Pears Soap

Bathtub Gin

A few weeks ago, I ran out of my Dove Sensitive soap and I got excited because I was looking forward to spending 20 minutes in the soap aisle at my deli, judging soap by its packaging and then buying a new brand that would revolutionize my life. So after it came down to Dr. Bronner's organic soaps that have packaging with lots of medicinal looking writing on it that would make for excellent shower reading and Pears soap, I went with Pears because once this salesperson at EMS who was helping me pick wicking tshirts told me that she wears her clothes for a week a time and then washes them in Dr. Bronners, which is made of out of corny ingredients like "lavender" "hemp" and "tea tree oil" that should only be used if you're on tour with Phish and make your own clothing. In any event, Pears is transparent and I pretty much raced home to take a shower.

Not surprisingly I chose incorrectly, because while Pears IS in fact transparent, the smell is completely repulsive. It smells EXACTLY like freshly cleaned dental instruments and is so gross that I have to breathe through my mouth when using it and then rewash myself in all areas infected with the Pears soap by using Cinnamon Bun flavor Philosophy body wash. I googled Pears to see why the soap was so shitty, and apparently Pears began in the 1700s and they haven't changed the recipe since then, which explains why it smells like a wooden leg. Even worse, the soap is "especially long lasting" which means that I will now be stuck with this Ben Franklin soap for at least 2 months, and if you're wondering why I don't just throw it away and get a new soap, it's because some of us are actually not millionaires and can't afford to just throw $2.75 out the window every time we don't like the smell of something.