Friday, January 9, 2009
Not Acceptable - Mantyhose
As a woman living in NY, is it my duty to perpetrate any and all deceptions to increase my beauty by any means necessary. This includes, but is not limited to: deprunifying my chin via Botox, dyeing my hair, wearing contacts, artfully coloring in my eyebrows, availing myself of latest advances alchemy and unsubstantiated science by using eye creams made of the Youth Molecule TM, whitening my teeth, paying someone $8,000 to break my nose, wearing push-up bras when called for by the situation, and of course, donning Spanx at all times.
One of the nice things is that despite me doing all this, people treat me normally and even sometimes act like I'm attractive and overlook this giant mirage. However, if the tables were turned and I found that the guy I was dating was, I don't know, WEARING SPANX, there would be hell to pay. First of all, CREEPY. Second of all, a man wearing Spanx is potentially THE most unmanly thing I've ever heard of besides To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Love, Julie Newmar. And yet, according to this article, the demand for "Mantyhose" is on the rise by non-cross-dressing men. At this point, I would like to declare that if I ever, EVER made out with a guy and then it was revealed that he was wearing mantyhose, I would stop, drop and roll out of the room and call a parent or a trusted friend. The bottom line is that I'm the one that's supposed to be using girdles to hide my fat and there just can't be two people in a relationship lying to each other about their bodies. The way relationships work is that the girl gets to lie and the guy has to be deceived and then act casual about it. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it needs to be, because frankly I can't go on if guys start wearing mantyhose. I cannot go on.