Friday, April 4, 2008

Descent into Decrepitude


This morning as I was putting on my makeup I was once again confronted with the horrifying reality that my upper eyelids are starting to droop. I have known this for about a year and have previously done extensive research on asian online message boards, which are the authoritity on which miracle creams help stop this affliction. However, after paying $78 on ebay for "Guerlain Issima Success Eye" and religiously putting it on every night, I have seen no progress, so the next step is an upper lid blephroplasty. Right now I'm trying to save my normal paycheck money by doing things such as buying a D&G dress at Bergdorf's last weekend and getting a full head of highlights and a haircut next weekend, so I've resorted to saving for my upcoming blephroplasty by collecting all the loose change around my apartment. In a few months I will go to the Commerce Bank Penny Arcade and get that shit calculated and I have a strong feeling it will be millions.

This premature aging process has definitely been brought on by work. Check out my professional picture on the side of this blog. My shit was pretty much out of control then. Now, every day is a fight to stay looking amazing. I have to do new eyeliner techniques to counteract the eyelid droop. I have to do running intervals at the gym for a freaking HALF HOUR in order to keep this shit at 105 lbs. Crest whitening strips, which supposedly last you for 6 months - I'm applying that stuff EVERY DAY (when I don't forget). And I'm taking calcium pills like a grandmother because I read in a reputable magazine that women start to lose bone mass at age 25 and I'll be damned if bone mass is lost on my watch.

If I had been a woman of leisure, I could devote my time to the eyelid exercises they prescribe on the asian message boards and also to lengthening my already slamming body with pilates or yoga or some other stretching garbage. I seriously cannot afford to keep on looking at a computer screen for 14 hours a day or my chances of looking good enough to find a disgustingly wealthy husband will be out the window.

4 comments:

Liza said...

I have laugh lines. I try to ignore them and call them dimples. It appears that I am not kidding anyone here. But seriously, I think they're dimples.

Jennifer Wilson said...

I am upset about my neck so I bought $100 neck cream. It's not working

Sean said...

You should try Pearl Cream. Remember those commercials??

Robespierre said...

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