Thursday, August 21, 2008

Emergency Update: I CALLED IT

Marin's coming for ya

This morning, Risa informed me, JUST AS I PREDICTED AND/OR PRAYED FOR, and as countless gchat conversations, emails, and regular conversations can attest, JASON MESNICK is going to be the new Bachelor. All I have to say is "told you so" to the people who believe that my tarot cards, crystal readings and diving rods are ineffective, because this is 100% proof that I CAN tell the future. At this point I would also like to go on the record by making several other predictions regarding the Jason Mesnick Bachelor season, including the following:

a) Jeremy, the personality-less cyborg DeAnna castoff bachelor will make a cameo midway through the season in order to "help Jason with his difficult decision." This cameo will also reveal that Jeremy is in a "happy and serious" relationship with a "great girl" and he hopes Jason will find love too;
b) "Ty," Jason's annoying son whom he refers to 24/7 will accompany Jason on half of the dates and at the end of the show, Jason will ask him which of the two remaining women he would want as "daddy's girlfriend" and Ty will pick the one that Jason ultimately will not pick, because the producers will have instructed Ty off-screen that the one that Jason ultimately does not pick owns toy AND candy stores and works in an amusement park, in an effort to surprise the viewers.
c) I will be auditioning for the show, and during the first cocktail hour prior to the first elimination, I will attempt to impress Jason by doing pushups, singing "Amazing Grace," directly in front of his face at full volume with the hopes that I'll get a recording contract from someone watching the show, bringing him a collage I've made of pictures of him since I first saw him on The Bachelorette, and talking about how I work as a Kindergarten teacher and love kids and can't WAIT to have some of my own. I will then cry hysterically when I get eliminated. Who's with me?

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