Jillian is the New Bachelorette: I CALLED IT

Ugh, you again

Well, just as I predicted, the "twist" in the After the After the Final Rose show was that Jillian is the next Bachelorette. This seems somewhat logistically problematic, as I highly doubt that ABC will be able to locate 25 men who want to fight over a Celine Dion lookalike and a poor man's DeAnna Pappas. But I've been wrong before, and it's possible with ABC's army of personal trainers, tanning professions, wardrobe consultants and dermatological upper lip collagen injection specialists, that Jillian can be transformed from random girl on JDate to better looking random girl on JDate. At this time I would just like predict that the new season will most certainly feature a hotdog contest.

Countdown to Being Discovered: Day 2

March 3, 2009: Today I ate an entire bag of Pommes Frites covered in two sauces. The sauces were mango chutney mayo and pomegranate teriyaki mayo.

LiveBlogging After the After the Final Rose TONIGHT at 10PM EST

Get a room

One of the biggest surprises of last night, besides discovering that Jason was not America's favorite dad from Seattle, but rather a fickle jerkhat of epic proportions, was that there was going to be an After the After the Final Rose ceremony, which airs TONIGHT at 10 PM. Chris Harrison says there is going to be "one final twist" in this sordid tale of complete shamosity and betrayal, and I'm guessing it will either involve Melissa's limo turning her around and bring her back to the studio to confront lying Jason and backstabbing Molly OR they will bring out the new Bachelorette. According to the press release, there is also going to be an "exciting and moving" retrospective on this past season, which promises to involve soaring music, aerial shots and a montage of Jason on 23 helicopter dates.

So join me, won't you, for one last hour, as I liveblog what I hope will be the finale of the finale, so we can collectively tear Jerkson Mesjerk and that serpent Molly a new one and send them off in fine style.

Perry's Admirer

I'm not the only one with paparazzi after me - there's a dog photographer who roams NYC's dog parks and has snapped pics of Perry. A few months ago, he apparently took some surreptitious pics of Perry doing his thang at the Tompkins Sq. dog park, and one day I was walking with Perry in Union Square and this guy runs up to me, asks me if Perry usually goes to Tompkins Sq. park and if he usually wears a black coat. I was like, "um, why" and then he said that he just take pictures of dogs with a zoom lens and posts it without the owner’s permission on his blog. I can assure you it was in no way alarming whatsoever. Anyway - check out the pictures - this was a particularly pompadoury haircut of Perry's - it's usually not that Mozart-esque.

Transcript of Bachelor Finale Coverage

Well, Jason is a monster. To read commentary detailing his transformation from loveable loser to demon from hell, click on the transcript of my live blogging session below and hit the down arrow to scroll through.

LiveBlogging The Bachelor Finale TONIGHT 8 PM EST

As everybody knows, tonight is the two hour season finale of The Bachelor, followed immediately by a one hour "After The Final Rose" show in which Molly and DeAnna will demand answers and cry, and Jason will just say that "he didn't think he could go all the way" and that his "connection was stronger" with Melissa. I am well aware that this show will be history in the making - which is why I've decided to make my OWN history and Live Blog this episode. Check back here starting at 8pm, and you'll be able to see me providing very insightful commentary on what promises to be the Most Romantic Proposal In Bachelor History. Readers, will you accept THIS ROSE?

Countdown to Being Discovered: Day 1

Many people have asked me what I'm doing to prepare for the America's Next Top Model Auditions, which take place on March 14 in NYC. You may recall that for the upcoming "cycle" of the show, they're casting women under 5'7," which is perfect for me because I'm exactly 7 inches shorter than the maximum height requirement. To increase my chances of getting on the show, I've scoured the internets and found this Q&A with the casting director, who urges women to leave their wigs at home and show up in tank tops and jeans and very little makeup. I got the sense from the interview that they're looking for natural beauties like myself, so I've devised a two week plan to get myself in top condition for the audition. Accordingly, every day until March 14th I'm going to post what I'm doing that day in order to prepare myself for what can only be described as certain fame and fortune.

Alright, here it goes:

March 2, 2009: Today I thought about going to the gym but ultimately decided against it.