Friday, June 20, 2008
Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse
A few days ago I was in Salon Seven and I picked up a copy of Us magazine, where I get all my news. Well, it appears I spoke too soon about the Rapture being ridiculous or the presidential candidates appearing on WWE Raw being the final sign of the apocalypse because the cover of Us features Obama and his wife with the lead article entitled "Why Barack Loves Her" and now it is 100% clear that I should proceed with my plans to immediately build an ark because the Great Flood will be arriving shortly. Besides the fact that they need to stop ruining my celebrity magazines by including boring politics, one of two things is happening here:
1) Obama is trying to get the vote of Us magazine readers (women bored at work, waiting for pedicures to dry, sitting at a salon for 10 hours getting highlights) by being "real" and revealing that his wife is Just Like Us! because she shops at Target, and LOVES Sex and the City and is addicted to Fergie's summer beach body butt blasting routine of 75 lunges and no food. While it's great that he's not wasting my time talking about oil prices, the war somewhere or other snooze alert topics, the problem with this tactic is that Obama is barking up the wrong tree because no one who reads Us votes or cares.
2) The other, more alarming possibility is that Birnam Wood has come to Dunsinane, the world has finally stepped through the wardrobe and Us, In Touch, and the Enquirer will now be reporting on politics. Jessica's Secret Pain will be reported alongside the presidential elections, the debates will be held on Cartoon Express, we will cast our votes via text messages to Ryan Seacrest where standard rates apply, and the world will end shortly thereafter because no one will be able to go on living where everything is completely unacceptable.