Worst Ways To Die

Not great

My parents came in for brunch yesterday and naturally the topic of worst ways to die came up. Actually my mom mentioned Tuesdays With Morrie as being a great book, and then Aliza and I started talking about The Five Jerks You Meet On Earth, which is a hilarious parody of Mitch Albom's abdundantly corny and manipulative tear-jerker book, The Five People You Meet In Heaven. We then started talking about ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and how that's a bad way to die, and I mentioned that I was recently wondering whether dead people feel hot when they're being creamated, to which my mom said no, to which I responded that nobody could ever know for sure unless they were creamated.

In any event, I contended that the number one worst way to die, excluding diseases, is by being lit on fire. Being lit on fire is the worst because it would be like being outside on the hottest day of the year with 100% humidity and no shade and no water, in addition to the pain of being on fire. So basically you would not only die, but you would die in a bad mood. Aliza maintained that drowning is far worse because you're struggling for breath, but I think we can all agree drowning is better because at least you're in cool water and you're not sweating AND dying, which is the worst of all possible words. L.G. then contended that plane crashes trumped both being on fire and drowning because it involves realizing you're going to die seconds before you actually die AS WELL AS being lit on fire, at which point my parents agreed with him and Aliza and I were forced to concede that plane crashes were pretty bad. L.G. later recanted his position and said that he read somewhere that being skinned alive was actually worse than plane crashes, but this is clearly false.