Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Legitimacy of Spanx

About a year ago, I was shopping with my friend Jen in Bloomingdales and she said had to pick up some "Spanx." I had no idea what Spanx were, but she promised me I would swear by them once I tried. So we rolled up to the lingere section and she picked up this neon box with a cartoon of some savy single lady on it, and she pulled out a pair of nude biker shorts that resemble the control top of pantyhose. Wear these under dresses, she enticed me, and you will instantly look 5 pounds thinner. At this point I would like to point out that Spanx, however cleverly marketed or cool sounding the name, are pretty much girdles. You wear them under clothes to look less obese and to fool people into thinking you're thinner than you are.

For a long time I was opposed to Spanx, the theory being that if you're too fat to wear a skirt, time to hit the gymnasio instead of sclathing yourself into fat compressing undergarments. However, as my desk job took its toll on my ass which is still 100% slamming FYI, I foolishly decided what could be the harm in trying these "cool" girdles if they would take me from a 10 to a 10.5. After all, it's just another layer of trickery in my bag of deception - makeup, nosejob, pushup bra, teeth whitening, etc., so what's the harm in another lie.

Unfortunately, the main problem with Spanx is that when I've historically gotten drunk and made out with someone, I've been too drunk to remove the Spanx prior to said makeout session, so if the Spanx are discovered, I have to launch into the whole story of how Spanx are just modified girdles, and that I was technically supposed to take them off prior to the makeout but I forgot so if all parties could just move on and pretend that I was in fact not wearing a girdle it would be greatly appreciated.


Jenna said...

Spanx remind me of magical Mormon underwear.

Jennifer said...

You are so susceptible to my powers of persuasion. FYI, I think Leggs makes a better/cheaper version but wearing them for too long could lead to fainting ... at one's law firm desk.