Countdown to Being Discovered: Day 2

March 3, 2009: Today I ate an entire bag of Pommes Frites covered in two sauces. The sauces were mango chutney mayo and pomegranate teriyaki mayo.

Fisticuffs at Max Brenner

The shame, deep; the desserts, deeply delicious

So on Tuesday I was drunk as a skunk with Risa and we accidentally decided to go to Max Brenners, despite the fact that I stand by my opinion that it is the most ridiculous place on earth. As we were approaching the door, two guys got there first and opened it and let me and Risa walk through first, because that's what's you're supposed to do in the presence of very refined ladies such as ourselves. Anyway, so as I walk in I say "Thank you" to the guy holding the door (Let's call him A), who does not hear me say "Thank you" and mumbles to his friend, "What a bitch!" The friend (B) says, "I heard her say thank you," to which I turn around and say, "No need to call me a bitch, you fucking asshole - I said thank you." As we are standing in the chocolate wonderland area of Max Brenner's waiting to be seated, B then says "You're a real class act" while shushing me and letting me know that he was "done talking about this," to which I respond that I'm not done because I haven't yet pointed out his square-toe Kenneth Cole shoes and monstrous peacoat from J.G. Hook.

Deeply embarrassed about his Macy's ensemble, B then calls me a "c*nt" to which I respond by marching up to the hostess, informing her that B has just called me a c*nt and that by virtue of this he should not be seated, or at the very least, Risa and I should be seated first. The hostess then says "ok" and motions for me and Risa to follow her to a table, and I turn around and say, "Fuck you, suckas!" at which point I realized that I was claiming victory about being seated first at Max Brenners and then briefly contemplated suicide.

Things I Ate Yesterday, In Order

Some food groups were represented

1. Lemon buttercream Buttercup Bakery cupcake
2. Piece of cookie cake that failed to cook thoroughly
3. Pretzel stick
4. Soy milk
5. Lucky charms
6. Margarita
7. Scrambled Egg

List of Delicious Candy Bars - Robespierre Responds

We are the champions, my friends

Based on the comments to my earlier post, it appears that I have struck a chord in listing the most delicious candy bars, in order of deliciousness. Some of you were incensed that I forgot Ferrero Rocher, Toblerone and Almond Joy. Others of you attacked Heath Bar as being an ice cream topping exclusively and Skor has having the bare minimum ratio of chocolate to toffee humanly possibly. Below, I respond to these proffered inclusions and "alleged" "shortcomings" of my 100% error-free list:

Jennifer wondered why I hadn't included Ferrero Rocher and Perugina Baci. The answer to this is because they are terrible, resemble doody balls, and get stuck in your teeth. Guylian sea shells are, however, delicious, but have not been included in this list because they look like soap.

Blogonaut demanded that Toblerone Swiss Milk Chocolate with Honey and Almond Nougat be included on the list. The rightful place of Toblerone is in corporate goody bags and as the grand prize at Sound of Music costume sing-alongs, not on lists of insanely delicious items.

Finally, Gabe condemned me for not including Three Musketeers, Milky Way, Mounds, Almond Joy and Nestle Crunch. I'm going to pretend that he didn't suggest Three Muskateers which is a complete joke and potentially the worst candy bar known to mankind. Almond Joy IS Mounds with a single nut in there, and both of them are leftover Halloween candy that are ONLY acceptable to eat a) after all the disgusting Mary Janes given out by old people are gone and b) after I've eaten all the Unicef money. Milky Way is mediocre and makes you feel gross immediately following eating it. The ratio of chocolate to rice krispie is lower in Krackel than it is in Nestle Crunch, and I've already accounted for Krackel in the top ten.

Listen people, if you're going to insult my selections you'd better do your homework first, because frankly I don't have the time to sit around and explain WHY certain things are more delicious than other things, they just ARE so if we can just accept my list and move on that would be great.

List of Candy Bars Ranked According to Deliciousness

Come to me

I was drunk as a skunk in a deli the other day and people were waiting behind me in line so I needed to make a split second decision as to which candy bar I was going to purchase and then cram in my mouth. Because my decision making power was impaired, I chose a Dove milk chocolate bar for no good reason and then next morning I woke up feeling guilty and angry that I had picked such a mediocre chocolate bar when I could have eaten some thing 30 times more delicious. So that this never happens to me or any of you again, I have compiled a list of candy bars, ranked according to deliciousness, 1 being so outrageously delicious I want to drive to the factory and open fire and 10 being very delicious.

1. Heath Bar
2. Skor Bar
3. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - technically a cup and not a bar, but so delicious I would wear them as eye patches
4. Lindt milk chocolate truffles in red package
5. Alpine Milk Ritter Sport
6. Kit Kat
8. Snickers
9. Twix
10. Krackel (tie)
11. Butterfinger (tie)

Glimpse of the Future

Terrifying logo from t-shirt

On my way back from yoga today, which I attended because I need IMMEDIATE enlightenment ASAP, I decided to stop into the most delicious restaurant in NYC, Caracas. Caracas is a Venezualan arepa bar and everything that they make is supposed to be dipped in this secret tangy/spicy sauce that is so unbelievably delicious that I want to dump ten gallons of it over my head, fill my bathtub with it and have it IV'd into my veins at all times. I seriously have googled the recipe 5 times in the hopes that I could locate it and then someone could make it for me, but the recipe is very elusive and I haven't found it yet. In any event, so I go into Caracas and ahead in me in line was the most terrifying glimpse into the future I have ever seen.

There were two short women in the early 70s, both in purple t-shirts and khaki shorts, pulled up socks and sneakers. One woman had a beltpack, the other one had one of those nerd passport carrier neck travel things that German tourists wear in order to avoid being pickpocketed in America because it is 1912 and the pickpocketing problem is rampant in NY. One of the women was wearing a visor, and her t-shirt said "Liberate prisoners of conscience!" The other was wearing a white painter's cap with two pins on them (Obama '08 and "Withdraw Troops from Iraq NOW") and a t-shirt that said "Outrageous Older Woman!" Neither of them had wedding rings, and both had severe calcium deficiencies. They argued over who was going to pay for the arepas and finally "Mo" won the argument and go to treat the Outrageous Older Woman to the food. It was with growing horror that I realized that god was at that very moment trying to show me my future and was not only warning me to start taking calcium pills but also trying to convey that if I choose to continue on my current path, I might as well proceed immediately to the nearest dumpster, deposit all my hopes and dreams in there and just throw in the towel now and start wearing the XXL t-shirt from Aliza's Bat Mitzvah that says "I Spun and Won at Aliza's Bat Mitzvah" on a full time basis.