Tuesday, June 10, 2008

"Beat the Heat"

On the Taxi Cab Network, which is basically the Elevator Captive Network for people without jobs, they had a corny segment on ways to "beat the heat" this summer. While this report may seem timely because the sun has relocated to 1 mile from the earth these days, they have this same annoying segment every year (along with the hilarious shark attack segment) and I never have any idea what they're talking about. Like do they mean that I should beat the heat by not succumbing to it and dying, or beat it in the Michael Jackson sense by rumbling in a parking garage and then running away when people start singing, or should I should open my door, walk outside and physically punch the heat out.

Apparently the newscasters themselves don't actually know what they're talking about because instead of telling people to do obvious things to keep themselves cool like turn off their heaters and stop pouring KY warming liquid all over themselves, they come up with the most worst ideas I've ever heard in order to "keep cool." For instance, during a heat wave, they suggest that senior citizens should contact their relatives and friends at least twice a day, because calling people and pestering them lowers temperatures by at least 30 degrees. People should also check on neighbors who live alone, ostensibly to make sure they are sweating just as much as the rest of us and aren't secretly harboring an industrial size A/C. My recommendation here is that they should just can it with these beat the heat segments and until they install an air conditioned dome over NYC which was my idea all along they need to stop wasting everyone's time with lame ways to not be hot when it's actually 10,000 degrees out.

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