Friday, January 9, 2009
Two days ago, I rolled into my salon for my tri-monthly highlight-lowlight session and haircutting extravaganza. I'm EXTREMELY PICKY about how my hair looks, both in cut and color, mainly because I'm just being honest with myself in that I'm not Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta and can't just shave my head and still look shamazing. If for some reason I ever lost my hair or had to have it cut short I would actually look like a pan-faced monster. What I'm basically saying is that I hide behind my hair and use it as a smoke and mirrors distraction to trick people into thinking I'm better looking than I am. This is why, if I get a bad hair cut or color, I pretty much lose my shit and my self-confidence crumbles like a drunk game of Jenga. I've been to the same colorist for about 4 years now, and she's gotten it right every single time - not too blonde, not too brown - just the perfect shade of $350. That is, until this time.
As I got in the chair, I said "do what we did last time" which was the same as the time before and the time before, and after she foils it up and then takes them out and is combing through it, I realize the roots look redder and lighter than usual. Stay calm, I say to myself, it's wet hair and these things change when you blow dry them. So the colorist blowdries it and it's hard to tell in the salon light, but it seemed ever so slightly too blonde. She then takes a half inch off my hair which is I say is ok to do, and then when it's done I determine that that was a tragic mistake and that this hair sessions has effectively transformed me from supermodel to hideous troll in three hours. I have a strict policy against crying in salons, so I paid for my shit, walked 15 steps to my apartment and promptly sobbed into my pillow, asking Perry if he thought it was too blonde and begging god to just end it all. Later that night somebody confirmed that it was slightly blonder than usual, but "not in a bad way" which any fool knows is code for "in a bad way."
So this morning I mustered up my courage to go back to the salon and ask in the most calm and non-offensive tone I could muster if she wouldn't mind? Putting some lowlights in? Because it might be a little? Too blonde? The colorist was really nice and put in a few lowlights, and as she's blowing my hair dry I realize that my hair is now waaaaayy too dark, to the point where I might actually not technically be a blonde in terms of online dating profiles or whatever. So I went home and cried over this as well, but I feel like I can't go back because then it looks like I'm pulling an insane Goldilocks. And this is not in my mind because Risa said it was darker than usual. I feel without my normal hair color all my powers are lost. This is very serious and I actually don't know what to do.