Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Planned Parenthood

The mighty have fallen

One of the bad things about not having health insurance is that when people talk about how they are sick - like have a cold, ear infection, eye infection or whatever, I become exceedingly paranoid that I will get sick and have to go to the emergency room and then be like, "um sorry guys, I might look like I have insurance but I actually don't" and then they'll give me penicillin and directions to the bankruptcy court so that I can immediately file for bankruptcy after receiving $20,000 worth of uninsured medical care. In any event, maybe it's because I watch reality shows exclusively, but during EVERY commercial break they're always talking about HPV and singing that jingle "I want to be one less, one less!" about how basically 80% of the population has HPV and of those 80%, 80% will develop cervical cancer, which has no signs or symptoms - one day you just die, randomly. So pretty much every day I have a heart attack that I have HPV and that I'm on the brink of death, which is made worse by the fact that when I was employed at my firm, I got the first installment of the vaccine, but I never got the second two installments because I kept on having to cancel my appointments because I had early morning conference calls and I couldn't exactly tell a client or the partners that I couldn't make the call because I was getting a shot against being slutty. And when I called to cancel my appointments, the nurse was always like, "you need to come in here as soon as possible" which made me even more paranoid, because what if vaccine #1 was a low-lying form of HPV, and vaccines #2 and 3 were the antidote, so by getting ONLY vaccine #1 I had basically affirmatively infected myself with HPV and on the straight and narrow path to cervical cancer.

I was complaining about this to the people at Salon Seven, and one of the stylists Leslie tells me that I should just call up planned parenthood and make an appointment. It sounded like an amazing idea, so I went to the website and tried to ascertain if I was poor enough to have my vagina inspected, but the site kept on giving me roundabout answers, like "financial assistance available" which is weird, because this shit's supposed to be free. Anyway, so I'm filling out all the info that they'll need for my ghetto appointment, like what is this visit for? check all that apply: a) abortion, b) morning after pill, c) contraceptives, d) pill, e) pill refill, f) STD battery of tests, g) sluttiness ascertainment analysis, g) annual exam and then I come across what is potentially the most hilarious question I have ever been asked by someone/something medical (besides when my old gynecologist was taking my medical history and asked me if I wore a BICYCLE HELMET while riding a bike). The question on the appointment form read as follows:

If we need to contact you at the number you provided above, whom should we say is calling? Check the box:

__Planned Parenthood
__Doctor's Office

HAHAHAHHAHAHA. I selected Cory, obviously. Genius. I can't wait for the appointment.

1 comment:

Milan said...

Come to Canada for a weekend and we'll hook you up with all the shots you can handle. FREE.