Sunday, May 4, 2008

Group Classes = No

Ugh, so yesterday I had to trick myself into going to the gym by going to one of these corny Equinox fitness classes. I normally never go to group classes because, among other things, they are held in a glass room where everyone on the actual equipment watches you and secretly mocks you sweating to the oldies, but mostly because they also have ridiculous names like PowerStruggle or Booty Camp or Powerflow Sculpting. So anyway, I roll up to this class and I immediately regret it when the instructor on one of those 1-800-Dentists headsets tells us to get "bodybars" and step aerobic steps which are pretty much the lamest and most embarrassing equipment possible, except for the "bosu ball." So I got all the most hardcore equipment (the 10 lb weights, the 18 lb body bar and seven cagrillion "lifts" for the step) due to the fact that I'm a hardcore player with 100% game.

So the instructor blasts some remix of C+C Music Factory song, and pretty much within 10 minutes sweat is pouring off my face and I'm dying and then I remember exactly why I never take group classes, which is because essentially you are a prisoner there for 1 hour. The instructor always says that we should drink as much water and take as many breaks as we need, but if you walk out the class early everyone judges you and sometimes the instructor COMES UP TO YOU and asks you if you're feeling ok and then you have to explain that you're actually just a fatass and you can't do five minutes of jazzercise without having a heart attack.

So pretty much these group classes just end up being an internal debate between what is more painful - doing this class for one hour or leaving early and dealing with the humiliation of people staring and then talking about it after. My tentative solution to this, which I once pulled in a Spinning class 3 years ago, was that I made a big scene like I was straining to see the clock, acted horrified and confused like I was late for something and immediately jumped off the bike and ran out of there, glancing at my watch the entire time, thereby getting myself out of the class early without incurring the mockery of my fellow classmates. This excuse is actually genius and I remember bragging about it for at least a week.


Chris said...

When are you going to put up advertisements on your blog so you can start making money on this thing? Come on, get with the program . . . you need to monetize this.

The latest sign that Armageddon is upon is was overheard a couple tables down in an SF Thai restaurant recently: "But nobody has yet monetized homelessness online."

Sell! Sell! Sell!

Sean said...

Oh man, I love group classes and being the only guy in a room full of predominately middle-aged women. I really miss my kickboxing class. JAB CROSS