March 7, 2009: Re-ordered eyelid drooping cream, as eye situation appears dire.
March 8, 2009: Pressed face against sheet of white paper and created a beautiful oil painting.
March 9, 2009: Drank a glass of sangria and felt repulsed after eating the soggy fruit in it.
March 10, 2009: Picked hair out of Perry's right ear with a tweezer and admired the crust which smelled vaguely of yeast.
March 11, 2009: Watched The Biggest Loser on DVR and made detailed plans to visit the set and drag useless Ron off myself.
March 12, 2009: Used two sets of Crest Whitening strips back to back today and believed that teeth became at least 3 shades whiter than before.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Girlfriend Experience

A few days ago, Above the Law posted this ad from Craigslist by some law student from Miami who was also a hooker who was going to be in town for a few days, and was advertising "G//F//E." Since I'm not a prostitute (yet), I googled GFE and discovered that it stands for "Girlfriend Experience." According to Wikipedia, the Girlfriend Experience is a type of service offered by a female prostitute which includes acting like a girlfriend to the client. Um, why anybody would want to PAY to be nagged, annoyed, yelled at and threatened with ultimatums is beyond me, but apparently what separates a hooker from a GFE hooker is that the GFE hooker provides "french kissing and deep french kissing (DFK)."
Alrighty - can someone please explain to me what the hell's the difference between french kissing and deep french kissing? What even IS deep french kissing? Is it like when you have an emotional connection to someone like Bret Michaels does with Taya on Rock of Love Bus, and then you kiss them? I've polled a few people and I'm pretty convinced that Wikipedia made up that term because everyone I spoke to only knew about frenching, but then called me a loser for calling it frenching, which is annoying because I was just trying to use the technical term.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Devastating Dog News
I had plans today, BIG PLANS, to go to the gym, but I just checked People.com and one of the stories was that Martha Stewart's Chow, Ghenghis Khan, died in a propane explosion at a kennel on Saturday. Well that's it for me folks. If you need me, I'll be crying uncontrollably at my desk all day.
What I don't get about this incident is that Martha is only "deeply saddened" by the loss of her dog. If Perry died while in the care of a kennel, I would blow myself up, carefully remove all the dogs from the kennel and put them in a hotel and then take a machine gun and kill everyone there.
Play Review: Hair

Yesterday, my family went to see Hair the musical on Broadway, not to be confirmed with Hairspray, the other musical on Broadway. Hair is the one where people are hippies, and Hairspray is the one where people are fat and do the twist. In any event, I had never seen Hair before, but I went in with as open a mind as I could which is saying a lot, considering that it was a) a musical not named Les Miserables and b) it was a musical.
The show was fine, meaning I thought the acting and singing weregood despite the corny nature of the entire situation, but the main problem with the show was that the actors KEPT ON COMING INTO THE AUDIENCE and singing and touching people. They entered the audience at least seven times and were looking at people there and made jokes about people sitting in the front row. This resulted in me having a goddamn panic attack the entire time that someone was going to come near me or touch me while singing, but thankfully I was sitting in the middle of the row and therefore relatively safe from having to be touched or looked at by an actor, because if I had been sitting on the aisle like my dad and someone in a '70s costume so much as looked at me, I would have immediately slit my wrists with the playbill and then shot myself.
I'm sorry but the WHOLE POINT of plays is that the actors are supposed to remain on the stage, and you're supposed to be in the audience making snide remarks about the show, and the two are not supposed to acknowledge each other until the bows at the end. Here, it was like they were trying to involve the audience IN the play so I was spent the entire time terrified of checking my blackberry for fear that some actor would see me doing it and make a scene. The worst part was at the end, when they're doing like an extended megamix of the song "Hair," the actors actually GO INTO THE ORCHESTRA AND PULL THE FIRST TEN ROWS OF PEOPLE ON STAGE TO DANCE. In fact, my dad saw one of the guys that goes to his gym dancing on stage and suggested we get his autograph.
The point is that when they sell tickets to any show they need to warn people about the danger zones for likely participation. When people fly they have the choice not to sit in the emergency exit seats if they don't feel comfortable being the last ones out of the plane when it crashes, and Broadway needs to get wise to the fact that most theatergoers are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE interacting with people singing in costumes and want to be assured when purchasing tickets they will not be touched or looked at by these people during the show.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Watchmen

It is an indisputable fact that comic books are both totally unacceptable as well as HIGHLY NERDY, and therefore it should come as no surprise that movies about comic books are also unacceptable. For your convenience, I have compiled the below list of sanctioned responses if someone invites you to go see the movie Watchmen:
1. No
2. Hahah
3.Is that a joke?
4. You have to be kidding me.
5. Are you a nerd?
6. That's strike two.
7. Don't be ridiculous, cousin.
8. You're a real nerd.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Countdown to Being Discovered: Days 3, 4 &5

March 4, 2009: Got haircut. While the shampoo girl was washing my hair, her nail scratched at a zit on my hairline, resulting in blood coming down my face and a scab on my forehead.
March 5, 2009: Declined third glass of wine at Italian restaurant.
March 6, 2009: Practiced my "why do you think you should be America's Next Top Model" speech: "I'm living proof that being a model is not about being 'thin' or 'pretty,' or 'taking great photos,' or even 'looking good in clothing.' Being a model is about having a beautiful spirit and a good heart, and while I don't have either of those things, I have friends who might."
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
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