Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Davy Jones' Locker
Occasionally I have harebrained schemes, which have historically included quitting my job, taking tap dancing lessons, joining the NY Roadrunners, taking a stand-up comedy class, simultaneously putting up profiles on JDate, Match.com and Eharmony to cover all my bases, firing my shrink and doing a share in Fire Island. The latest of these fantastic ideas was going on a one day whitewater rafting trip down through Outdoor Bound this past Sunday on the Delaware River. Below, I list in chronological order the ways in which this trip was an unmitigated disaster:
1. Aliza and I roll up at 8am to the bus on the UWS. Someone scurries up to us wearing a pin that says "Meet Market Adventures: Where Singles and Adventure Meet" and reveals that Outdoor Bound has secretly partnered with Meet Market Adventures and both groups would be going on the trip together. I spend the rest of the trip explaining to my fellow travelers that it's actually humiliating to be tricked into going on a singles trip when I was just innocently trying to do some whitewater rafting and had no interest in meeting anyone and how dare they assume I was single that someone would be paying dearly for this insult.
2. As could be predicted from any NY singles event, the ratio of men to women was approximately 1:37. One of the guys took a liking to me due to my exxxtreme beauty and basically followed me and Aliza around the entire time, getting in our boat, eating lunch with us and generally being a highly annoying ugly loser who admitted to going on a singles Outdoor Bound trip the previous weekend because he apparently had no friends.
3. At some point prior to the trip I lost my mind and thought the Delaware might have decent rapids because Outdoor Bound said that July 4th weekend was a "dam release" weekend, meaning they open some dam on Friday somewhere and this magically results in Class XVIIII rapids on Sunday. In a surprising turn of events, rafting the mighty Delaware was like rafting in a bottle of Dasani and I could pretty much make equivalent rapids in my bathtub.
4. The trip back into NYC took 3 hours and we sat in bumper to bumper traffic because everyone goes away for the bragging rights of "getting out of the city" and boasting about how relaxing and amazing it is to spend 8 hours driving both ways because the second you leave NYC the air is 1000% cleaner and all your cares just melt away.