Monday, June 9, 2008

An Open Letter To Life

Dear Life,

Upon hearing the news that You Don't Mess with the Zohan took in $40 million at the box office this past weekend, I hereby officially tender my resignation, effective immediately.

As you know, I bet my friend Sean $1 that there was absolutely no way that Zohan would break $40 million because I had faith in the American people. I had a dream that no reasonable person would pay $10 of their hard earned money to see a movie that appears to be a piece of shit directly out of my ass and has a plot involving Israeli intelligence and a hair salon. I had a dream that people would not continue to let Adam Sandler destroy this country by patronizing the man who made such garbage as I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Click and Reign over Me, the latter being one in which he plays a dentist who loses his family in 9/11, wears a bizarre wig and is friends with Don Cheadle. I had a dream that people would realize that the last time Adam Sandler made a joke that was in any way humorous was in the early '90s at best. And finally, I had a dream that people would grow up and stop pretending that Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore were hilarious because they were objectively awful. I had a dream.

Apparently America has made a decision to continue supporting Adam Sandler despite the fact that he was purposely trying to mock Americans by making Zohan and seeing if anyone actually showed up. Well, the joke's on us, and, like all Adam Sandler jokes, it's not so much funny as it is alarming and tragic. Unfortunately, I cannot go on living under these circumstances. Please confirm that you will be sending me my COBRA forms in the intraoffice mail.




Jennifer said...

HA. I endorsed this movie as "stupid funny" before even seeing it. I'm not surprised it gross $40M+ considering (a) I only pick winners, (b) the hot weather drove people into freezing cold theaters over the weekend, and (c)the undeniable fact that an Israeli accent is always funny. I'll be seeing it soon.

Gabe said...

I completely agree with and endorse everything you wrote. 100%. No, seriously. I think Sandler is a no talent ass-clown who has been coasting off his prior mildly-entertaining schtick for about 15 years too long.