Thursday, January 29, 2009

Separate But Equal

These individuals will not be allowed at my gym

In the past few weeks, I've really made an effort to get more in shape, if that is even humanly possible. I work out 5 days a week, eat Boca Burgers and limit my alcohol intake to binge drinking only on Thursday-Sunday. This is no small feat, because my gym is about 20 minutes away by foot so that means every day I have to motivate myself anew to a) walk in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, b) punish myself on the treadmill, b) walk back in the freezing cold for 20 minutes as my sweat converts into icicles.

One of the things that helps me motivate is watching The Biggest Loser, because morbidly obese people screaming in pain on bicycles is very inspirational. One of the things that DE-moralizes me is when I get to the gym and very thin and attractive people are working out near me. Like, what's the point in me running at 8.2 for 15 minutes when no matter how much I run, I will never increase my height, and so even if I technically weigh, say, the same as the MODEL WHO WAS RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL IN FRONT OF ME TODAY, I will always look more squat because she has more surface area over which to distribute her weight. If all this gym going will not result in a modeling contract (other than a bunion modeling contract), why not just throw in the towel now and spend the remainder of my days eating tofu pad thai on a motorized scooter which is what I really want to do anyway. Seriously, if you can't go big, go home and eat Little Debbies.

The point here is, as long as Equinox is infested with thin attractive people, these people will continue to sabotage my workouts and generally try to destroy me. I simply cannot work out in these conditions which is why today I am happy to announce that I'm VERY close to filing a claim that will establish a Separate But Equal doctrine whereby separate gyms as well as separate eating establishments, country clubs, bars, public pools etc. will be established for models and for the rest of us, so that models can stop ruining everyone's lives now and in the future.

1 comment:

Gonz'oh said...

False motivation is better then no motivation. What always gets me going during a workout with a big group is, no matter how hard your suckin', seeing somebody elses "f*ck me" face as they try to pump out that last mile or push-up, and KNOWING my f*ck face dosent look that funny. Yes, I do have a few more push-ups left in me.