Happy Valentine's Day

I'll hopefully be seeing you guys later today, OR ELSE

May this day bring you, but more importantly me, giant flower arrangements, cards from Hallmark that play music, delicious chocolate, wads of cash and expen$$$$ive jewelery. And if it doesn't, someone will be very, very sorry and I have a feeling there will be some changes around here.

There Goes the Neighborhood

And I want
And I need
And I lust
Animal

-Def Leppard, "Animal"

Speaking of things that are out to destroy me, I would like to point out that since I have moved into this apartment, two stores have opened up directly across the street from me. One of these stores is a Magnolia-spinoff cupcake shop, and the others of these is a chocolate store which literally sells chocolate exclusively. That means every time I walk Perry, which is about 85 times a day, I step out of my apartment and am immediately confronted with two of the most delicious items known to mankind, namely buttercream cupcakes and very delicious chocolate. At first I thought it was some sort of 20/20 hidden camera experiment where they watched to see how many times I would go to the two stores and then surreptitiously weighed me when I stepped on a particular piece of the sidewalk that looked like concrete but was actually a scale.

However, I very soon realized that the cupcake store was pulling the same crap that Mrs. Fields and Cinnabon does at the mall, which is that the items themselves don't taste all that great, but they get people to eat their shit by spraying cookie and cinnabun scented perfume into powerful fans that are programmed to blast in peoples faces from 100 feet away and lure them into the store. The cupcake store has similarly been pumping cupcake perfume into my apartment, but once I realized this dastardly trick I was able to withstand the intoxicating perfume of cupcakes in the same way as Odysseus was able to withstand the song of the Sirens, by closing my window and holding my nose while walking by the store. I have been able to withstand the chocolate shop because I once got a peanut butter brownie there and let's just say the outcome was not ideal.

List of Delicious Candy Bars - Robespierre Responds

We are the champions, my friends

Based on the comments to my earlier post, it appears that I have struck a chord in listing the most delicious candy bars, in order of deliciousness. Some of you were incensed that I forgot Ferrero Rocher, Toblerone and Almond Joy. Others of you attacked Heath Bar as being an ice cream topping exclusively and Skor has having the bare minimum ratio of chocolate to toffee humanly possibly. Below, I respond to these proffered inclusions and "alleged" "shortcomings" of my 100% error-free list:

Jennifer wondered why I hadn't included Ferrero Rocher and Perugina Baci. The answer to this is because they are terrible, resemble doody balls, and get stuck in your teeth. Guylian sea shells are, however, delicious, but have not been included in this list because they look like soap.

Blogonaut demanded that Toblerone Swiss Milk Chocolate with Honey and Almond Nougat be included on the list. The rightful place of Toblerone is in corporate goody bags and as the grand prize at Sound of Music costume sing-alongs, not on lists of insanely delicious items.

Finally, Gabe condemned me for not including Three Musketeers, Milky Way, Mounds, Almond Joy and Nestle Crunch. I'm going to pretend that he didn't suggest Three Muskateers which is a complete joke and potentially the worst candy bar known to mankind. Almond Joy IS Mounds with a single nut in there, and both of them are leftover Halloween candy that are ONLY acceptable to eat a) after all the disgusting Mary Janes given out by old people are gone and b) after I've eaten all the Unicef money. Milky Way is mediocre and makes you feel gross immediately following eating it. The ratio of chocolate to rice krispie is lower in Krackel than it is in Nestle Crunch, and I've already accounted for Krackel in the top ten.

Listen people, if you're going to insult my selections you'd better do your homework first, because frankly I don't have the time to sit around and explain WHY certain things are more delicious than other things, they just ARE so if we can just accept my list and move on that would be great.

List of Candy Bars Ranked According to Deliciousness

Come to me

I was drunk as a skunk in a deli the other day and people were waiting behind me in line so I needed to make a split second decision as to which candy bar I was going to purchase and then cram in my mouth. Because my decision making power was impaired, I chose a Dove milk chocolate bar for no good reason and then next morning I woke up feeling guilty and angry that I had picked such a mediocre chocolate bar when I could have eaten some thing 30 times more delicious. So that this never happens to me or any of you again, I have compiled a list of candy bars, ranked according to deliciousness, 1 being so outrageously delicious I want to drive to the factory and open fire and 10 being very delicious.

1. Heath Bar
2. Skor Bar
3. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - technically a cup and not a bar, but so delicious I would wear them as eye patches
4. Lindt milk chocolate truffles in red package
5. Alpine Milk Ritter Sport
6. Kit Kat
8. Snickers
9. Twix
10. Krackel (tie)
11. Butterfinger (tie)

Foiled Again by British Candy

Pay no attention to the Petit Ecolier in the corner of the photo

A few nights ago, I came home drunk as a skunk so I went to the corner deli in search of very delicious food. So I'm standing in the chocolate section, and before me are the usual suspects: the repulsively amazing red Lindt chocolate truffles, the Ritter Sport chocolate bars: the chocolate of athletes, and the vast selection of British chocolate bars that routinely make no sense, like Yorkie, No Girls Allowed, Aero and Twirl. The main problem with British candies is that you never know what you're getting before you buy it because they're all packaged in the same metallic purple, white and orange wrappers, they don't say on the wrappers what's in them, and their names have absolutely nothing to do with the ingredients - like Yorkie isn't made up of Yorkshire terriers, No Girls Allowed IS available for purchase by women because I've asked, and Aero is not made of jet fuel.

In any event, because I like to live dangerously, I decided to get a Twirl bar, which is described by its wrapper as "The INTENSE Chocolate Bar," but I believed it to be akin to a Twix due to its two bar structure and the "Tw" letters. Well, let's just say that that will be the last time I am rolling the dice on British chocolate bars ever again, because Twirl is definitely NOT a Twix bar, it's actually a Twix-shaped chocolate bar with shitty chocolate nougat inside, leading to extreme chocolate overload that cannot be handled in one session of chocolate consumption. This entire debacle could have been avoided if the British candies could maybe stop tricking American customers and start changing their names from things like Lion Bar to something explanatory, like Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or Charleston Chew or at least write a helpful description below the name like "not very delicious" or "VERY delicious."

P.S. Someone on the street just tried to convert me with a pamphlet entitled "Kick Your Shoe Up into the Ass of the Devil" - HAHAHHAHHA