Sunday, December 7, 2008

Proposed Economic Fallback Plans

Diamonds on my wall

As you may know, I am a big fan of get rich quick schemes, pyramid schemes, ponsi schemes and schemes in general. My attempts to acquire employment have thus far been thwarted in this "economy" so I was brainstorming on ways to make boatloads of money that do not involve me actually working. Here are just a few of my ideas, if you can even believe that I have more where these came from. Do NOT steal them.

1. Opening a petting zoo, with Perry has the main/only attraction. $10 entrance fee, $5 per each pet.
2. Scraping the Swarovski crystals that are on the wallpaper that Oprah gave me, and selling them as diamonds on Canal Street.
3. Going to every Duane Reade in the city, and opening every Secret Flawless deodorant to find the fake sequin hidden under the cap, which is redeemable for a 1 carat "flawless" diamond, which I will then sell for ice cold cash.
4. Plastic surgery consultant, whereby if you think someone has had plastic surgery but are too afraid to confront them about it, contact me and I will provided a detailed analysis of likely plastic surgeries, along with percentage of likelihood breakdown and name of probable surgeon.
5. Personality/dating analysis, whereby I meet you and tell you the truth about why you're still single.


rachsky said...

How much does number 5 cost, and how soon can such a procedure be done?

subdividedkid said...

if you did number 5, I'd go into business with you. You could take all the profit. I'd just like the opportunity to speak my mind.

and i'd open up a large gay cliental network.

you gotta start somewhere...

WTFHappenedToMyCity said...

Sign me up for number 5. I'd like to let my jdate account lapse for a while. I can't wait to meet my next ex girlfriend.