True/Slant: Fame & Riches Now at Hand

The nice folks over at True/Slant have given me a "contributor"page on their site. If you haven't checked out True/Slant, it's like a news site that's set up so that you follow individual contributors, kind of like Twitter, and the contributors only talk about their area of "expertise." Being that I have a degree from law school, my area of expertise is ridiculing others, and my page - "Stars on Ice" - will make fun of today's most ridiculous celebrities. I'll be covering things like terrible plastic surgery, celebrity weight gain/loss, Kate Gosselin's haircut and sham marriages. No celebrity will be spared as I mercilessly tear each a new one so that we can all feel a little bit better about ourselves. Check out the page, and follow me, won't you, so that I don't look like a complete loser who writes articles that no one reads. Great, thanks.

Plastic Surgery to Look Like Demi Moore?

Yesterday, People.com had an article about how Demi Moore wishes that she could discourage a terminally ill fan named Lisa Connell who plans to have $60,000 of plastic surgery to look like Demi. Demi says that Lisa doesn't need to have the breast implants, lipo, brow lift, and skin overhaul that she's planning because she's already beautiful. Well, I agree with Demi, not only because Lisa is beautiful, but also because Demi Moore's own plastic surgery has supposedly cost around $300,000, so $60,000 just won't cut it. This is exactly what happened to the Octo-Mom: she wanted to look like Angelina Jolie, but she only had about $10,000 to finance it so she ended up looking like an Angelina Jolie wax figure as seen through old prescription contact lenses.

If you want to look like a celebrity, you can't put a number on the amount you're willing to pay in order to finance it. $60,000 may only get Lisa to look like Demi Moore in Ghost, but as we all know, since that time, Demi may have had jaw-realignment surgery (which I will be getting shortly), two sets of implants, ab liposculpture, lip collagen, improved veneers, and luxxxurious hair extensions washed exclusively in Kabbalah water. It's the equivalent of me saying that I want to look more like Kate Hudson (if that is even possible) but only springing for the surgeries where they chop off my boobs and make my ears stick out. Not a good scene.

Natasha Richardson Injured, Possibly Dead

Last night it was reported that Natasha Richardson, who I think has been in some movies but is mostly Liam Neeson's wife, suffered a serious brain injury after falling on a beginner's slope while skiing in Canada. Perez Hilton is actually reporting that she died, but I haven't seen that elsewhere. While her injury and (possible) death are tragic, you would think that by now celebrities are aware that they should never a) ski or b) get on a small plane unless they're prepared to die. The normal ski death rate is pretty high which is why my mom never allowed us to go skiing, which was annoying in middle school because all the cool kids went skiing and also took cruises and got their hair braided with beads for the purposes of coming back to school and bragging, but it seems like sound judgment now. However, celebrities face near certain death when they go skiing, because it is one of only two adequately glamourous ways to die, because who has the money and the time to go skiing and die while doing it except famous people. Apparently Sonny Bono and RFK's son, Michael, did.

The other acceptable mode of death for celebrities is to die by private planes. You would think that by now if you were a celebrity and someone asked you to fly in a non-commercial flight, you'd be like, um, nice try, didn't you see what happened to Aaliyah, Buddy Holly, that Lynrd Skynrd guy, JFK Jr., Carolyn Kennedy, and that bizarro baseball player who drove a helicopter into a building in NYC a few years ago? The best case scenario a celebrity can hope for is to survive with burns over 70% of their body like DJ AM and Travis Barker and then have to cover it up with tattoos. Anyway, if any celebrities are reading this, I urge you to just calm down and knock it off with the ski trips and private jets because while these two things are status symbols, there are perfectly good other ways to brag that don't involve dying.

Sexiest Woman Alive

Give me a break

My friend Annie just sent me this CNN article, which describes how Halle Berry was just named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. When asked to opine on the topic, Halle says, "Sexiness is a state of mind -- a comfortable state of being. It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments." She also states, "I share this title with every woman, because every woman is a nominee for it at any moment." Riiiiiight.

Um, three points. If sexiness is a state of mind and all you have to do is "think sexy" in order to BE sexy, there is no reason on god's green earth why I don't look like Gisele Bundchen because I can assure you I spent at least 98.99% of my time walking around thinking I'm the greatest person who ever lived, and only 1.1% of my time thinking that I need jaw realignment surgery and that crazy procedure that they have in China where they break your legs to make you 1.5 inches taller. Believe me I know PLENTY of people who think they're unbelievably sexy and they're actually objectively repulsive and in fact in no way sexy. This leads me to my next point which is I think what Halle Berry meant to say is that she was feeling moderately sexy but after she purchased new breast implants and a new nose, she feels great. I also felt great when I got my nosejob and after I get my chin de-prunified every six months with Botox, but when people ask me why I look so goddamn sexy, I don't give them some ridiculous answer about being "comfortable" on my couch eating Fritos and just "thinking sexy", I actually provide them with a spreadsheet of all the money I've spent on various procedures, clothes, gymnasio memberships and makeup so they can know EXACTLY how I achieved sexiness.

The other point is that obviously Halle doesn't share this "sexiest woman alive" award with every other woman, because I've seen some absolutely disgusting things in the women's locker, namely disgusting looking people having conversations with each other topless, and if they're the sexiest women alive then Esquire needs to file for bankruptcy immediately. I actually can't stand it when celebrities get "awards" for how goodlooking they are and they act ASTONISHED that anyone would ever even NOTICE how attractive they are because as celebrities they're just focused on their CRAFT, like Halle Berry is so focused on Catwoman and Swordfish and her REVLON MAKEUP CAMPAIGN that she never even dreamed that anyone would find her sexy. Is this a joke.

Cellulite Reduction Shoes

While walking around recently, I've been seeing a lot of women wearing these bizarre and hideous sneakers that look like a cross between Frankenstein shoes and shoes worn by people who are legitimately retarded. After some internet digging, I discovered that these monstrosities are actually supposed to reduce cellulite - i.e., you are supposed to strap on this clown boots, walk around in them like it's completely normal, and after a month of that shit your cellulite will miraculously be gone. Aside from the humiliation of wearing these things in public and thereby announcing to the world that you have cellulite that is severe and repulsive enough to merit spending $234 and that you are actively working on the problem, I've bought enough cellulite creams and related products for VERY good friends of mine to know that unless these sneakers come with a free pair of somebody else's legs, you are essentially taking $234 and throwing it out the window.

If you think that putting on sneakers will reduce cellulite, may I also recommend buying an amazing technicolor dreamcoat which assists with interpreting dreams, a pair of ruby encrusted slippers which will transport you to Kansas and a golden fleece which will allow you to defeat the Argonauts. Look, I am all for miracle potions, magical seer stones and 3-D glasses, but when a product exceeds $100, frankly there is no reason to purchase it until Us and In Touch magazines report that celebrities use it at which point it you can be assured that it is 100% scientifically proven and will make your wildest dreams come true because it is a fact that celebrities don't waste time on products that don't work.

Celebrity Charities

On Memorial Day, as I was sitting in Central Park with a few of my friends who also were giant losers and didn't have plans, Risa mentioned my amazing Christopher Reeve impression and we started talking about celebrities and their pet charities. I actually don't buy it when celebrities become crusaders for charities that benefit themselves, like Michael J. Fox being obsessed with Parkinsons and Christopher Reeve pestering everyone to do stem cell research. Like I buy into these causes in general, but when these celebrities become spokespeople of the causes after they themselves are afflicted with it, it's not really altruistic because it DIRECTLY BENEFITS THEM, and what they're essentially asking you to do is forget whatever charities you were into before, time to fork over your money directly to them so that they can get better soon and continue to wear ruby encrusted bathrobes and live in giant compounds.

I mean, if Christopher Reeve hadn't fell off a horse and broken his back, do you really think he would care that much about stem cell research. Or if Lance Armstrong hadn't had testicular cancer, would he really be obsessed with plastic bracelets and living strong. The only way celebrities can legitimately support charities is if they pick a cause in advance like heart disease or whatever and then hope that they later have a heart attack so that they will have picked the right one. Like Sarah MacLachlan supports the ASPCA (because the ASPCA rules), and as far as I know, no one has has skinned her for her fur or done cosmetic testing in her eyes so people can know for sure that her support of this cause is legitimate and not because she was trampled by a bear.

No News is Good News

So last night I had tuned in to watch The Bachelor, and then got bored because he sucks so I took a shower. I came out and apparently Perry was bored too and had switched the channel... to the news, which I find even more boring than math, if that is even possible. I actually stopped watching the news when George W. Bush was elected President - I remember I was in my dorm junior year and he won and I announced that I would not be watching the news anymore for at least 4 years, which I haven't unless you are counting 20/20 or Dateline which has more of the news stories I care about, like people getting switched at birth or the toothpaste industry duping people. The headline last night was "Hillary and Obama: A War of Words" which is ridiculous because every time I mistakenly turn on the news or Perry jumps on the remote those two are always yelling and backhandedly insulting each other and they just need to calm down because nobody cares.

Luckily, all the news that I need to know is in Us Magazine, In Touch, Perez Hilton and occasionally People, which sometimes covers politics which makes it boring 40% of the time. Frankly, if it's not on Access Hollywood, it's pretty safe to say I'm not interested. Even sometimes Access Hollywood covers crap, like when they spend 15 minutes talking about Dancing with the Stars, which is a terrible show. I just don't understand how I'm supposed to be interested in daily coverage of the war in Iraq (other than the fact that I do care when people get killed there) when it's been going on for 20 years and everything looks very dusty and we're just storming towns and shooting at sand and I'm not really sure what we're doing there because no article anywhere ever explains so that people who don't read the news religiously can know. I do know, however that some pretty lame celebrities have been visiting the troops, but I guess if you're in a desert, Lisa Rinna or Danny Bonaduce is better than no one.