Clothes Call

Not ideal

For my take on last night's election apparel in which I attempt to describe Cindy McCain's urine-soaked skirt suit rag, click here.

MSNBC Now the Tim Russert Memorial Network

Leave him alone and calm down

So I accidentally watched the elections last night starting from 6 pm on. The highest members of my cabinet told me to watch MSNBC because it comes in high def and is supposedly less corny than ABC and CBS and less completely delusional and menacing than Fox. In any event, at one point Brian Williams was talking about how McCain needed to win some states in order to do something and then he says the camera, "This night wouldn't be complete without mentioning Tim Russert" and then proceeds to run a 5 minute MONTAGE of pictures of Tim Russert and describes how much the American people miss him, how he's watching over us this election, how news is not the same without him and then mentions that "hilarious" and "memorable" incident during the last election when Tim scribbled on a whiteboard "Florida, Florida Florida."

At another point in the evening, the camera went to Tim's son Luke Russert who was reporting on the youth vote because both as the son of Tim Russert and as a youth, Luke is eminently qualified to report on MSNBC on what's going on in America and in no way was Luke's appearance on the show due in any way to the fact that his father was once a reporter on there. As the night wore on, Brian Williams AGAIN mentioned how Tim Russert was with us in spirit and again referenced that hilarious whiteboard incident and then AGAIN MSBNC went into ANOTHER montage of pictures of Tim Russert sitting down, Tim Russert joking back stage with other anchors and Tim Russert pointing his pen at someone at looking angry.

That's right, MSNBC's top news story last night was the death of Tim Russert, which confirms my suspicions that MSNBC is now officially the Tim Russert Memorial Network where you can get up to the minute coverage of things like the upkeep of Tim's grave, things Tim would have thought and pictures of Tim from happier times such as when he was alive. I will now be watching VH1, MTV and Bravo exclusively because there's apparently no networks that will broadcast news anymore, and don't say CNN because they were so busy bragging about how it was "the place to be on election night" and how they had the "best team in the business" that they actually forgot to report on the election.

Emergency Update Regarding the Death of Commerce Bank

R.I.P. Commerce Bank Inc., 1998-2008
Always in our hearts
"Gone too soon"

A few days ago I was in Penn Station doing my usual browsing at Elegance and then texting people from Tiecoon when I noticed that the Commerce Bank had been replaced by something called "TD Bank." It was weird because some of the Commerce decorations were still there, like the red stripe and the slogan "America's Most Convenient Bank" on the wall, but it was all green colored and looked like a boring bank that people who have $5 dollars go to, and not millions like myself. No big deal, I thought to myself, Commerce just closed here and this weirdo bank that is CLEARLY NOT America's Most Convenient Bank took over. But then two days ago I was walking by the Commerce on 12th street and 3rd Avenue but something was off - the giant red blood drop that is their logo was gone, the cheerful blue walls with the cartoon figures that I had known and loved had vanished, and the angelic glow of the Penny Arcade was missing. But yet this TD crap also had the old Commerce red stripe on the window and also had the America's Most Convenient Bank" logo on the back wall.

Horrified and alarmed, I marched in with my Jamba Juice and H&M bag and asked the armed guard where the hell Commerce went? He replied, "TD Bank bought out Commerce, so it's now TD Bank." I asked him what he meant and he said "Commerce is now part of TD." I then asked him if he was joking me and he said no, so I asked when this happened and why I wasn't notified, and he said he didn't know. I asked him what was to become of the Penny Arcade and he said, and I quote, "It's now the TD Bank Coin Counter." I then asked him if TD stood for Total Devastation because I had signed up for Commerce Bank, had been a loyal customer of theirs for five years, considered it FAMILY and joined it BASED ON THE PENNY ARCADE AND THE FREE PENS, and now they were just pulling the rug out from under me, making me go to a bank that is painted green and looks like its on the verge of bankruptcy and that ruthlessly stole Commerce's logo despite the fact that TD is lying because it has not been number one in customer service for THREE YEARS IN A ROW. The armed guard then said I could speak to a manager if I wanted, but I said no thanks, I'll just go home and punch my pillow and buy my own pens and own dog biscuits and count my change myself because if TD Bank thought that they were going to get any of my future business after pulling this stunt they were actually living in Narnia.

Obviously in times like these words fail us. So I'll just say, rest in peace, my sweet Commerce. I will never forget you.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message Commerce Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Commerce was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W.H. Auden

DeAnna Pappas Calls Off Engagement, VICTORY IS MINE

Who's laughing NOW

BREAKING NEWS - My wildest dreams have come true - Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas called off her engagement with snowboarder Jesse Czsnzizikick. This is the most glorious day in recent memory. I have been chronicling my jealousy and absolute rage at this wedding, and finally Jesse will be rid of that beast and free to contact me immediately. This just goes to show that it doesn't matter if ABC gives you a new wardrobe, a personal trainer and lip injections for your own show, you can NEVER stop going to the gym or stop being on top of that shit because one must at all times look amazing because engagements get called off and people get divorced, and I just want to pledge to Jesse that I am willing to purchase the 48 pack of personal training sessions at Equinox as a sign of my commitment to our future.

P.S. If she gets ANOTHER Bachelorette show, I will promptly retire from life on an indefinite basis.

The View from Narnia

Tru Blood beverage

Popcorn on the Train

Repulsive

Last Thursday I was on the rush hour train to Montclair, NJ to see the Counting Crows - SEE, I DIDN'T EVEN BLOG ABOUT IT LAST WEEK. I obviously made it onto the train with 1 minute to spare so I was standing between cars with a bunch of people sweating and furious that I am always late for things and always running around and getting sweaty and agitated. As I was trying to calm myself down from killing someone, this fat couple in belted leather coats next to me whip out this olde tyme circus popcorn in those white boxes with the red vertical stripes that says crap like "pop corn" and "hot, crisp, delicious." This is not Pop Secret Lite, this is the kind of bright yellow popcorn that you get in a giant bag if you buy a new car and is rubbery, gross and under no circumstances delicious.

Anyway, so these people are clutching their boxes of popcorn and cramming it into their faces, with half of the kernels falling onto the floor and then greedily washing it down with Coke Zero (HAHA) which the guy then handed to the woman who replaced it into her ludicrously fake Louis Vuitton bag on the floor. Apart from this completely unacceptable scene, the stench from the popcorn was overpowering and infiltrated the air for the entire train ride. It was basically the equivalent of these people slathering themselves in tuna and acting like they weren't ruining everybody's air. I mean, if you're going to open popcorn or salami on a closed train, why not just grab a fan and blow farts directly in my face. In any event, my anger increased to the point of no return and so I attempted to exact my revenge by saying to the person next to me, "Smells like the Big Apple Circus in here," which the person unfortunately pretended not to hear, thereby making me look like a fool in front of the fat couple who continued to eat their popcorn, the latter of which scenario is not acceptable in any way.

Outline of Every Party I Attend

The hilarious faces of tequila shots

1. Vodka
2. Tequila shots
3. Become drunk
4. Deny drunkenness after accused of being drunk
5. Immediately evacuate premises