Things I Will Do When I'm Disgustingly Rich

Since I apparently talk about gold and riches so much, someone recently asked me what I would actually do if and WHEN I get my hands on such money. Below I have included a list of things I will do when I am repulsively wealthy:

1. Quit my job - any one that I am working at the moment

2. Commission an oil painting of Perry from the finest painter in the land

3. Furnish a room entirely of gold

4. Buy an estate next door to Bono so I can watch him with binoculars

5. Free all the animals in captivity everywhere

6. Take out a full page ad in my hometown's local newspaper and write "I am very rich and you live in Hoboken - hahaha" and address it to high school tormentors

7. Hire someone to work out for me while I eat gummy worms on a chaise lounge

8. Punish the wicked

9. Pay off Megan's student loans

10. Get a secondary rhinoplasty from Dr. Raj Kanodia on Dr. 90210 who, according to his receptionist, doesn't do secondary rhinoplasties, but that is a lie because he did Jennifer Aniston's and Cameron Diaz's

11. Make them do a Rock of Love 3

12. Pay rent on my apartment for the next 25 years so they stop kicking me out

13. Purchase a mausoleum for myself and Perry to be maintained in perpetuity

14. Devote 100% of my time to looking for the fountain of youth

15. Pay someone who will reveal to me the secrets of the Vatican

16. Create a town devoted to Bedlingtons, which will be a sanctuary for underprivileged or homeless Bedlingtons