Sophie's Choice

This weekend I saw my friend Milan for the first time in like 6 months which is good because I like him and doubly good because he always gives me an honest evaluation of how I look. Last time he told me I was getting fat, which expedited Operation: Facial Deflation 2007 which put shit back into place. This time he told me I looked skinny, but asked me where the hell my boobs went. His comment brings into high relief Sophie's Choice. Just like Meryl Streep had to make the heart wrenching decision between saving her son or her daughter, I must make the terrible decision of either being jacked and thin with smaller boobs, or being fatter with bigger boobs. Look slamming in my size 25 jeans with padded bras or pour Crisco into my size 25 jeans and wear them as a wet suit, but have bodacious breastaculars?

Every day I struggle with this decision and wonder if I am making the right choice to be thinner and less breastaculared, and this is EXACTLY why people in Hollywood get implants, so they don't have to choose between buffosity and boobs. The same thing happened to Jessica Simpson - earlier in her career she had ginormous real boobs and then she had to lose weight in order to become famous and obviously her boobs went out the window so she had to get implants to beef that shit up. I once told my friend Chris about this struggle in law school and he said the obvious answer was fatter with bigger boobs, but he's really into boobs so that doesn't count.