Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Cellulite Reduction Shoes

While walking around recently, I've been seeing a lot of women wearing these bizarre and hideous sneakers that look like a cross between Frankenstein shoes and shoes worn by people who are legitimately retarded. After some internet digging, I discovered that these monstrosities are actually supposed to reduce cellulite - i.e., you are supposed to strap on this clown boots, walk around in them like it's completely normal, and after a month of that shit your cellulite will miraculously be gone. Aside from the humiliation of wearing these things in public and thereby announcing to the world that you have cellulite that is severe and repulsive enough to merit spending $234 and that you are actively working on the problem, I've bought enough cellulite creams and related products for VERY good friends of mine to know that unless these sneakers come with a free pair of somebody else's legs, you are essentially taking $234 and throwing it out the window.

If you think that putting on sneakers will reduce cellulite, may I also recommend buying an amazing technicolor dreamcoat which assists with interpreting dreams, a pair of ruby encrusted slippers which will transport you to Kansas and a golden fleece which will allow you to defeat the Argonauts. Look, I am all for miracle potions, magical seer stones and 3-D glasses, but when a product exceeds $100, frankly there is no reason to purchase it until Us and In Touch magazines report that celebrities use it at which point it you can be assured that it is 100% scientifically proven and will make your wildest dreams come true because it is a fact that celebrities don't waste time on products that don't work.


Jennifer Wilson said...

Could you comment on Fit Flops, please.

Cohen said...

Dear Robespierre,

Katherine Heigl wears these sneakers -- which i read about in Us Weekly recently. Does that mean it's actually ok to wear them after all? Please advise, as i have $234 burning a hole in my pocket...and an ex-boyfriend of mine once did research on my cellulite using google, and basically told me it was pretty much hopeless...perhaps until now.