Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The True Cost of Dog Ownership

Picture of Perry during happier times

Um, yesterday I took Perry to the vet for the second time in two weeks to deal with his raging and incurable ear infection. You see, last week, when I was on vacation, Perry helped himself to both an ear infection AND a bacterial skin infection which resulted in AIDS lesions all over his skin and which requires that Perry and I awkwardly stand together in the shower for 10 minutes a day while I slather his fur with $34 antifungal shampoo, feed him grapes and then dry him with the gentle breezes of a palm frond and I pray that the police do not barge it at any moment and arrest me for bestiality.

So we rolled up to the vet and some how it was determined that Perry's current medicine regime was ineffective against the "rods" bacteria in his ear, and that I should only bathe him 3 times a week, throw away his other oral and ear drop medications and give him DIFFERENT more powerful antibiotics and a magical elixir mixed only at the Tribeca-Soho Animal hospital that was so rare and precious that I would have to come back next week to get a fresh batch, which was I was to put into his ear twice a day and hold it there for 5 minutes at a time and wash out his ears with special cleaning solution three times a day. They also informed that Perry was due for "all" of his 27 vaccinations, his heart worm test, "cytology" samples and various other made up Scientology procedures. The total cost for this was $353.60. Is that a fucking joke.

I then asked the vet if she thought it would be a good idea for me to quit my job and care for Perry's health full time and/or if she would be interested in renting Perry for a reasonable fee in order to cover the completely extortionate price of his medical care, and then she looked at me like I had ten heads and then I explained that I was joking, and that I was actually unemployed and so $353 was no big deal because I am made of money and despite the fact that I personally haven't seen a doctor in two years and have no health insurance, the most important thing was that Perry receive top notch medical care for his fleas and that he remain at all times covered under his ASPCA Platinum Advantage Pet Insurance plan.


Jenna said...

Are you telling us that Vincent D'Onofrio's dog is unclean?

Caitlin said...

please don't feed perry grapes they are toxic!

also -- save the receipts. then when you entertain, and guests look for somewhere to sit, usher them to the vet receipt on the floor. or a canape -- a silver tray laden with vet receipts never fails to please the most selective epicure.