The Legitimacy of Spanx - Amendment

Um, just to clarify on the previous post, you don't necessarily have to be naked in order for people to see your Spanx. This girl in my practice group was sitting down at a lunch the other day and I saw them, and neither of us were naked, but I couldn't say anything because we aren't that close and she might have gotten offended.

The Legitimacy of Spanx

About a year ago, I was shopping with my friend Jen in Bloomingdales and she said had to pick up some "Spanx." I had no idea what Spanx were, but she promised me I would swear by them once I tried. So we rolled up to the lingere section and she picked up this neon box with a cartoon of some savy single lady on it, and she pulled out a pair of nude biker shorts that resemble the control top of pantyhose. Wear these under dresses, she enticed me, and you will instantly look 5 pounds thinner. At this point I would like to point out that Spanx, however cleverly marketed or cool sounding the name, are pretty much girdles. You wear them under clothes to look less obese and to fool people into thinking you're thinner than you are.

For a long time I was opposed to Spanx, the theory being that if you're too fat to wear a skirt, time to hit the gymnasio instead of sclathing yourself into fat compressing undergarments. However, as my desk job took its toll on my ass which is still 100% slamming FYI, I foolishly decided what could be the harm in trying these "cool" girdles if they would take me from a 10 to a 10.5. After all, it's just another layer of trickery in my bag of deception - makeup, nosejob, pushup bra, teeth whitening, etc., so what's the harm in another lie.

Unfortunately, the main problem with Spanx is that when I've historically gotten drunk and made out with someone, I've been too drunk to remove the Spanx prior to said makeout session, so if the Spanx are discovered, I have to launch into the whole story of how Spanx are just modified girdles, and that I was technically supposed to take them off prior to the makeout but I forgot so if all parties could just move on and pretend that I was in fact not wearing a girdle it would be greatly appreciated.

Group Classes = No

Ugh, so yesterday I had to trick myself into going to the gym by going to one of these corny Equinox fitness classes. I normally never go to group classes because, among other things, they are held in a glass room where everyone on the actual equipment watches you and secretly mocks you sweating to the oldies, but mostly because they also have ridiculous names like PowerStruggle or Booty Camp or Powerflow Sculpting. So anyway, I roll up to this class and I immediately regret it when the instructor on one of those 1-800-Dentists headsets tells us to get "bodybars" and step aerobic steps which are pretty much the lamest and most embarrassing equipment possible, except for the "bosu ball." So I got all the most hardcore equipment (the 10 lb weights, the 18 lb body bar and seven cagrillion "lifts" for the step) due to the fact that I'm a hardcore player with 100% game.

So the instructor blasts some remix of C+C Music Factory song, and pretty much within 10 minutes sweat is pouring off my face and I'm dying and then I remember exactly why I never take group classes, which is because essentially you are a prisoner there for 1 hour. The instructor always says that we should drink as much water and take as many breaks as we need, but if you walk out the class early everyone judges you and sometimes the instructor COMES UP TO YOU and asks you if you're feeling ok and then you have to explain that you're actually just a fatass and you can't do five minutes of jazzercise without having a heart attack.

So pretty much these group classes just end up being an internal debate between what is more painful - doing this class for one hour or leaving early and dealing with the humiliation of people staring and then talking about it after. My tentative solution to this, which I once pulled in a Spinning class 3 years ago, was that I made a big scene like I was straining to see the clock, acted horrified and confused like I was late for something and immediately jumped off the bike and ran out of there, glancing at my watch the entire time, thereby getting myself out of the class early without incurring the mockery of my fellow classmates. This excuse is actually genius and I remember bragging about it for at least a week.

I Repulse Myself, Again

The Defense rests

So on Friday Megan and I went to our favorite disgusting Mexican food restaurant, Amanecer, which is the perfect place to go if you want to eat delicious but gross cheese enchilladas served by the same waitress who never smiles and ignores repeated requests for water, and to drink the most lethal margaritas known to mankind. Seriously - you drink one, and you are crawling home. So we're drinking our first round of margaritas and I'm already drunk as a skunk and then I decide it would be a great idea to have another one immediately. So I drink the second margarita and I am showing all the classic signs of drunkenness: a) constantly denying I'm drunk, b) repeating stories 30 times, c) bitching about my nosejob and d) declaring my love for Perry and how, if he ever dies which he luckily never will, I will drive to the nearest graveyard, dig myself a grave and jump in.

Megan is historically familiar with the signs of my drunkenness, but instead of being a good friend and telling me it was a bad idea to go into the convenience store across the street from Amanecer to buy chocolate, she accompanied in there and acted like it was completely normal when I rolled up to the counter with NUTELLA AND VANILLA WAFERS. Um, are you KIDDING ME? Why don't people stop me? Why, every time when I'm drunk, do I always end up eating something disgusting that I would never eat in normal life - like last weekend it was garlic knots, Haribo gummy bears and a HEATH BAR, and the weekend before it was yogurt covered raisins and Cool Whip. It is other peoples' job to stop me from doing this shit, and if people don't start doing their job, there are going to be some changes around here very soon.

Little People, Big World

Aliza gchatted me today and said she was embarrassed to admit it but she found some cute stuff in the Ann Taylor petite section. I told her that it was ok, sometimes Ann Taylor Petites had cute stuff and in fact today I am wearing a skirt from there, but as I was typing this to her, I realized the horror of my words and just how dire the situation had become that I was justifying myself or any family member shopping at Ann Taylor. I'm sorry, but no decent human being should ever have to shop at Ann Taylor just to find clothes that fit.

Sadly, racism against petites is one of the last acceptable forms of bigotry out there, as stores make all their clothing to fit giants and nothing to fit midgets. Even when certain clothing lines do make size 0, there are apparently several anorexic girls in NYC who go around stealing all my shit so that by the time I show up there are only sizes 4 and 8 left, and unless I want to look shipwrecked, that shit is not fitting.

People usually tell me to "stop complaining about being not being able to find a 0" but you know what, it's actually a real problem because I am not the Emperor of Siam and I can't just have artisans make me clothing out of the finest silks in Cathay, I have to buy shit off the rank and then get it hemmed. I once went shopping with Emily who didn't believe me that I couldn't find anything that fit and after like 7 hours of trying on clown pants she finally agreed with me.

The Starbucksification of the Bay Area

On Wednesday while walking to the subway en route to work, there was a crowd of people outside of the Starbucks on Astor Place. There were police blockades and a barrista guy in the green apron trying to control the crowd, while another barrista guy took pictures of people in the crowd smiling and holding up drinks. Later that day, I discovered from the Elevator Captive Network, which, once again, tells me all the news I care about, that Starbucks was introducing two new drink lines, and test driving them in certain Starbucks locations. I think the bottom line here is that there are apparently people corny enough in the world to actually line up outside of Starbucks to try new drinks, like it was a rock concert or they were giving away gold. This is unacceptable. Are people disgusting?

Every time I go to Starbucks to get coffee, I am completely horrified that people order repulsive whipped cream topped liquid chocolate drinks and pretend like it's perfectly ok and not disgusting at all to be ordering dessert at like 9am in the morning and try to trick themselves into thinking it's just coffee. ONCE, in college, I ordered a caramel frapuccino by accident because I had never had one before and within 15 minutes there was a explosion in a toilet somewhere on the Upper West Side. I think it's safe to say that if it has whipped cream, icing, syrup, glaze or chocolate morsels in it, it's not for breakfast and people need to get with this program.

P.S. Some guy I dated in college who was an idiot but sexxxy wrote a thesis entitled "The Starbucksification of the Bay Area" which was 12 pages long and included a picture of him and his brother on news years eve. HAHAHHAHHAHAHHH

Status Ch-ch-ch-changes

I think it's pretty safe to say that I spend approximately 97% of my time at work refreshing my browser on Gmail and Facebook, which is critical in case someone gchats me with a dress I should buy or someone on Facebook that I haven't spoken to in 15 years updates their away message letting me know that they are drinking coffee. Yesterday while refreshing Facebook, I noticed that this girl I went to high school with updated her status from "single" to "in a relationship." A few months ago, she went from being "in a relationship" to being "single" so while it's good to hear that she picked up the pieces of her shattered heart and found somebody new, I find it 100% ridiculous that people update their status. Obviously nobody updates their status to "in a relationship" because they want to ward off the throngs of random strangers from the Philippines who hit on them, they do it simply to boast while pretending to be casual about it. Like this girl wants people to think that she's been in a relationship for ages and it just miraculously occurred to her this morning to nonchalantly change her status when in fact she obviously just had the Facebook relationship status talk with this person last night and confirmed that they are in fact in a relationship and then she raced home to change that shit in order to brag.

I'm onto these dirty tricks and frankly it's ridiculous because you know what, I was dating someone for 6 months and people asked me why I wasn't changing my Facebook status ASAP and the answer was because I didn't want to be obviously bragging about it in a corny way on Facebook, it's actually technically cooler to NEVER update my profile with the theory being that legitimately cool people and don't spend their days on these lame online networking sites so it wouldn't even OCCUR to me to be changing that shit because I never even check my profile and I have better things to do with my time like go to gallery exhibits and live shows of The Zutons or Neutral Milk Hotel. So if people could stop pretending to be casual about these status changes and just update their away message to "bragging about new relationship" and stop wasting everyone's time with trying to be coy that would be great thanks.