Living in Narnia's 1 Year Anniversary

That's right, one year ago today, I stopped containing my bitterness and annoyance and started writing about it on the internet. On this blog, to be exact. It's hard to believe it was a year ago, mainly because every year I expect something amazing to happen that puts me in a wildly different place than I was during the prior year, and every year I become increasingly panicked that I am closer to being 30 with absolutely nothing to show for it except a slammin' body and bitchin' face. I actually hate anniversaries generally speaking, because the last time I was dating someone for a year I received a SpongeBob Squarepants watch from K-Mart as an anniversary gift in lieu of the diamond stud earrings that I had selected for myself and requested via telepathy. We broke up shortly thereafter.

On a "serious" note, I just wanted to thank you for reading. I "struggle" with "depression" and getting a random "thanks for writing" email or a comment letting me know that someone is out there agreeing with me about The Bachelor really helps. As does fish oil.


Highlights of the year include being picked up by Racked, CNN and Awful Plastic Surgery. I am especially proud of the Awful Plastic Surgery mention, for obvious reasons. Anyway, I'm happy that I've been able to give a voice to the bitter, disenfranchised people that I know exist out there. The people who are not willing to accept mandals. The people who are angry when boring political programming interrupts critical shows and become infuriated when Tim Russert is treated like a fallen hero for simply having a heart attack at his desk and dying. The people who yearn for an official ranking of candy bars based on deliciousness and who believe in their hearts that Nights in Rodanthe has ruined their lives. I am proud to speak on behalf of those 327 unique people (according to Sitemeter), and I look forward to the day when I am paid for doing so.

Bachelor Spinoff With Fat People A Horrible Idea To Put It Mildly

Prince Lorenzo Borghese will not be on the show

I just read the terrifying news on People that The Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss is collaborating on a Bachelor-esque show called "More to Love" which will feature a fat "Kevin James-like" bachelor and "average" women vying for him. Why would anybody watch a show about hideous monsters when there are plenty of other shows that feature goodlooking people?If I wanted to see ugly women or revolting men, I would just step outside my apartment or walk around the block a few times. The point of tv is to make fun of better looking and more in shape people in order to feel better about yourself; if people are uglier and fatter than me then how am I supposed to tear them down and what will happen to my self-confidence? I don't even want to think about that - too disturbing.

What's even MORE ridiculous is that People and Mike Fleiss do not seem to realize that this EXACT show has already been on tv. Nice try, but it was called "Average Joe" and the bachelor was Adam Mesh. Last year I actually ran into Adam Mesh at Canyon Road on the Upper East Side as I was waiting to consume margaritas at their fine establishment, and I told him "you're not average to me" which is true becuase he is actually worse than average and bears an alarming resemblance to David Gest. In any event, the girls on Average Joe were sad sacks themselves - dumpy, in need of nosejobs, etc. - and because the show had to limit the hottub scenes due to the fact that nobody wanted to see that stuff, it was not renewed for another season. All I have to say is thank god for small miracles because More or Less show will be on Fox, meaning that nobody will be watching it, except for myself purely for anthropological study purposes.

P.S. Wait for me Lorenzo

Movie Review: Milk Does a Body Terrible

This weekend I had the misfortune of watching Milk on demand, because I had already watched The Duchess and if you think I'm going to waste my time watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona or Rachel Getting Married, you're living in Narnia. In retrospect I should have just watched Trading Place for the 578th time on Bravo because Milk was a piece of shit. It was boring, long, shot terribly and spliced with 70s footage, the dialogue was cringe-worthy, the opera symbolism was ridiculous and stolen directly from Amadeus and there was no point of that guy from Minnesota in a wheelchair who kept on calling and annoying Milk when he was in the middle of doing something important. I asked out loud at least 4 times if this movie was a joke and that is never a good sign. Below is a list of the characters in the movie that could have been cut out and the movie would have been better:

1. Kid in the wheelchair from Minnesota - served no purpose other than corniness
2. Josh Brolin
3. Jack the annoying lover - very annoying
4. Scott the ex-lover
5. Harvey Milk - annoying
6. Victor Garber - needless character that was included only because Victor Garber likes to appear in every movie ever made but should have just stopped at Legally Blonde
7. Cleve Jones - no point in him
8. Guy who was crying with the candle in the last scene who kind of looks like James Franco

Explaining My Situation

My office

I am called on to explain "what I do" probably more often than most people, because I seemingly do nothing all day, and people like to try to embarrass me by calling me out on it, which is always ineffective because they are unaware of the contents of my ING Savings account which is very large indeed. When people have a vague sense of "what I do" - they know that I "write" for a "living" - they then try to insert some kind of condescension into their line of questioning. This usually take the form of people saying, "How are your blogs doing?" or "How's the blogging coming?" which is meant to insult me, because seriously how am I supposed to respond to that shit? "My blogs are doing great! One went to the park the other day and the other one is tending to an ear infection." "Blogging is amazing...I love sitting at my desk every day and sending insane ramblings into outerspace for no money - you should try it!!!"

As you can see, there is no good way to respond to this where it looks like I am doing anything other than being a complete vagrant and am about to be homeless with a teabag hanging from my teeth. I actually ran into somebody I used to work with at my firm the other day. He was standing outside a bar smoking and LUCKILY I was coming back from a VERY IMPORTANT business meeting and had some makeup on and had been hitting the gymnasio extra hard that week and so when he asked me what I was doing now, at least I didn't look as if I had fall into physical disrepair as well as the mental disrepair that I clearly exhibited as I went rambling on excitedly about "freelancing" and "blogs" while he probably snickered internally.

I'm on ANTM, AS THREATENED

As threatened, I am on America's Next Top Model. Megan is also on ANTM. Yesterday, an episode aired where the models posed in a pose-off with Benny Ninja at Mansion in NYC. Megan somehow got me and her friend Dave invited and we were obviously seated directly behind Tyra's makeup artist (whom Megan said hello to) and were on camera because of our photogenic natures. Megan is the one with the red hair strangling herself, and I am immediately to her left, mostly blocked by some woman's head wrap, but mainly looking like an old bald man with no dentures. It was a fine day.

One of These Things is Not Like The Other

So it is apparently a slow week in celebrity news, because People features Valerie Bertinelli on the cover in a bikini. With the help of Jenny Craig, chicken cutlet bikini inserts, Mariah Carey's spray-on abs and contour tanning, the finest Photoshopping in the land and the "casual" contorted Jazz split she's doing on the cover, Valerie's body looks ridonk for 49. Unfortunately, someone may be losing their job very soon at People's photo editing department because they appear to have put Maria Shriver's shrive(r)led prune face on Valerie' body. What the hell happened?

Face Powder

Mine is not this color

It occurred to me this weekend as I was shalaquing (sp?) makeup on my face, that every pressed powder that I've ever bought smells like a combination of grandma underwear and tin foil. I'm currently using Lancome, which is vaguely an old lady brand, so I guess that smell is to be expected, but I've used MAC, Clinique and Cover Girl in the past, and they all have the same odor, with Cover Girl being the most tin-foily smelling of the bunch. It's disgusting and outrageous that these cosmetic companies are so large and successful and yet they're still wedded to olde tyme scents like dentist bib and wooden leg that were popular in the 1910s. Every time I apply my powder I end up holding my breath, which wouldn't be such a nuisance except for the fact that I have to reapply a zillion times a day because there's an oil rig located on my face, and whenever I hold my breath I can't go back to breathing normally right away because I'm conscious of my breath for the next few minutes. So, does anybody have a recommendation for a non-terrible smelling powder?