Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Operation Facial Deflation 2008

Follow the below plan and you too can look like this*

Faithful reader Jennie has requested a step by step guide on how to implement Operation Facial Deflation:

Can you please do a post on what you did step-by-step for Operation Facial Deflation 2007 as I am in need of doing the same to lose 15 pounds on my face by Jan. 1, including any products you used, how many times you worked out for how long, how much coffee you drank and any other weight loss aids? Thanks!

Er, 15 pounds by Thursday might be a little much, but nevertheless I will share my "weight loss secrets" that will take you from obese to extreme buffosity in just three painful weeks.

1. First of all, in terms of getting rid of bagel face, face exercises don't work so don't even both with that shit. I've tried chin-ups where you move your jaw back and forth and nose wiggling for 45 minutes while reading "Henry VIII and His Court" and I saw absolutely no improvements. I dealt with a raging case of bagel face for many, many years until I lost my baby fat about a year ago, which was exhilarating but also alarming because it signaled that I would likely need cheek implants within 10 years. In any event, if you have not lost your baby fat, that means you're going to have to go to the gym.

2. At the gym, I like to punish myself so I never want to go back. I run at 7.0 for 5 minutes, and then do "intervals" which is code for almost puking, at 4.0 for 1 minute, then 8.8 for 1.5 minutes, until I hit a total of 15 minutes on the treadmill, including the 5 minute "warm-up." I then pant like a jerk until one of the roving personal trainers at Equinox comes up to me and asks me if I'm ok. I then walk at an incline of 10.5 at 4.0 mph for 10 minutes, but you can't hold on to the treadmill or that ruins everything. I then do 15 minutes on the stepper at "level 10." Weights are three sets of "monster walks" with 5 lb weights, a bunch of useless arm exercises, and the squatting machine which I use for calves. In general I like to say that I go to the gym 4 times a week, but usually it's only 3, depending on whether I've eating thai food that week and am feeling particularly repulsive. I would say "do yoga" but people fall into the trap where they think they can do yoga exclusively and cut out the cardio, and I was also under this delusion for a while and it resulted in complete disaster.

3. In terms of diet, I was never good at this part. Breakfast is a zone bar and coffee, lunch is a yogurt and green apple, and I'm so hungry by dinner that all bets are off and I can't control myself and gorge on Caracas, thai food or other tasty delicious food. But if you're trying to lose weight, my advice is cut out all carbohydrates immediately and stop drinking for two weeks. I once tried to "detox" from alcohol for 3 weeks prior to taking an ID photo for something, and while it was a terrible, terrible experience, I was light as a goddamn feather and I avoided fat face in the picture.

4. Another excellent way to camouflage fat face is to grow your hair long, if it isn't already. Chin-length hair is pretty much a disaster if you have a round face as it will look like you just ate 15 donuts and 6 muffins at all times.

5. There are no creams or potions that I know of that are supposed to be rubbed on the body that do anything whatsoever. Supposedly spray tanning makes you look thinner, but it also has the effect of making you looking 100% ridiculous and corny and directly from Staten Island.

I hope this helps and good luck. We're all counting on you.

*nose and chin not included


Jennie said...

Thanks! This sounds seriously painful but so worth it. Hope you have a great new year!

Michelle said...

Does this mean no fruit and no vegetables?

Sigh. I should have started this a month and a half ago, on Jan. 1!