Faust

Some people live here

Normally I don't blog about people I date or have dated because it's bad karma, but this story is a CLASSIC tale of someone living in Narnia. In October right after I had my chin Botoxed to remove the prune from it so my smile was all fucked up, I was supposed to go on a date with this guy Randy. Normally I would not agree to go out with anybody named Randy or Pat or Toby or any gender neutral name, but at this point Megan was running my dating life so I had to go out with him. We agreed that we'd go out on a Sunday, but it turned out I had to work at my magnificent job and so the date got pushed off and when I got back from the office the last thing I wanted to do was blow dry my hair and shelaque on my makeup. Anyway, so he and I were gchatting and I asked if we could reschedule and he got really offended, so I said he could come over and we'd just order food and watch tv.

So this guy comes over, he's doused in Adidas cologne, talks about himself incessantly and uses Elevator Captive Network words of the day like "vitriol" and "solipsistic" and "vituperation" on me and actually used the phrase "le sigh" in conversation while telling me that he reads over 300 news articles a day. He went to Bucknell and hated it because it was too white but he himself was white and also told me he sang in a Medieval/Renaissance choir and explained to me he sings "monophonic music, not polyphony like you're used to hearing, Marin" despite the fact that I hold a degree in medieval studies from a VERY prestigious institution. He converted to Judaism from Quakerism because his former girlfriend was studying to be a rabbi and we ordered Thai food which I paid for (not acceptable). Afterwards, he said to me "Do you want me to leave?" and I said "I don't really care if you go or stay" which was a lie because I wanted him to leave so I could call 10 people and make fun of him, and then without a word he gets up, bends down to pet Perry, says "take care of your mom" and walks out. I then call up the 10 people and tell them that I've just met a highly arrogant jerk who obviously studied the Microsoft Word thesaurus in an effort to make other people feel like garbage which didn't work on me being that I memorized the Princeton Review Hit Parade word list so I'm on top of that shit. However, two days later I receive this hilarious email from him:

Marin-

It was nice to meet you the other night. I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with you. I wish you the best of luck trying to find a more suitable job or career and taking care of your pup.

Best regards,

Randy

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. I had a bunch of responses I wanted to send, including "This is devastating news - I thought we had something," "Get help ASAP," and "That's odd, I am interested in pursuing something with you" but under Risa's wise supervision I have a rigid 24 hour waiting policy on all hostile email communications so I never ended up sending it because he would probably think I was just hurt and actually wanted to date him which is FALSE.

Candle in the Wind

Lame

So apparently they are insisting on going through with these "Olympics" despite the fact that nobody cares, and yesterday the Elevator Captive Network informed me that they had to delay the Olympic torch's climb of Mt. Everest due to weather conditions. Below, I cut and paste for you my immediate reactions to this ridiculous news from a gchat conversation with Megan:

1. That is the least Olympic thing I've ever heard - can't climb a mountain because of weather. Boo hoo
2. Does anybody care
3. What is the point
4. Seems like it's pretty dangerous to climb a mountain with one hand with the other one holding a torch
5. If they climb the mountain with both hands and put the torch in their backpack, it's one false move and they light their heads on fire
6. Does anybody use torches anymore for anything except on Survivor
7. They need to knock it off with this Olympics crap already, they're canceling my shows
8. I heard at the Olympics in Barcelona they ran out of condoms because all the athletes were boning each other - HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

Vote or Die

So the Elevator Captive Network yesterday had something about how Hillary and Obama are encouraging people everywhere to get out and vote. A few years ago, Diddy told me to either vote or die. My main question is, while it's all great to tell everyone to vote, they always forget to tell you how in the hell you register to do the actual voting. I would be 100% happy to start voting if someone could tell me: a) how to register b) when the elections are, c) where I'm supposed to go to do this "voting," d) that I didn't have to use a vacation day in order to do this shit.

I mean, every election I feel like all the political people on CNN talk about how little of the population turns out and they always blame it on apathy, tv, the internet or junk food and somehow no one ever thinks it's because registering to vote involves knowing people that know about these things who also remind you about this and tell you exactly how to do it. It's like when they made people take literacy tests in order to vote, these days it's actually worse because you have to have at least a PhD to figure this shit out. Trust me, I have a pretty shamazing education from very exceedingly high caliber schools, and if I don't know how to vote I'm pretty confident no one does.

I think the last time I voted was for school treasurer in 5th grade, against the popular kid and for the Russian immigrant Dima who didn't have a chance but I wanted to encourage the American Dream. Let me also just say I don't really care about voting in the primaries because I took an online quiz to see who I should vote for because I obviously don't have time to read up on what candidates stand for, and it told me Dennis Kucinich, but then someone told me he was out of the race so now there would be no point.

The Starbucksification of the Bay Area

On Wednesday while walking to the subway en route to work, there was a crowd of people outside of the Starbucks on Astor Place. There were police blockades and a barrista guy in the green apron trying to control the crowd, while another barrista guy took pictures of people in the crowd smiling and holding up drinks. Later that day, I discovered from the Elevator Captive Network, which, once again, tells me all the news I care about, that Starbucks was introducing two new drink lines, and test driving them in certain Starbucks locations. I think the bottom line here is that there are apparently people corny enough in the world to actually line up outside of Starbucks to try new drinks, like it was a rock concert or they were giving away gold. This is unacceptable. Are people disgusting?

Every time I go to Starbucks to get coffee, I am completely horrified that people order repulsive whipped cream topped liquid chocolate drinks and pretend like it's perfectly ok and not disgusting at all to be ordering dessert at like 9am in the morning and try to trick themselves into thinking it's just coffee. ONCE, in college, I ordered a caramel frapuccino by accident because I had never had one before and within 15 minutes there was a explosion in a toilet somewhere on the Upper West Side. I think it's safe to say that if it has whipped cream, icing, syrup, glaze or chocolate morsels in it, it's not for breakfast and people need to get with this program.

P.S. Some guy I dated in college who was an idiot but sexxxy wrote a thesis entitled "The Starbucksification of the Bay Area" which was 12 pages long and included a picture of him and his brother on news years eve. HAHAHHAHHAHAHHH

Wildfires: Give Me a Break

Yesterday on the Elevator Captive network, where I get all the news I care to watch, I read that there are apparently more "wildfires" in California. Is this is a joke. Who keeps smoking cigarettes in dusty forests or lighting birthday cakes near flour factories - can people stop doing this. I feel like every year the entire state of California gets on fire and we have to hear the same boring news story over and over again - people have to evacuuate, celebrity homes are burned and people vow to "rebuild" IN THE SAME LOCATION WHERE THE OLD FIRE WAS. I mean, if your house is in a fiery forest, time to close up shop and maybe this time move to somewhere not directly in a volcano or on the San Andreas fault line. This reminds me of a segment of 20/20 where John Stossel interviewed people who kept on rebuilding houses on stilts essentially 2 feet from the ocean and were completely shocked that when it was drizzling their houses floated out to sea. If you pretty much have to be a trained clown to walk on stilts, seems like it might be a bad idea to build your house on them.

My other question about these forests on fire is why don't people just get some water and start putting them out instead of just standing there reporting about how they're spreading. I've seen footage of firefighters standing there with a hose shooting two pieces of water at this giant inferno, which is essentially the equivalent of trying to bail out of the Titanic with a thimble. They need to get some rain machines in there and do something real because shooting at a ball of flames with a gentle stream of SmartWater is not doing the trick and it is time to try it my way.