J. Crew'd

Sleeves not included

I just called J. Crew to ask them what the difference was between the Petite Kelly shirt and the Petite Slim Stretch shirt because for the life of me, I couldn't tell the difference. You would think Kelly would be fat fit, with no stretch, but that is not the case, as in the description it describes itself as "slim fit" with a "hint of stretch." They come in the same colors, and though one says it hits at the "high hip" and one says its "below the hip,"neither of these descriptions make any sense due to the fact that there is no such thing as different areas on the hip and J. Crew needs to give me a break. The only difference is that Kelly costs $54, and Slim Stretch costs $59.50, and before I go spending $5.50 extra in this economy, I want to be damn sure that the Slim Stretch has a diamond lining and is made with the silk of beetles from Siam whereas the Kelly shirt does not.

In any event, so I'm on the phone with "Carole" and we go over the two shirts for a few minutes and finally she says "they look the same to me, let me ask my manager" so I'm waiting on hold listening to some advertisement asking me if I knew that J. Crew now has yoga loungewear which I was actually unaware of and thus found helpful, and then Carole comes back on and tells me that the Slim Stretch shirt has long sleeves and the Kelly shirt has 3/4 sleeves. I then ask Carole if J. Crew is offering to sell me 3/4 of a shirt for $54, and holding the last 1/4 of the shirt for ransom at the asking price of $5.50 and she said "I wouldn't call it ransom, but the sleeves are extra" and I said that that given the complete lunacy of this notion, unfortunately I would be unable to purchase either the 3/4 pirate shirt or pay their king's ransom of $59.50 for the entire shirt because I have a strict policy against extortion and kidnappings.