Saturday, May 17, 2008

Faust

Some people live here

Normally I don't blog about people I date or have dated because it's bad karma, but this story is a CLASSIC tale of someone living in Narnia. In October right after I had my chin Botoxed to remove the prune from it so my smile was all fucked up, I was supposed to go on a date with this guy Randy. Normally I would not agree to go out with anybody named Randy or Pat or Toby or any gender neutral name, but at this point Megan was running my dating life so I had to go out with him. We agreed that we'd go out on a Sunday, but it turned out I had to work at my magnificent job and so the date got pushed off and when I got back from the office the last thing I wanted to do was blow dry my hair and shelaque on my makeup. Anyway, so he and I were gchatting and I asked if we could reschedule and he got really offended, so I said he could come over and we'd just order food and watch tv.

So this guy comes over, he's doused in Adidas cologne, talks about himself incessantly and uses Elevator Captive Network words of the day like "vitriol" and "solipsistic" and "vituperation" on me and actually used the phrase "le sigh" in conversation while telling me that he reads over 300 news articles a day. He went to Bucknell and hated it because it was too white but he himself was white and also told me he sang in a Medieval/Renaissance choir and explained to me he sings "monophonic music, not polyphony like you're used to hearing, Marin" despite the fact that I hold a degree in medieval studies from a VERY prestigious institution. He converted to Judaism from Quakerism because his former girlfriend was studying to be a rabbi and we ordered Thai food which I paid for (not acceptable). Afterwards, he said to me "Do you want me to leave?" and I said "I don't really care if you go or stay" which was a lie because I wanted him to leave so I could call 10 people and make fun of him, and then without a word he gets up, bends down to pet Perry, says "take care of your mom" and walks out. I then call up the 10 people and tell them that I've just met a highly arrogant jerk who obviously studied the Microsoft Word thesaurus in an effort to make other people feel like garbage which didn't work on me being that I memorized the Princeton Review Hit Parade word list so I'm on top of that shit. However, two days later I receive this hilarious email from him:

Marin-

It was nice to meet you the other night. I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with you. I wish you the best of luck trying to find a more suitable job or career and taking care of your pup.

Best regards,


Randy


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. I had a bunch of responses I wanted to send, including "This is devastating news - I thought we had something," "Get help ASAP," and "That's odd, I am interested in pursuing something with you" but under Risa's wise supervision I have a rigid 24 hour waiting policy on all hostile email communications so I never ended up sending it because he would probably think I was just hurt and actually wanted to date him which is FALSE.

2 comments:

Jennifer said...

I remember that story. What a douche!

Sean said...

Omg. I *was* going to Randy is a hot name (which it is) and that I found him charming at first b/c I totally go for the nerdtastics, but his e-mail was absolutely ridiculous. I totally wish you responded that you were totally into him.