My Ear, Part IV

Click to enlarge my unbelievable test results

So, following my course of antibiotics and prednisone, neither of which did anything except stop me from drinking for 4 days, I decided to return to Dr. Lim and tell her that my ears were still ringing. I went through the entire process again of booking a "follow up" appointment (aka, no extra charge), waiting in the waiting room with the blaring Good Morning America, and having Lim look in my ears, spritz crap in my nose, tell me that it was still clogged at which point I reminded her of that it had been clogged since my 2001 nosejob and there was no reason to think that in the week since I'd seen her last it would magically clear up and that a Ven diagram suggested that if my ears had only been ringing for a few weeks but my nosejob was eight wonderful years ago, the two circles did not overlap and the nosejob was not the cause of the ringing. She ignored me, filled out some forms and told me she was sending me for hearing tests. Mind you, she didn't ask whether I was having trouble hearing, and the appointment was at 8am so I was too tired to tell her that my hearing was fine, andshe wrote a referral form and gave me the names of 5 HEARING AID places to call for my tests, one of which was that horrible NY Eye & Ear Infirmary hellhole.

I go home, call one of the places to ask how much their hearing tests cost because I'm paying out of pocket due to my lack of insurance, and because it's a hearing aid place, the volume on their end of the phone is all the way up so they scream in my ear that it's $300 and I say, "no thanks, I'd rather go deaf but at least have some money," and then I proceed to complain to several people via Gchat about how absolutely ridiculous is that I was sent to get my hearing checked and that they're attempting to charge me $300 to ring some tones in my ear and tell me that my hearing is fine. Several people, including L.G. and my parents, insinuated that maybe there IS something wrong with my hearing and that maybe I'm just being defensive about it, which is patently false, but anyway the only way I could conclusively prove these people wrong and rub it in their faces was if I got my hearing checked. So I called back Audio Help Associates and told them to count me in for the $300.

This morning, I arrive for my 9am hearing test appointment and check in at the receptionist desk. Since this is a place for the hearing impaired, the receptionist SCREAMS at me "PLEASE HAVE A SEAT" and then SCREAMS again for me to fill out some forms which contain questions including rating things on a 0-5 scale, including "interest in improving your hearing aid device" and "comfort conversing with friends and loved ones." One of the "audiologists" (bizarre, made up profession) comes out and the receptionist whispers to him that I don't have insurance, believing me to be deaf, and the audiologist gives me the stink eye and whispers back to her "she's not my client" to which I reply "Hello, I'm Marin and I don't have insurance, here are my forms" which completely stuns both the receptionist and the audiologist because obviously they are accostomed to whispering shit about people directly in front of their faces.

As I'm waiting with two elderly men, my 28 year old "audiologist" comes out and takes me to a weird padded small chamber with bizarro 80s machinery involving dot matrix printouts. She sticks things in my ear that supposedly take "pressure measurements" and it becomes abundantly clear that the latest advances in audiology may also include blood letting, phrenology and application of virgin tears. She then puts the tone plugs in my ear and goes to a room facing me with a window and puts on a 1-800-Dentist headset and tells me through the head microphone that she will be playing tones and I should say "Yes" when I hear them. I obviously hear all the tones, even the sneaky ones and the longer silences that I know she was trying to trick me with, and after we're done with this exercise in lunacy she asks me to repeat words after she says them. So I'm sitting there in a chamber wearing earplugs, looking at this girl in a headset who is probably two people apart from me on Facebook, repeating words like "use" "toe" "cat" "stove" back to her and about to die of laughter and shame. Finally, she looks up at me and says into her headset microphone, "why are you here?" because I'm obviously kicking this hearing test's ass and I say, "I know, it is absolutely ridiculous," and I tell her that my ears have been ringing and that Dr. Lim sent me here to have my hearing checked but obviously my hearing is fine. She rolls her eyes and says "your hearing is average" and I said, "wait, do you mean like getting a C or like average as is my hearing is normal" and she said "your hearing is normal." Approximately seven minutes have elapsed into my test at this point, and she then takes me to back to the receptionist and permits them to charge me $305, in what comes out to $38 a minute. I then ask for a copy of my test results and the receptionist says "We can send it to you, our copier is broke" and I inform her that I just paid $305 for this test and I am a blogger and if she could kindly scan it and print it that would be ideal, so she scans and prints a copy.

As you can see, I received "Av" on my clinical interpretations (which I initially thought said "A+" but Aliza informed me that I was only fooling myself), in addition to "Excellent WRS." I also received two "Good"s and many "10"s and "100"s throughout this report, so at this time I would like to accuse L.G. and my parents of having worse hearing than me and also say in your face to them.

Giuliana Rancic, Soon to Revert to DePandi

These look new

Um, has anybody seen Giuliana DePandi Rancic recently? She isn't wearing her engagement ring/wedding ring anymore and I predict announcement of divorce imminently. This is EXACTLY the sort of stuff that happens when you brag about your engagement and honeymoon on air and then change your name to prove that you're married to an F-list celebrity. Unsurprisingly, her separation from Bill Rancic coincides with the new GIANT WATERBALLOONS she has bolted to her chest. She'll show him, that sexy vixen! You know, I let it slide when she got a chin implant a few years ago because she badly needed it and I didn't want to discourage her, but these mongoloid funbags are outrageous. Who does she think she can trick into believing that she's always had these? You can't go on the air flat chested one day and then come back from a "vacation" with 7 more pounds of breasticles attached and offer no explanation. It's like this girl I went to high school with who maintained she was in a car accident that miraculously broke her nose into a perfect ski slope. At least she had a reasonable explanation.

Not Acceptable - Mantyhose

No

As a woman living in NY, is it my duty to perpetrate any and all deceptions to increase my beauty by any means necessary. This includes, but is not limited to: deprunifying my chin via Botox, dyeing my hair, wearing contacts, artfully coloring in my eyebrows, availing myself of latest advances alchemy and unsubstantiated science by using eye creams made of the Youth Molecule TM, whitening my teeth, paying someone $8,000 to break my nose, wearing push-up bras when called for by the situation, and of course, donning Spanx at all times.

One of the nice things is that despite me doing all this, people treat me normally and even sometimes act like I'm attractive and overlook this giant mirage. However, if the tables were turned and I found that the guy I was dating was, I don't know, WEARING SPANX, there would be hell to pay. First of all, CREEPY. Second of all, a man wearing Spanx is potentially THE most unmanly thing I've ever heard of besides To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Love, Julie Newmar. And yet, according to this article, the demand for "Mantyhose" is on the rise by non-cross-dressing men. At this point, I would like to declare that if I ever, EVER made out with a guy and then it was revealed that he was wearing mantyhose, I would stop, drop and roll out of the room and call a parent or a trusted friend. The bottom line is that I'm the one that's supposed to be using girdles to hide my fat and there just can't be two people in a relationship lying to each other about their bodies. The way relationships work is that the girl gets to lie and the guy has to be deceived and then act casual about it. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it needs to be, because frankly I can't go on if guys start wearing mantyhose. I cannot go on.

Proposed Economic Fallback Plans

Diamonds on my wall

As you may know, I am a big fan of get rich quick schemes, pyramid schemes, ponsi schemes and schemes in general. My attempts to acquire employment have thus far been thwarted in this "economy" so I was brainstorming on ways to make boatloads of money that do not involve me actually working. Here are just a few of my ideas, if you can even believe that I have more where these came from. Do NOT steal them.

1. Opening a petting zoo, with Perry has the main/only attraction. $10 entrance fee, $5 per each pet.
2. Scraping the Swarovski crystals that are on the wallpaper that Oprah gave me, and selling them as diamonds on Canal Street.
3. Going to every Duane Reade in the city, and opening every Secret Flawless deodorant to find the fake sequin hidden under the cap, which is redeemable for a 1 carat "flawless" diamond, which I will then sell for ice cold cash.
4. Plastic surgery consultant, whereby if you think someone has had plastic surgery but are too afraid to confront them about it, contact me and I will provided a detailed analysis of likely plastic surgeries, along with percentage of likelihood breakdown and name of probable surgeon.
5. Personality/dating analysis, whereby I meet you and tell you the truth about why you're still single.

Things To Be Read at My Funeral

Nobody's going anywhere until we finish this

No one is going to be leaving my funeral until a slideshow of pictures of me and Perry plays to the song Womanizer by Britney Spears, and the following things are read:

1. Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight - Dylan Thomas
2. Funeral Blues - W.H. Auden
3. The Hollow Men - T.S. Eliot
4. I Cannot Go to School Today - Shel Silverstein
5. Macbeth, read in its entirety in British accents
6. Angels & Demons
7. NY Times article regarding my nosejob doctor, Michael Evan Sachs being sued for killing a patient
8. Lyrics to "Summer Girls" by LFO

Sexiest Woman Alive

Give me a break

My friend Annie just sent me this CNN article, which describes how Halle Berry was just named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. When asked to opine on the topic, Halle says, "Sexiness is a state of mind -- a comfortable state of being. It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments." She also states, "I share this title with every woman, because every woman is a nominee for it at any moment." Riiiiiight.

Um, three points. If sexiness is a state of mind and all you have to do is "think sexy" in order to BE sexy, there is no reason on god's green earth why I don't look like Gisele Bundchen because I can assure you I spent at least 98.99% of my time walking around thinking I'm the greatest person who ever lived, and only 1.1% of my time thinking that I need jaw realignment surgery and that crazy procedure that they have in China where they break your legs to make you 1.5 inches taller. Believe me I know PLENTY of people who think they're unbelievably sexy and they're actually objectively repulsive and in fact in no way sexy. This leads me to my next point which is I think what Halle Berry meant to say is that she was feeling moderately sexy but after she purchased new breast implants and a new nose, she feels great. I also felt great when I got my nosejob and after I get my chin de-prunified every six months with Botox, but when people ask me why I look so goddamn sexy, I don't give them some ridiculous answer about being "comfortable" on my couch eating Fritos and just "thinking sexy", I actually provide them with a spreadsheet of all the money I've spent on various procedures, clothes, gymnasio memberships and makeup so they can know EXACTLY how I achieved sexiness.

The other point is that obviously Halle doesn't share this "sexiest woman alive" award with every other woman, because I've seen some absolutely disgusting things in the women's locker, namely disgusting looking people having conversations with each other topless, and if they're the sexiest women alive then Esquire needs to file for bankruptcy immediately. I actually can't stand it when celebrities get "awards" for how goodlooking they are and they act ASTONISHED that anyone would ever even NOTICE how attractive they are because as celebrities they're just focused on their CRAFT, like Halle Berry is so focused on Catwoman and Swordfish and her REVLON MAKEUP CAMPAIGN that she never even dreamed that anyone would find her sexy. Is this a joke.

Emergency Update Regarding Potential Nosejob of Meghan McCain

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Victoria just contacted me regarding whether Meghan McCain has had a nose job. Naturally I had absolutely no idea who Meghan McCain was, but the internet revealed that she's John McCain's kid with his Stepford Wife Wife, Cindy McCain. The youngest picture I could find was a Columbia University nepotism graduation picture of Meghan, which is, like the picture of Kim Kardashian pre-nosejob, breast implants, cheek implants, chin implant and hair extensions, pixelated and blurry. Nevertheless, I have applied my expert powers of plastic surgery analysis to this dire situation and my professional opinion is as follows:

The graduation picture of Meghan shows a slightly wide, and likely bumpy nose. It's not a disaster nose like John McCain's amorphous blob, but it's not the ideal nose for maximization of beautification. Fast forward to more recently, and here is a profile shot - disregard the hooker makeup. Her nose is kind of scooped out, the bump is gone and her nostrils are elongated and resemble those of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie's second and final nose, both of whom were done by the same surgeon (not Raj Kanodia, and believe me I am hot on the trail of discovering this identity of this plastic surgeon).

The real damning evidence is this picture, where the tip of Meghan's nose is PERFECT, the nostrils are carved out looking, and frankly you're living in Narnia if you think these sort of noses occur in nature. Believe me, my nose closely resembles an elf's shoe and you bet your bippy I paid $8,000 for that. In conclusion, I can state without hesitation that Meghan McCain did IN FACT have a nose job, that said nose job was likely acquired immediately following college graduation and was likely obtained as a graduation present, and finally that if she thinks she's fooling people into thinking it's real she is only making a mockery of herself because I'm onto it and nice try but gotcha.

P.S. Dr. Kanodia charges $20,000 per nose job and claims to not do secondary rhinoplasties, which is complete bullshit, since he did Jennifer Aniston's second nosejob. I know this because a friend of mine called and was just wondering what the prices were.

Hysterical at the Movies

Forget it

A few days ago, Aliza gchatted me that she was going to see Wall-E and I told her to prepare for no dialogue and to bring tissues because I was a mess when I saw it. Unfortunately, my sisters and I inherited a gene from our mother where we can't cry or show emotions in real life, but put us in front of tv or a movie screen that has anything remotely sentimental such as animals, animal death or rescue, or cornbag love stories or involves swelling violins or instruments of any kind and it's hysterics city. Um, let's put it this way - I spent half of The Dark Knight sobbing uncontrollably and people laughed and pointed at me during the movie thinking I didn't see that shit and then the lights come up at the end and I had mascara all over my chin and it looked like someone had bashed me in the face with a frying pan. Just to give you an idea of how bad the situation is, below I list the movies at which I've cried and a description of the meltdown:

1. Armageddon - (seen while on date in high school) - cried 7 times
2. Stepmom - 124 minutes, entire running time of movie
3. Sex and the City - cried 7 times
4 The Patriot - cried at death of all secondary characters
5. Tuner & Hooch - forget it
6. I Am Sam - unable to stop crying 15 minutes following end of movie
7. Phenomenon - don't even start with me
8. Homeward Bound - unable to collect myself
9. Any movie in which they animals die or get hurt - Bambi, Old Yeller, Charlotte's Web - can't discuss it
10. Dying Young - cried during opening credits

This also applies to books as well, with the most ridiculous example being that when I had my nosejob, my mom gave me Tuesdays with Morrie to read and cried so hysterically that I soaked the bandages on my face and had to have them reapplied while my mom pressed frozen peas against my head to reduce the swelling.

Class Reunions

This Saturday night is my quasi-high school class reunion (fine, I only went to that school for middle school but I still know all the people there and I was invited anyway so calm down), and it appears that this was a bad time to quit my job because now I'm going to look like an unemployed loser. When I was in high school, I remember talking to my friends about how at the10 year reunion I would roll up on my yacht with my husband and 37 children in tow, be dripping in riches and diamonds and be the CEO of 30 companies as well as a famous writer and devoted patron of the arts and international supermodel. Luckily the part about being rich, a famous writer and a supermodel is 100% true, but unfortunately I don't have a yacht (YET) nor do I have a husband or any kids to speak of, unless you count my dog, but it may look suspicious when people whip out their childrens' bronzed baby shoes and I show them Perry's professional Hanukkah pictures.

In any event, this weekend's reunion is actually just a practice reunion for my real 10 year high school reunion this Thanksgiving, which will likely be the most important day of my life. A day when phoenixes rise from the ashes, the mighty are brought low and the meek inherit the earth. Below, I have outlined my tentative schedule of critical preparation:

1. August 15, 2008 - give up all carbohydrates
2. August 16 - begin Master Cleanse
3. August 17 - hire celebrity personal trainer for workouts 4x daily, 8 times a week until reunion
4. August 18 - schedule secondary rhinoplasty
5. August 19 - get secondary rhinoplasty
6. August 20 - acquire steady and goodlooking boyfriend who is r$ch
7. August 21 - become exceedingly r$ch
8. November 27 - end Master Cleanse
9. November 28- attend reunion

Things I Will Do When I'm Disgustingly Rich

Since I apparently talk about gold and riches so much, someone recently asked me what I would actually do if and WHEN I get my hands on such money. Below I have included a list of things I will do when I am repulsively wealthy:

1. Quit my job - any one that I am working at the moment

2. Commission an oil painting of Perry from the finest painter in the land

3. Furnish a room entirely of gold

4. Buy an estate next door to Bono so I can watch him with binoculars

5. Free all the animals in captivity everywhere

6. Take out a full page ad in my hometown's local newspaper and write "I am very rich and you live in Hoboken - hahaha" and address it to high school tormentors

7. Hire someone to work out for me while I eat gummy worms on a chaise lounge

8. Punish the wicked

9. Pay off Megan's student loans

10. Get a secondary rhinoplasty from Dr. Raj Kanodia on Dr. 90210 who, according to his receptionist, doesn't do secondary rhinoplasties, but that is a lie because he did Jennifer Aniston's and Cameron Diaz's

11. Make them do a Rock of Love 3

12. Pay rent on my apartment for the next 25 years so they stop kicking me out

13. Purchase a mausoleum for myself and Perry to be maintained in perpetuity

14. Devote 100% of my time to looking for the fountain of youth

15. Pay someone who will reveal to me the secrets of the Vatican

16. Create a town devoted to Bedlingtons, which will be a sanctuary for underprivileged or homeless Bedlingtons

Better Nosejob, Better Life

When I was looking for plastic surgeons for my nosejob, I really did my research. I spoke with all my friends who had nosejobs, I looked online, and I read New York magazine on the “Best Doctors.” I was pretty happy with my decision to go with Dr. Michael Evan Sachs, or “Dr. Snaxxx” as my sisters referred to him. His “finesse rhinoplasty technique” (yes, he actually called it that) seemed less invasive as he wouldn’t break my nose; plus, I knew a girl who had her nose done by him, and it was a goddamn work of art.

By way of background, my main problem with my nose was that it drooped when I smiled, and to a lesser extent I was bothered by the small bump in the middle. Dr. Snaxxx cautioned me to keep my expectations realistic and I told him that I was merely hoping that this procedure would solve all my problems, bestow eternal youth upon me and turn me into a supermodel. Needless to say, when they removed the cast 5 days after surgery, the bump was gone, the droop was still there and my friend Risa had to look twice to make sure I actually got the surgery I had been bragging about. On an unrelated note, many years later Dr. Snaxxx had his medical license revoked in part for a number of botched surgeries and deaths.

Although in retrospect I am lucky to have escaped with my life, I have absolutely no doubt that my life would have been completely different if I had had an amazing nose job. First of all, I wouldn’t always have to take pictures from 3/4 angle. Second of all, I probably would have found love by now and gotten married. Third of all, my beauty would have increased exponentially and many good things flow from extreme beauty. Not that I think I’m ugly now, but I’ve learned that having a mediocre nose is just another cross to bear, like the bunion on my left foot or 20/400 vision or the prune chin that I have to get botoxed twice a year in order to de-prune.