Sunday, June 1, 2008

World Premiere Exclusive


Since I quit my job and am now less rich than I was before but am still exceedingly rich, I decided that yesterday when I was hungry I would do something known as "cook." I have done this once before in Philadelphia when I spent an entire day trying to make tofu lasagna to impress the person I was dating at the time in order to make it appear that I would make a good wife and mother, but the tofu liquefied because apparently I bought the "wrong" tofu. Anyway, after this guy ate the tofu, he didn't immediately compliment my cooking and I became enraged and vowed never to cook again because there's no point in cooking for other people unless they tell you it was the greatest meal of their lives. But the general idea with cooking is that you're supposed to buy the groceries, bring them back to your apartment, put them away, take them out, figure out ways to cook them, cook them, eat them, and then clean up afterwards and do dishes and then brag to everyone that you are "cooking for yourself" these days because you "enjoy it." Frankly, god would not have invented restaurants if he wanted people to cook.

Anyway, so yesterday I cooked eggs that may or may not have expired in January, and they were disgusting and now the pan is sitting in the sink and I am hopeful that it will either wash itself or Megan or Jen will come over and be disgusted by it and wash it for me because there is basically no way I am spending time washing that shit when I have other things to be doing like monitoring my credit score. I have an idea - instead of me doing all the heavy lifting with this intricate egg cooking, why can't Perry to do the dishes and make himself useful for once and start contributing to this household instead of just taking my money, mooching off my apartment and running up my electricity bills.


J said...

that is one very clean stove! do you use your oven for storage?

Maria said...

I highly recommend going to Trader Joe's and buying frozen items that you can then put in the microwave and eat. There may still be cleaning but it's minimal and many of said frozen items come in their own plastic bowls. They are like upscale TV dinners but made with vegetables and other delicious foods. Otherwise, I fear you will attempt to survive on peanut butter, yogurt, and fruit.

Jennifer said...

I am horrified by the mess I know is lurking in your kitchen. I suspect you're right that I would be disgusted enough to clean it for you, but didn't I give you the name of a very good cleaning lady already? Call her!

megan said...

also, did you try to scramble like, 8 eggs at one time? that's a lot of egg for a 100-lb girl.

also, did you even oil/butter/pam the pan before this attempt? greasing the pan is KEY. so is using a plastic/teflon coated utensil on a teflon pan, NOT a regular fork. unless you want pieces of the pan's teflon coating in your scrambled eggs.

Liza said...

megan - I just found out that Marin's new favorite condiment is Teflon flakes.