Monday, October 6, 2008

Tombstone Pizza


Yesterday was my grandfather's unveiling, which in Judaism is the ceremony that happens after someone has been dead for a year, you've waited an entire year to put in a tombstone, and so when you're finally ready for it to be revealed, you put a cape on it and then whip off the cape like a magic trick so that everyone can see the tombstone and then compliment it. In any event, so we were standing around the covered tombstone and then finally the rabbi ripped off the cape to reveal a giant tombstone with my family name on the top, WITH TWO PANELS ON IT SO THAT THERE WAS A BLANK SPACE LEFT FOR MY GRANDMOTHER.

That's right, the right side of the stone was filled up with stuff about my grandfather and then there was a completely blank panel on the left side, which is supposed to filled with the inscription for my grandmother when she dies, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE IS STILL ALIVE. So I'm standing there and everyone is mumbling that it's a beautiful monument and my grandmother is saying how nice it is and no one seemed to be in any way horrified or alarmed that apparently someone bought a monument that basically notifies my grandmother that she will be dying and that they've taken the liberty of reserving her a spot on the tombstone so that when she dies it won't be a problem at all because the tombstone is ready to go. This is absolutely unacceptable. If I went to my husband's unveiling and there was some space reserved for me, I actually might just grab a shovel and start digging my own grave because it would be clear that everyone wanted me to die, wanted to remind that I was going to die, and wanted to just let me know that they're weren't planning on "splurging" on the obelisk, mausoleum and paid mourners that say masses for me in perpetuity, all of which I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED. Because my grandmother is a dignified and regal woman, she didn't say anything about the blank panel, but let the record reflect that if I die and someone tries to get me a dual-panel tombstone, I was be 100% enraged and will be telling John Edward about it.

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