Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Foiled Again by British Candy
A few nights ago, I came home drunk as a skunk so I went to the corner deli in search of very delicious food. So I'm standing in the chocolate section, and before me are the usual suspects: the repulsively amazing red Lindt chocolate truffles, the Ritter Sport chocolate bars: the chocolate of athletes, and the vast selection of British chocolate bars that routinely make no sense, like Yorkie, No Girls Allowed, Aero and Twirl. The main problem with British candies is that you never know what you're getting before you buy it because they're all packaged in the same metallic purple, white and orange wrappers, they don't say on the wrappers what's in them, and their names have absolutely nothing to do with the ingredients - like Yorkie isn't made up of Yorkshire terriers, No Girls Allowed IS available for purchase by women because I've asked, and Aero is not made of jet fuel.
In any event, because I like to live dangerously, I decided to get a Twirl bar, which is described by its wrapper as "The INTENSE Chocolate Bar," but I believed it to be akin to a Twix due to its two bar structure and the "Tw" letters. Well, let's just say that that will be the last time I am rolling the dice on British chocolate bars ever again, because Twirl is definitely NOT a Twix bar, it's actually a Twix-shaped chocolate bar with shitty chocolate nougat inside, leading to extreme chocolate overload that cannot be handled in one session of chocolate consumption. This entire debacle could have been avoided if the British candies could maybe stop tricking American customers and start changing their names from things like Lion Bar to something explanatory, like Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or Charleston Chew or at least write a helpful description below the name like "not very delicious" or "VERY delicious."
P.S. Someone on the street just tried to convert me with a pamphlet entitled "Kick Your Shoe Up into the Ass of the Devil" - HAHAHHAHHA