay and then go down. So three of the dogs go and more or less ignore the treats and do the commands. On our turn, we walk toward the treats, I tell Perry to “leave it,” and naturally he lunges after them and I have to physically drag him away. Perry then somehow mistakes my “down” command as “give me your paw” and launches into his famous paw- other paw-high five routine which I had specifically instructed him to save for our grand finale.

So after all the testing is done, she gives us the results and there were three possible outcomes: rejected, need basic obedience and then therapy classes, or just proceed straight to therapy class. She tells the bitter woman with the Papillon that her attitude sucks, she tells Bogey who was clearly the Valedictorian that he can proceed straight to therapy and she tells this other puppy that he needs to basic training to get his shit together.

Then she comes up to me and I’m pretty much shitting my pants which is pretty ridiculous considering this entire thing was literally an audition for the “privilege” of PAYING for 5 weeks of therapy classes to then VOLUNTEER my time. But by some miracle, she tells me that Perry can actually proceed DIRECTLY to therapy classes and I was like “um, are you kidding me?” and she told me that she passed him even though he seemed “confused” by the whole testing situation, but once he “understood what was being asked of him” he would get on board.

She also informed me that before therapy classes started in January, Perry would need to practice his shit so he could “graduate on time” with his future classmates. She was basically calling him special needs in front of the other dogs which I found extremely insulting because the same shit happened to me once in elementary school, where they confused my name with this girl Marna and they took me to a reading “annex” despite my protests that there had been a terrible mistake and that Marna was the REAL idiot and I was the one with ADVANCED reading skills. I had to spend an entire day reading aloud humiliating sentences like “The cat is in the box” until I came home and told my mom what happened and pitched my Marna theory, which she agreed with and then called the school to kick some ass.

P.S. No, every post is not about Perry, the last few ones just HAPPEN to be about him so just calm down.