Birthday Haiku

Untitled #3

Brief flash of crystal
It's getting ridiculous
Give me diamond studs.

Happy 29th Birthday, Self

365 days until I turn 30 and then it's REALLY over. But in the mean time, I'll fiddle while Rome burns. Happy birthday, Marin. I've managed to remain unemployed for 350 days and that is nothing to sneer at.

May the next year bring me, as always, obscene wealth, everlasting fame and true love's kiss, and may this birthday also bring me a present in the form of at least 2 carat diamond studs. Last year I believe I asked for 1 carat but since the studs were not purchased for me at that time, I have had to increase my asking size due to inflation and interest rates.

Jason's Choice of Hideous Ring Inadvertedly Reveals Winner

Terrible. Just terrible.

When I saw the above picture on People.com under the heading "The Ring Chosen By Bachelor Jason" I briefly contemplated suicide because it really proved to me that only the corniest people with the WORST taste are rewarded in life. Let's examine the ring, shall we? Well, what we have here is a 1.94 carat MARQUISE cut diamond in a monstrous six prong setting, "enCRUSTed with 170" diamonds, for a total of 3.18 carats, with the emphasis on "crust." This ring is a disaster from top to bottom and closely resembles a diamond turd on top of a cracked sidewalk. ason says he chose this ring because it was "feminine" and reminded him of the girl he picked, a.k.a Melissa, who has a penchant for accenting her french manicure tips with pinky rings and wearing dresses from Jessica McClintock.

The worst part of it all is that Jason had a CHOICE of three rings - an oval, a pear and this piece of crap, and yet he went with a small marquise diamond, so even if Melissa gets a grip on reality and decides to have the stone taken out of the dirty sidewalk and put it in another setting, it will look like a ring that you get at the dentist's office or order from Oriental Trading Company. Frankly if Jason proposed to me with a ring that had a center stone that was BOTH a marquise AND less than 2 carats I would tell him that if he ran fast he could catch Molly or Melissa's limousine and he could propose to them with that garbage ring because I sure as hell would not be accepting that crap.

Happy Valentine's Day

I'll hopefully be seeing you guys later today, OR ELSE

May this day bring you, but more importantly me, giant flower arrangements, cards from Hallmark that play music, delicious chocolate, wads of cash and expen$$$$ive jewelery. And if it doesn't, someone will be very, very sorry and I have a feeling there will be some changes around here.

Not Acceptable - Tribal Armband Tattoos

I believe barbed wire and tribal armband tattoos were MILDLY cool for MAYBE about 2 seconds in when Barb Wire starring Pamela Anderson came out and her costume was too tight and she had a miscarriage. Unfortunately, people are still insisting on getting these despite the fact that none of these people are in any tribes. At this point, I'd like to confirm that tribal armband tattoos look completely ridiculous, indicate that you drink Muscle Milk and wear a shell necklace from Hollister and pretty much announce to the world that you ran out of ideas for things to get tattooed on, threw in the towel and picked one of the ones they had on the wall at the tattoo store and paid for it using money saved up from working at the Vitamin Shoppe.

The Bachelorette is Ridiculous

In general I am a giant fan of the show The Bachelor, because you can really see how these women who have careers as hot dog stand vendors, church fundraisers and medical assistants are eliminated are losing their one and only chance to marry a millionaire (Brad Womack), an officer and a gentleman (Lt. Andy Baldwin), a doctor (Lt. Andy Baldwin), or a prince (Prince Lorenzo Borghese), so it makes sense to me that these women would throw themselves at these chumps, catfight over them and cry hysterically when they are eliminated. I can't really say the same thing about The Bachelorette, where they have 25 moderately decently employed guys vying for the attention of one average girl who, this season, is a kindergarten teacher. Not that there's anything wrong with being a kindergarten teacher, but it makes no sense that these guys would sob into the camera saying that their dreams of marrying an kindergarten teacher are crushed forever when they could pretty easily put up a post on Craigslist or go on Match.com and get one of them ASAP.

In any event, this season the Bachelorette is a reject from a prior show, DeAnna Pappas, whom they brought back because, according to the announcer, "America fell in love with her." Apparently I missed the boat on this, because I can certify that I did NOT fall in love with her because she came off as needy and demanding and unlike Trista or the other bachelorettes with smoking bodies, the producers were always mysteriously filming around the lower half of her body - like they'd shoot her about to take off her clothes and jump into the pool and then cut to her already IN the pool because they were trying to hide from America her giant ass and obviously cellulitic butt, but I was onto it, and I once paused it before the camera cut out and you can DEFINITELY see her cellulite.

Anyway, when I saw The Bachelorette premiere last night, it was apparent that DeAnna has gone to the collagen factory, because in general when people get elected Bachelorette, they are immediately sequestered into Bachelorette Bootcamp, where they provide you with a Nazi personal trainer to get your ass in gear, liposocution as needed, collagen for your flimsy lips, unlimited spray tanning, DaVinci veneers and reasonable sized implants. Sadly for DeAnna, bootcamp was not enough and they are still refusing to film her lower body and always have her in pants, full length sarongs and other ridiculous items that cover her up and make it seem completely normal. This is exactly why I need to be elected as the next Bachelorette - not only because of the free plastic surgery, but also because America is tired of whiney people who talk about their feelings, how in love they are with people on the show and their amazing connections with other people, and want someone who will just tell people the truth. Like I would tell the martial arts master guy that he was eliminated based on his thinning hair/mullet combination and tell the guy who jumped in the pool with a giant cross necklace that I have a strict policy on man jewelry in that it is unacceptable.

Man Jewelry = No

The guy with the 30 inch Star of David is on the right. Unbelievable and hilarious pic courtesy of Jen. This entire picture is unacceptable.

My friend Jen informed me, post hoc (actually, I don't know what "post hoc" means, but I think I'm using it correctly) that some guy she had gone on some dates with wore his Tufts college ring. This is absolutely 100% unacceptable, and had she revealed this information to me in the beginning I would have strenuously advised her to dump him immediately. Unless you are literally in the movie Goodfellas, bejewelled or non-wedding related rings are absolutely ridiculous and make men look like child molesters. This past summer I went to Fire Island with Jen, and she befriended a guy whom I refused to even introduce myself to because he was wearing a gold necklace with a 2 x 1.5 inch long Star of David pendant while shirtless on the beach. I begged the people around me to agree that it was completely ridiculous and potentially illegal, but everyone just seemed to be acting casual about it, like it was no big deal whatsoever that some guy was tanning with a 30 inch Jewish star danging from his neck. Um, needless to say I did not fit in in Fire Island whatsoever, and in fact you'd have to light me on fire in order to get me to go back.

For your reference, I've compiled a list of other unacceptable man jewelry: Livestrong bracelets, gold or silver metal chain bracelets, thumb rings, hemp necklaces, shell necklaces, hemp and shell necklaces, crosses, Jewish stars, leather cuffs, Kabbalah bracelets, and college or fraternity rings. The only acceptable bracelet I can think of is that Diabeetus alert bracelet, and even that is borderline unacceptable.