Friday, April 24, 2009

My Ear, Part II

My right ear continues to be clogged and ring for two days following the Rite Aid amoxicillan disaster. It's Tuesday and at 12pm sharp I'm sitting in Phyllis my new shrink's office attempting to blame my parents for my shortcomings and she says "You seem a little distracted," at which point I tell her that I can't focus on feeling sorry for myself today because it feels like someone put a bubble over my ear and the ringing sounds like someone forgot to turn off the tv but not the cable box - like a high pitched buzz that will not go away. I tell her that my mom prescribed amoxicillan for me and she rolls her eyes and goes into an MD-less diatribe about how doctors are out of control with the prescriptions these days that that what I ACTUALLY have is a simple ear wax problem, which she has had before. She then asks me if I pick my ears with my fingers and I say, "Occassionally when no one is looking which is embarrassing to admit but mainly I use a Q-Tip" and then she slams her hand down on her leg and tells me that I've moved a piece of ear wax into my inner ear and will need either a doctor to remove it or I could just buy one of those ear wax removal kits.

Overjoyed that I don't have to pay $8,000 for a doctor, I race out of the appointment and go to CVS where I am forced to ask a salesperson where the ear wax stuff is because I can't find it myself, thereby undergoing extreme humiliation, and I "Murine Ear Wax Removal System" and grab a cab home in order to rid myself of this terrible wax as quickly as possible. The kit says to apply between 5 to 10 drops of this gross softener into my ear, tilt my head for "several minutes" and the flush it out with a plastic blue eye-dropper pump contraption filled with warm water. I determine that 7 drops is the correct amount for me, and then lay on my left side for 5 minutes while attempting to read a book out of my right eye because the left one is crushed against a pillow.

Unfortunately the contact prescription in my right eye has never been great, so the words are all blurry and I get nauseous from reading so I have to put the book down and just lay there like an idiot for five minutes. After the time is up, I walk with a tilted head toward my kitchen sink, fill a plastic bowl with warm water and proceeds to squeeze this water into my ear which sounds really loud and feels like someone's peeing. I determine that the process has been ineffective, because the ringing is still there and the shit is still clogged, so I repeat the process which the Murine kit says I can do up to twice a day, and this time instill ten drops into my ear because I am playing with the big boys and not fooling around now. I again douse my ear in warm water, which has zero effect on the clogging and ringing, but I think maybe this wax removal takes time.

I retreat to my computer to look at expensive clothes and all of a sudden a sharp develops in my ear and jaw which feels like someone has stabbed me. My ear is noweven more clogged than before, the ringing is unbearable and I'm about to fire Phyllis and shoot someone.

Then, I remember that there's this NY Ear & Ear Infirmary, not far from my apartment. I'll just walk in there, I figure. This is an emergency, they'll have to see me immediately, I'll pay anything at this point and besides, who the hell is there at 2:30pm on a random Tuesday?

Who the hell, indeed...

Stay tuned for the "shocking" "conclusion" of "My Ear."


Anonymous said...

You bitch!!! I need to hear the riveting conclusion to this dramatic medical emergency!

Give it up!!!!

Claire Warshavsky said...

tantalizing. seriously, ive never been so intrigued by an ear wax story, which is weird. i definitely can't wait for the conclusion. or more exciting - if the next part isn't the conclusion! and this becomes a mini series. if you like, i can send info on my gross conjunctivitis - the information about the pus coming out of my eye is second to none. Except of course your ringing ear.