Operation Facial Deflation 2008

Follow the below plan and you too can look like this*

Faithful reader Jennie has requested a step by step guide on how to implement Operation Facial Deflation:

Can you please do a post on what you did step-by-step for Operation Facial Deflation 2007 as I am in need of doing the same to lose 15 pounds on my face by Jan. 1, including any products you used, how many times you worked out for how long, how much coffee you drank and any other weight loss aids? Thanks!

Er, 15 pounds by Thursday might be a little much, but nevertheless I will share my "weight loss secrets" that will take you from obese to extreme buffosity in just three painful weeks.

1. First of all, in terms of getting rid of bagel face, face exercises don't work so don't even both with that shit. I've tried chin-ups where you move your jaw back and forth and nose wiggling for 45 minutes while reading "Henry VIII and His Court" and I saw absolutely no improvements. I dealt with a raging case of bagel face for many, many years until I lost my baby fat about a year ago, which was exhilarating but also alarming because it signaled that I would likely need cheek implants within 10 years. In any event, if you have not lost your baby fat, that means you're going to have to go to the gym.

2. At the gym, I like to punish myself so I never want to go back. I run at 7.0 for 5 minutes, and then do "intervals" which is code for almost puking, at 4.0 for 1 minute, then 8.8 for 1.5 minutes, until I hit a total of 15 minutes on the treadmill, including the 5 minute "warm-up." I then pant like a jerk until one of the roving personal trainers at Equinox comes up to me and asks me if I'm ok. I then walk at an incline of 10.5 at 4.0 mph for 10 minutes, but you can't hold on to the treadmill or that ruins everything. I then do 15 minutes on the stepper at "level 10." Weights are three sets of "monster walks" with 5 lb weights, a bunch of useless arm exercises, and the squatting machine which I use for calves. In general I like to say that I go to the gym 4 times a week, but usually it's only 3, depending on whether I've eating thai food that week and am feeling particularly repulsive. I would say "do yoga" but people fall into the trap where they think they can do yoga exclusively and cut out the cardio, and I was also under this delusion for a while and it resulted in complete disaster.

3. In terms of diet, I was never good at this part. Breakfast is a zone bar and coffee, lunch is a yogurt and green apple, and I'm so hungry by dinner that all bets are off and I can't control myself and gorge on Caracas, thai food or other tasty delicious food. But if you're trying to lose weight, my advice is cut out all carbohydrates immediately and stop drinking for two weeks. I once tried to "detox" from alcohol for 3 weeks prior to taking an ID photo for something, and while it was a terrible, terrible experience, I was light as a goddamn feather and I avoided fat face in the picture.

4. Another excellent way to camouflage fat face is to grow your hair long, if it isn't already. Chin-length hair is pretty much a disaster if you have a round face as it will look like you just ate 15 donuts and 6 muffins at all times.

5. There are no creams or potions that I know of that are supposed to be rubbed on the body that do anything whatsoever. Supposedly spray tanning makes you look thinner, but it also has the effect of making you looking 100% ridiculous and corny and directly from Staten Island.

I hope this helps and good luck. We're all counting on you.

*nose and chin not included

Rats of Nimh

If you need a sweater to declare your species, there may be a problem

The heater wasn't working in my apartment the other night, so as I'm in bed wearing a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, a hat, pants and two pairs of socks and Perry's wearing his winter coat, I hear a rustling in Perry's food bin. It sounds like someone in the bin is dancing to "Oops...I Did It Again" and the food is like shifting around like crazy and making a ton of noise, at which point I determine that there is a mouse in my apartment and he's in Perry's food. Putting aside how 100% unacceptable, alarming and disgusting that is, I get up, yell at Perry to go get him, and Perry just stands there in bed, looking at me blankly as the mouse continues to perform Riverdance. Perry will normally bark if he hears someone in the stairwell of my building or if he sees children on the street from my window, but the mouse that he, a Bedlington Terrier, was BRED TO KILL, is apparently no enemy of his and can enjoy doing the backstroke in Perry's food with no fear of retribution.

I actually can't adequately describe the ridiculousness of the situation - we were both dressed like we were headed to Ellis Island in my freezing apartment, and I was ordering my $120 senior stylist groomed coat-wearing $1,500 dog descended from champions to attack a mouse, and he looks at me like I've lost my mind and attempts to go back to sleep while the rat that his ancestors have been master slayers of luxuriates in his organic food. Time to reevaluate.

Things I Ate Yesterday, In Order

Some food groups were represented

1. Lemon buttercream Buttercup Bakery cupcake
2. Piece of cookie cake that failed to cook thoroughly
3. Pretzel stick
4. Soy milk
5. Lucky charms
6. Margarita
7. Scrambled Egg

Why the Terrorists Have Already Won

On my way back from gymnasio today, I stopped into Pommes Frites* so that any exercise performed at the gym would be immediately counteracted by greasy fries. As I was placing my order, a morbidly obese couple hoisted themselves off the stools at the counter and started waddling toward the door. The guy had a repulsively smooth milky white gizzard neck and his wife was clutching a Venti Frapuccino and was jammed into her Lane Bryant Secret Slimmer jeans (the secret being that they in no way make you look slimmer). The guy announced, "Yum, that was good!" and then asked the woman working the deep fryer IF THEY EVER HAD TWO FOR ONE DEALS. The woman obviously looked at him in disbelief and said that they sometimes have coupons. I honestly don't know what to say about this. I am completely speechless and deeply horrified that following the aforementioned events I proceeded to buy fries and then eat them.

List of Candy Bars Ranked According to Deliciousness

Come to me

I was drunk as a skunk in a deli the other day and people were waiting behind me in line so I needed to make a split second decision as to which candy bar I was going to purchase and then cram in my mouth. Because my decision making power was impaired, I chose a Dove milk chocolate bar for no good reason and then next morning I woke up feeling guilty and angry that I had picked such a mediocre chocolate bar when I could have eaten some thing 30 times more delicious. So that this never happens to me or any of you again, I have compiled a list of candy bars, ranked according to deliciousness, 1 being so outrageously delicious I want to drive to the factory and open fire and 10 being very delicious.

1. Heath Bar
2. Skor Bar
3. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - technically a cup and not a bar, but so delicious I would wear them as eye patches
4. Lindt milk chocolate truffles in red package
5. Alpine Milk Ritter Sport
6. Kit Kat
8. Snickers
9. Twix
10. Krackel (tie)
11. Butterfinger (tie)

Glimpse of the Future

Terrifying logo from t-shirt

On my way back from yoga today, which I attended because I need IMMEDIATE enlightenment ASAP, I decided to stop into the most delicious restaurant in NYC, Caracas. Caracas is a Venezualan arepa bar and everything that they make is supposed to be dipped in this secret tangy/spicy sauce that is so unbelievably delicious that I want to dump ten gallons of it over my head, fill my bathtub with it and have it IV'd into my veins at all times. I seriously have googled the recipe 5 times in the hopes that I could locate it and then someone could make it for me, but the recipe is very elusive and I haven't found it yet. In any event, so I go into Caracas and ahead in me in line was the most terrifying glimpse into the future I have ever seen.

There were two short women in the early 70s, both in purple t-shirts and khaki shorts, pulled up socks and sneakers. One woman had a beltpack, the other one had one of those nerd passport carrier neck travel things that German tourists wear in order to avoid being pickpocketed in America because it is 1912 and the pickpocketing problem is rampant in NY. One of the women was wearing a visor, and her t-shirt said "Liberate prisoners of conscience!" The other was wearing a white painter's cap with two pins on them (Obama '08 and "Withdraw Troops from Iraq NOW") and a t-shirt that said "Outrageous Older Woman!" Neither of them had wedding rings, and both had severe calcium deficiencies. They argued over who was going to pay for the arepas and finally "Mo" won the argument and go to treat the Outrageous Older Woman to the food. It was with growing horror that I realized that god was at that very moment trying to show me my future and was not only warning me to start taking calcium pills but also trying to convey that if I choose to continue on my current path, I might as well proceed immediately to the nearest dumpster, deposit all my hopes and dreams in there and just throw in the towel now and start wearing the XXL t-shirt from Aliza's Bat Mitzvah that says "I Spun and Won at Aliza's Bat Mitzvah" on a full time basis.

The Day When Nothing Counted

On the way back from "rafting" on our 75 hour bus trip, Aliza and I were about to gnaw each others arms off so I asked her what she would eat if there was a day when nothing counted, calories didn't matter, and she had a portable colostomy bag so she never felt full. She replied that she would wake up and immediately eat an entire cheesecake and wash it down with 3 glasses of chocolate milk. She would then drive to the nearest Denny's and order the Grand Slam Breakfast, go to Starbucks and get a Venti Caramel Frapucchino with whipped cream, dip 10 cannolis into them and eat them. She would then proceed by car to the nearest diner, order 70 grilled cheese sandwiches and dip them in tomato soup, pour french fries over her head and wear onion rings as bracelets. She would then make herself 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chase it with a XL Choco Moo'd Smoothie from Jamba Juice. Following this, she would immediately order 8 pizzas and a swimming pool of gnocchi and go swimming in it. To refuel, she would then eat a jar of marshmallow Fluff and a tub of vanilla frosting and would round out the day by going to a pad thai factory and eating all the pad thai ever made. Frankly, this made complete sense to me and I in no way disagree with her assessment.

I Repulse Myself, Again

The Defense rests

So on Friday Megan and I went to our favorite disgusting Mexican food restaurant, Amanecer, which is the perfect place to go if you want to eat delicious but gross cheese enchilladas served by the same waitress who never smiles and ignores repeated requests for water, and to drink the most lethal margaritas known to mankind. Seriously - you drink one, and you are crawling home. So we're drinking our first round of margaritas and I'm already drunk as a skunk and then I decide it would be a great idea to have another one immediately. So I drink the second margarita and I am showing all the classic signs of drunkenness: a) constantly denying I'm drunk, b) repeating stories 30 times, c) bitching about my nosejob and d) declaring my love for Perry and how, if he ever dies which he luckily never will, I will drive to the nearest graveyard, dig myself a grave and jump in.

Megan is historically familiar with the signs of my drunkenness, but instead of being a good friend and telling me it was a bad idea to go into the convenience store across the street from Amanecer to buy chocolate, she accompanied in there and acted like it was completely normal when I rolled up to the counter with NUTELLA AND VANILLA WAFERS. Um, are you KIDDING ME? Why don't people stop me? Why, every time when I'm drunk, do I always end up eating something disgusting that I would never eat in normal life - like last weekend it was garlic knots, Haribo gummy bears and a HEATH BAR, and the weekend before it was yogurt covered raisins and Cool Whip. It is other peoples' job to stop me from doing this shit, and if people don't start doing their job, there are going to be some changes around here very soon.