The 18 Hour Bra

"Stylish"

Maybe it's because I watch Bridezillas, Say Yes to the Dress, What Not to Wear, Groomer Has It and Rich Bride, Poor Bride, but recently Playtex has been running a ton of commercials for the 18 hour bra. Based on the models that they have in the commercials, the 18 hour bras are for women that have ginormous breastaculars who want to wear exceedingly hideous grandma nursing bras and are interested in losing their husbands and boyfriends ASAP. Obviously somebody at Playtex decided that because they made decent tampons, that automatically qualified them to make all things related to women, like bras, "cleansing wipes" (HAHAHA), suntan lotion, sport tampons for sporty vaginas, and dishwashing gloves because all women do dishes.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like Playtex IS actually qualified to make bras, because apparently their bras only work for 18 hours. Like if you have to be at work late and you have the bra on for 18 hours and 1 minute, all bets are off. Your boobs will immediately hit your knees, the seams will unravel, the straps will break, the cups will shrivel up and fall off, and your coach will turn into a pumpkin and you will once again be dressed in rags. Even if all this stuff doesn't happen at the stroke of 18 hours, calling the bra "18 hours" begs the question of what happens after, and if they were just meaning that this is a bra you can wear all day, they should have called it the 24 hour bra with an explanation in small print that you actually don't have to wear it for 24 hours, you can wear it for less and nothing will happen to you, or they should have called it the All Day Bra with an asterisk that you can also wear it at night too if need be but that they wouldn't recommend it because if you make out with someone and they see it they might be scared off due to its monstrous nature.