Monday, November 3, 2008

Emergency Update Regarding the Death of Commerce Bank

R.I.P. Commerce Bank Inc., 1998-2008
Always in our hearts
"Gone too soon"

A few days ago I was in Penn Station doing my usual browsing at Elegance and then texting people from Tiecoon when I noticed that the Commerce Bank had been replaced by something called "TD Bank." It was weird because some of the Commerce decorations were still there, like the red stripe and the slogan "America's Most Convenient Bank" on the wall, but it was all green colored and looked like a boring bank that people who have $5 dollars go to, and not millions like myself. No big deal, I thought to myself, Commerce just closed here and this weirdo bank that is CLEARLY NOT America's Most Convenient Bank took over. But then two days ago I was walking by the Commerce on 12th street and 3rd Avenue but something was off - the giant red blood drop that is their logo was gone, the cheerful blue walls with the cartoon figures that I had known and loved had vanished, and the angelic glow of the Penny Arcade was missing. But yet this TD crap also had the old Commerce red stripe on the window and also had the America's Most Convenient Bank" logo on the back wall.

Horrified and alarmed, I marched in with my Jamba Juice and H&M bag and asked the armed guard where the hell Commerce went? He replied, "TD Bank bought out Commerce, so it's now TD Bank." I asked him what he meant and he said "Commerce is now part of TD." I then asked him if he was joking me and he said no, so I asked when this happened and why I wasn't notified, and he said he didn't know. I asked him what was to become of the Penny Arcade and he said, and I quote, "It's now the TD Bank Coin Counter." I then asked him if TD stood for Total Devastation because I had signed up for Commerce Bank, had been a loyal customer of theirs for five years, considered it FAMILY and joined it BASED ON THE PENNY ARCADE AND THE FREE PENS, and now they were just pulling the rug out from under me, making me go to a bank that is painted green and looks like its on the verge of bankruptcy and that ruthlessly stole Commerce's logo despite the fact that TD is lying because it has not been number one in customer service for THREE YEARS IN A ROW. The armed guard then said I could speak to a manager if I wanted, but I said no thanks, I'll just go home and punch my pillow and buy my own pens and own dog biscuits and count my change myself because if TD Bank thought that they were going to get any of my future business after pulling this stunt they were actually living in Narnia.

Obviously in times like these words fail us. So I'll just say, rest in peace, my sweet Commerce. I will never forget you.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message Commerce Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Commerce was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-W.H. Auden


Jennifer said...

At this point I would like to say on behalf of my mother Lynn that TD Bank is the devil. My mom hated the service at TD Bank so much that she wrote them a complaint letter and promptly took her business to Commerce. You can just imagine how crazed she was when she found out her old nemesis took over her new bank.

KBS said...

It's all the same. TD Bank is letting the Commerce people manage these branches just like they always had AND is only adding more conveniences (like free ATM transactions at any ATM). In fact, TD Banknorth is being forced to match the Commerce culture and customer service.

Everything is the same.